Tanning With Pigeons

     Matt realized the other day that his freckles are the only tan spots on his body. Since the weather is warming, he decided it was time to get a tan. He has a morbid fear of being trapped inside a tanning bed though, and dying inside (he can picture the attendants finding him frittered to a crisp, mouth open in a kind of silent scream two days later). So he opted to skip out on the tanning salon. Instead he decided to lie out, white trash style, on the driveway.

     Wearing his plaid design, orange bathing suit, and candy cane red sunglasses, Matt spread his green towel across the uneven, jagged driveway. He tried to pick a spot with less pebbles and where the weeds didn't poke through the cracks so much, because he doesn't own one of those fancy lounge, pool chairs like his Grandma's rich neighbors, the Lindquists. They have a swimming pool, complete with a diving board and Matt used to peer through the wrought iron fence in his Grandma's backyard, in a longing manner while they swam and drank iced lemonade by the poolside. If he waited long enough, and had a pathetic enough look on his face, the Lindquists would eventually invite him over to swim, out of pity. His Grandma used to get so mad at him! But this is besides the point, and Matt is getting off track. Back to the story now-

     He then applied a generous amount of sunscreen to his shnozz, as his Dumbledore nose tends to catch quite a bit of sun. As Matt hunkered down on his driveway, at the edge of a busy road where the cars never stop going through the night, he wondered what the passing drivers would think when they viewed a guy lying on the cement, trying to tan in a sexy manner on a very ghetto driveway next to the garbage bins.

     Matt tried to tune out the noise of the exterior world, however, and simply allow the sun's rays to saturate his ghostly white skin. He was enjoying the serenity of the moment, and singing- I'm gonna soak up the sun, by Sheryl Crow, in an enthusiastic manner. And then he heard it. Something horrifying; the kind of thing he hears only in nightmares.

     His skin suddenly prickling, Matt's fight or flight mode instantly took over. Sitting up quickly, he ripped his sunglasses off and looked to the source of the noise. Directly above him came a small coo-ing. Feeling revolted, he looked up at his arch nemesis, the insidious albino pigeon, as it sat perched on the electrical wire.

     Matt immediately gagged and threw up in his mouth a little at the sight. The pigeon spread his wings, shaking them out and Matt nearly had a coronary from fright. His immediate desire was to flee to his house. Feeling that this might hurt his pride though, and not wanting to lose to the pigeon, Matt picked up his towel and began shaking it roughly, trying to scare his enemy off. The bird simply cocked his head to the side, and looked at Matt questioningly.

     Next, Matt began barking like a dog, shaking his towel all the more furiously. Again, his enemy simply gazed on. Feeling annoyed, Matt slowly backed up, (one should never turn one's back to an opponent). Never breaking his eye contact with the bird, he noticed a large chunk of wood lying in the driveway, and hurriedly snatched it up. He now had a weapon.

     Feeling much more brave, Matt approached the bird again, holding the wood like a baseball bat in case it decided to attack. The bird looked at him in a bored fashion though, and let out a vile poo on Matt's driveway. It was now mocking him.
   
     Taking careful aim, Matt stuck his tongue out in concentration and threw the wood hunk with all his might towards the bird. There was a loud squawk as the board hit the wire mere inches away from the pigeon, causing the wire to wobble dangerously. Matt laughed loudly as the pigeon took flight. As the thing retreated he hollered- "Ya that's right, skiddle along you little piddle!" He sure showed the bird who was boss...
   
     As Matt recollects the experience, he realizes that he grew a little bit inside that day. He had stood up to the bully; the mean spirited boy who rules every playground. The one named Jeremy or Bubba or Jafar. The one who pins his victims up against the brick wall, fists bared, until they empty their pockets of their bubble-tape and star-bursts. Only this bully was worse; it was a pigeon...

     And now as Matt writes the story, chest red from the sun, he feels a bit proud inside.

A Simply Wild Two Days!

Matt has had quite a few strange experiences in the past 2 days. It began with him wearing an entire bee suit and following a beekeeping expert around the city to check on beehives. He is writing a feature, magazine article on 'The Unusual Places Beekeeping Can be Found in the Beehive State.' Needless to say, he needed the full experience.

"These bees can't sting me, right?" asked Matt apprehensively as a new hive was opened and a swarm of agitated bees suddenly surrounded him, clinging to his suit and filling his ears with an overwhelming buzzing...Ironically though, he was more scared of the chickens pecking around the garden, than of the thousands of bees.

The day became more interesting when later on he received a knock at his front door from a man in a tailored suit, who flashed a badge. "I'm a private investigator here to speak with a Mr. Matt Jaggi."

"That's me," Matt said apprehensively. As they took a seat in Matt's living room, the investigator began asking Matt a series of questions regarding his old roommate from 3 years ago. Since Matt was about as close to his old roommate as a head of broccoli is to a chunk of strawberry trifle with ice-cream, he was struggling with the questions.

"Did he ever speak with, or try to help people from outside the country?"

"Err, I dunno?"

"Did he ever speak with foreign diplomats, or speak any foreign languages?"

"Um, I mean he was a popular and friendly guy, so he could have had friends in high places, but I dunno...What's this about again?" Matt asked.

"Just keep to the questions. Did he ever hang around questionable people?"

"No." The man raised his eyebrows. "Uh, yes? Maybe? I dunno? I mean he seemed pretty normal and nice. Except once he dated this weird girl who told me about a time she peed her pants. It was kinda awkward, and I was wondering if he had found her under a rock or something-" the investigator cleared his throat- "and, I'm not getting him into trouble am I? Because I'm pretty sure you should be talkin to his family and friends about this," Matt rambled.

And the questions continued for 20 minutes. Finally the man seemed pleased, and told Matt his answers would be shared with agencies. "Well this is just fun-tastic, I'm gonna get the poor guy in trouble," Matt replied.

He never did find out what the investigation was about and can only assume it was some sort of character background check for a job. Probably a job working with the CEO of Walmart. They are taking over the world after all...

The next day as Matt pulled into the parking lot at Sears, he noticed several police cars pulled over. As he looked closer he noticed the police men were surrounding a man who was sprawled, spread eagle style on the sidewalk. Matt wondered if it was the homeless man who sometimes sleeps in the bathroom at Sears. He looked either dead or stupified, but Matt is gonna pretend he was simply sleeping...

As Matt was leaving work later that night (stupified man and cops were gone), he received a frantic text from a friend. "Ohhhh my gosh! Do you remember (name removed) from our Fiction Workshop last semester? He is on the news right now!"

"Why?" Matt texted back. "For a nose-picking record?"

"No, you're confusing him with (blank) who always sat in the corner and wiped his boogers under his desk. I'm talking about the guy who always wrote bizarre stories about his dad."

"Oh ya! Hmmm, I'll check it out."

Matt was horrified when he got home to find out that his classmate was on the news because he had been stabbed 8 times by a Korean National in the Smith's Parking lot next to campus. Luckily he survived and was giving a winning and rather heartfelt interview on Channel 5. Matt felt bad for his classmate, and vowed to never laugh at the stories of his eccentric father ever again. He was also slightly jealous of the fact that his classmate now had seriously awesome story telling material to work with... Horrible thing to feel, but it's what it is.

Then to top things off, Matt thought all his wildest dreams were coming true when he received an invitation on facebook telling him that if he forwarded a message from Disney to 500 people, he would receive 4 free tickets to Disneyland! Wahoo!

So Matt promptly spent a lavish amount of time passing the email around, until he received a message from his friend Brian informing him that the person who had posted the Disneyland Ad had only been a member of facebook for 10 hours, and that there was no way for them to know if Matt had forwarded 500 people. It was obviously a scam.

Dang flabbit, what a shady thing to do! Get Matt all excited for Disneyland, then crush his hopes and dreams. Matt now wants to apologize to the 500 facebookers he forwarded the message to...

And that was the end of his two days.