Matt was just asked by Ellen (on The Ellen Show of course) what his least favorite food in the whole wide world was. "Licorice," he replied without skipping a beat.
The audience gasped and Ellen gave him google-weird eyes. "But Matt, licorice is candy," she said with a small laugh as she crossed her legs.
"Yeah, candy probably invented by a creepy clown," he replied with a hint of smugness that made the audience chuckle. "Also, if you read my book, in chapter eight I mention that I don't like sushi either, but that's just because I snorted a chunk of wasabi up my nose one time on a dare, and I became physically ill afterwards. I don't want to spoil the details on that one though. You'll have to buy my book to get the whole, juicy story (at this, Ellen held up Matt's autobiography and the audience clapped with wild enthusiasm). After the applause, Matt spoke up again. "I also just hate those awful marshmallow peeps you get in your Easter basket, and I promise every year I get plenty and my mom is always really eager to hoard my collection of peeps. But mostly I dislike licorice." Matt was on a roll, and Ellen was just loving it.
"So where did your hatred of licorice begin?" asked Ellen, and as Matt stared into the cameras, he thought back on it.
The first time he ever tried licorice, he was a wee little thing, maybe four or five years old. He had been playing with his childhood friend, Tucker, and his friend's mother peer pressured him into eating a strand of chocolate-flavored licorice. From the moment it touched Matt's hands, something felt very wrong about it all. It was like holding a limp rope, with no promise of real chocolate, and as he nibbled the end in reluctance, he felt absolute disgust as the taste swam around his mouth. He actually felt bile coming up and spit it out. Tucker's mother was not happy. "Matt, that is not very polite. You need to finish eating it," she said in a bullying manner as she patted her voluminous hair that birds probably nested in.
Feeling spiteful, Matt spoke up. "I need to tinkle. Where's the potty?" Once locked inside the bathroom, he threw the licorice in the garbage can and spit the rest out in the toilet. He then wadded up a few sheets of toilet paper and threw them over the rest of the licorice, to cover his tracks. What a clever little boy he was!
However pleased he was with himself though, licorice would continue to follow him throughout his life.
For instance, there were the annual run-ins with licorice on the family vacations. Every year, Matt's family would go on a vacation for spring break to St George and they would stay in the Holiday Inn Resort. And each year his dad would bring along a bag of Red Vines for the six hour car ride.
"Dad, close the bag!" Matt would whine each time as his dad would whip the plastic bag open and pull wads of licorice out with relish as if they were folds of cash. "I'm gonna hurl!" His parents never took these threats lightly. Matt does tend to get nauseous pretty easily, and more than once whilst on a road trip, the purple mini-van would be splattered in his barf.
It was perhaps on his 7th birthday, that he had his most disappointing encounter with licorice.
Matt loved to color. In fact, he would tell anyone who would listen that he was the best colorer in Mrs. Cullimore's class in Wellsville Elementary. So it was with excitement that he tore through the wrapping paper to find a box of scented crayons and a Disney coloring book. "Wow!" he exclaimed as he pulled out a few crayons to admire. There was red strawberry, green Christmas tree and even a brown chocolate-chip-cookie crayon that smelled luscious!
Later on that evening, as Matt sat coloring in his book, he felt so happy; so complete. He was humming to himself as he absentmindedly pulled the black crayon out of his box. Turning the crayon over in his hand, he read the label. Licorice. It was a black licorice crayon!
He was so put off by this, that he dropped the crayon on the spot and stared at it in horror. After a few minutes of angst, he thought to himself that surely it had been a mistake. What lunatic would invent a licorice scented crayon after all? Deciding to experiment, he picked up the crayon and slowly colored in a tea kettle in the seven dwarves house. The instant the feral smell of licorice hit his nose, Matt started to cry. As he wailed and sobbed hysterically, he tried to snap the crayon in half. That proved to be a bit more difficult than he thought, but eventually he broke in half, and with snot dribbling down his face he threw the crayon away.
Minutes later as he colored in Snow White's hair blue-raspberry blue, he felt cheated and just a little bit upset. "Hmmmpf!" he exclaimed as he finished off her hair in righteous anger.
Licorice was officially his least favorite food.
The audience was pealing with gales of laughter as Matt finished regaling them with his childhood licorice woes. Ellen herself was so tickled, that she told everyone right there that Matt was her new bff. She then gave him a check for $12,000 and an all expense paid trip to Australia, so he could go back to visit his friends in Sydney. She also gave everyone in the audience a copy of Matt's New York Times bestselling autobiography. Because it really was that good of a book, you know.
At least Matt tells himself will be the case if he actually one day does publish a book. And if he does, he sincerely hopes that it will be a New York Times bestseller just so he can be on the Ellen show. When this happens, he hopes that Ellen will ask him what his least favorite food is.
The answer will be licorice! ;-)
