Taking a week off of work, and packing his bags, bringing along a jar of peanut butter even, (he is a bit addicted) Matt met up with his friend Courtney Sawyer who was also coming along for the daring road trip. The two were very excited, and as they began driving South they got carried away in their gabbing. So much so, that they failed to notice their exit. Later on as the two were talking about their complicated love lives, they suddenly passed a giant sign reading "Welcome to Colorful Colorado!" Matt nearly slammed on the brakes and the two pulled over.
"How on earth is this possible?!" asked Courtney. "We should have been in Moab, Utah by now, not in Colorado!" She dug out their road map. Sure enough, they had passed the turn off for Moab an hour earlier without realizing.Whoops. Matt was not born with an innate sense of direction though, so he was hardly surprised by the fact he had gotten them lost.
Flipping their car around, the two headed back the way they had come. Eventually, much later in the day then they had planned, they made it to Moab. After eating grilled paninis at a quaint roadside cafe called 'Sweet Cravings,' the two continued on until they came across a strange place called 'Hole N' The Rock.'
Hole N' The Rock is kind of like the new Mount Rushmore, Matt decided, as he stepped out of his car into the parking lot. First off you had a giant rock wall, with the words "Hole N' The Rock" painted in huge lettering across the front. Then when you look closer, you notice that there is the dead face of Franklin Roosevelt interred into the rock wall.
"Hmmm, neat," said Matt to Courtney as she cocked her head to the side, trying to take it all in. Besides the face of Franklin looming down in a creepy manner, there was also a hodge-podge of random items scattered across the desert floor. A freakish, giant sign of a dancing clown leaned up against the 'Trading Post' building next to a bust of the Virgin Mary. Then there were pretty cactus beds with ceramic flowers intermingled throughout and strangely enough, a bicycle that also functioned as a lawn mower.
Next was the home built literally into the face of the mountain. It now functions as a museum/souvenir shop, since the builders of the strange home have since died mysterious deaths. As Matt and Courtney stepped through the front door, (complete with doorbell) into the mountain, they noticed the jagged rock that served as the living room's ceiling. One roped off room showed the former resident's bedroom. It was filled with an assortment of creepy dolls. That was when Matt decided to leave.
And last but not least, Hole N' The Rock has a petting zoo! Complete with pigs, sheep and a camel! "People drive miles and miles to see this place," Matt told Courtney in an important sounding voice as they drove out of the dusty parking lot, after watching a French couple attempt to pet a disgruntled camel.
Finally they arrived to Santa Fe, late at night. They hunkered down in a Super 8 motel, and the next morning after eating waffles and watching Niki Minaj shake her massive booty on TV in the lounge, the two took off for Historic Downtown Santa Fe.
Historic Downtown was one of the most spectacular places Matt has ever seen! The whole place had a dusty old charm to it. He loved walking down the streets, snapping photos of all the artistic and rustic buildings. There was the famous Cathedral Basilica of Saint Francis of Assisi that they saw. Matt was impressed with the pizzazz of it all. He and Court lit candles and left with rosary beads, laughing quietly at the cute, senile woman who welcomed them to the cathedral again for the second time as they were exiting out the front door. The next stop was his favorite though.
While Courtney ran off to place more quarters in the parking meter, Matt wandered into a strange outdoor grotto snuggled between two buildings. Immediately he was welcomed by a wild looking woman wearing a bright pinkish/orange apron with a skeleton on the front. She had streaky white hair, saggy skin like a basset hounds and a giant gap in her smile. They became instant friends. :-)
The shop was devoted completely to the Mexican 'Day of the Dead.' As Matt was looking at some rather gnarly skulls, he asked the woman how she got involved in all of this. "Well you know, it all happened a few years back," began the woman as she brushed bits of dishelved hair out of her face. "I was living on the East Coast and I was jobless and poor. And anyways I went to this conference for fun. There was this lady there I had never met there, but she came right up to me afterwards and said, 'I've seen you before. Would you like to come work for me in Santa Fe?' I mean just like that, this random woman."
Matt nodded politely as he picked up a mini statue of a skeletal couple dancing. "Don't touch that dear." He quickly set it down and she continued on. "Anyways, I went home afterwards, just thinkin bout the strangeness of it all. I was doin the dishes in my kitchen and I looked up, and I swear to Heavens, there was my mother's head floating on the wall!"
Matt gasped as she continued on. "I mean she's been dead for years and suddenly there is her head just floating there, looking at me. And you know what she said to me?"
"Tell me," Matt begged.
"She said," 'Good Job.' Then she nodded her head and disappeared. Just like that! So I knew I needed to take the job," said the woman as she chuckled. She then looked at him. "So what you gonna buy today?"
After hearing a story like that, he couldn't say 'no,' so picking out a skull candle from Oaxaca, he set it down on the counter to pay.
As the lady was wrapping up his item, Matt pointed at a plaque on the back wall under a doorway. "What's that sign?"
"Ooh, that's the door the atomic bomb was walked through during the 'Manhattan Project,' whispered the lady dramatically. "The greatest scientists who ended WWII snuck the bomb right through here and put it on a bus with blackened windows on the street, then drove off with it." He felt chills after that. She was a great storyteller.
After taking a picture with the old woman and giving her a hug, she waved Matt off. "Come back again hon!" He then met up with Courtney to continue their travels to Roswell.
Now Roswell was something else altogether. Matt began to feel giddy inside as they approached the city limits. This town was the inspiration for his trip!! He even knew a woman who lived her. She believes she can speak telepathically to cats. A rare talent in his opinion.
However the meeting with the woman who prefers cats to people was not to be. Apparently her house had somehow flooded. She was meeting with a plumber. Matt was a little sad, but he cheered up when they arrived to the 'International UFO Museum.'
Being in a museum devoted completely to Extra-Terrestrial life was kind of bizarre. The workers at the museum all wore serious expressions on their faces and he felt like he needed to whisper the whole time in the museum. These people were the real deal. They knew their stuff and were passionate about it.
Perhaps the best part of the tour was watching a young boy. Matt was standing behind three kids with their mother. She was reading to them an account of the first documented Alien abduction. She was almost as good as Santa Fe woman, he had to admit. The little boy's eyes grew wide in fear as the mother read about the 'medical examination' the aliens performed on a woman from New Hampshire. "And whenever I felt pain, the leader of the group would run his hands over my eyes, and the pain would dissolve," read the mother in a spooky voice. She then looked at her 3, young, impressionable kids. "They're coming for you next!" Matt then followed the group to a flying saucer complete with robotic aliens.
Supernatural music was playing in the background and the aliens were moving around the space craft. At this point the poor little boy began tugging feverishly on his mother's arm. "Mom, can we go please?!"
"Darling, this stuff isn't real, it's okay." The boy looked back at Matt. Pure terror was written all over his face. He tugged even harder. "I REALLY REALLY WANT TO GO!!" Matt chuckled as the mother sighed and dragged the boy from the room. Really though, it was kinda terrifying when he thought of it. There was a display of an alien captured by humans at the Roswell site. The poor alien was being experimented on and blood was spilled all over the exam table. Deciding he had seen enough, Matt dragged Courtney over to the gift shop.
A stern looking woman was perched near a counter under a sign reading "No photos allowed!!" The moment she wasn't looking, however, Matt tried on a pair of funky green alien sunglasses and Courtney took his pic. He was in a rebellious mood. What were they gonna do? Kick him out of the museum? Next he purchased alien memorabilia, his favorite being a pack of trading cards from the TV show, Roswell :-)
After Roswell, they headed to Carlsbad. On the way there they pulled into a ghost town named Encino. There were literally about 10 houses, a post office and an abandoned motel. "Slow down through here Matt," warned Courtney as they drove through town. "I bet there's a cocky sheriff who would love to pull us over." On seeing the abandoned motel, the two decided to pull over and take a look.
Goosebumps sprang up all over Matt's arms as they approached the desolate building. There was definitely something unearthly about the place. It was broad daylight, but he still felt the heeby-jeebies. An old rusted sign, read 'Low Rates.' The porch to the motel was overgrown with weeds and stray litter blew across the ground. All the windows were busted through. A door swung crookedly on it's hinges, swaying back and forth. Courtney didn't want to venture inside, so he stepped in alone.
The first thing he noticed was the rat poo and nests that were on the floor and in the corners. A bathroom sink was literally hanging from the wall, looking like a poltergeist had ripped it out of place, and a beer can lay on the floor next to a moth-eaten sofa. Matt crossed over to the broken window to look outside. The hairs on the back of his neck suddenly stood on end. And then he heard it.
A huge "BOOM!!" reverberated behind him. He whipped around, but there was nothing in the room with him. He promptly ran outside.
"What was that?!" asked Courtney as Matt came running over to her.
"I have no idea!" With that the two hurriedly left the mysterious, deserted town. They never saw a single person the whole time they were there...
Next on the list was Carlsbad. As they drove towards the caverns to see the live bat show, the two looked out the window in awe. It was like driving through Dr. Seuss land. The trees were oddly shaped and leaning at crazy angles. Burnt shrubbery spanned across the ground and an occasional burnt palm tree drooped low to the earth. There must have been a fire at some point.
The cave entrance where the bats fly out was enormous and very impressive. There was an amphitheater at the entrance and Matt and Court took a seat with dozens of other gawking tourists. It wasn't quite dusk, so they had the wonderful opportunity to listen to a very enthusiastic park ranger with her pants hiked up way too high, explain about the bats. "What do bat's like to do in the cave?" she asked the crowd. No one spoke up. Finally- "They like to hang with their friends!" She laughed loudly in the microphone and Matt started laughing pretty hard too. For some reason the lame joke was really funny to him.
And then they waited. And waited. And waited. Finally a few bats began trickling out. Matt isn't sure what he was expecting, but for some reason he had a vision of thousands of bats flying out all at once, sounding like a jet as they flew overhead. However this was no jet. Really just a steady trickle of bats peeing out of the cave was all it was. It was kinda disappointing really. Even the park ranger seemed upset.
"Normally they all come out at once and it's phenomenal," she said. "There's been a drought though and lately there haven't been many coming out." It was still kinda cool in a way though.
That night they pulled into a dumpy little motel, Middle Eastern in appearance and style, that reminded Matt of the porno version of Aladdin. They dragged their luggage inside, tired, and sat down on the stiff beds. A moment later they could hear a woman's voice from the room next door.
"I'm sensing a strong, male, spirit presence in the room with us right now." Courtney looked at Matt in alarm. The two busted up laughing and continued laughing as they went to bed. That night was a horrific night for Matt.
All night long he tossed and turned on the brick-like pillows, dreaming over and over again that Freddy Krueger was hunting him down, clawing at him with his freakish, murderous nails. The nightmares were really graphic and disturbing. When the alarm went off in the morning, Matt woke up in a cold sweat. Looking around the dilapidated room with no TV, he felt relief that it had just been a dream. As he pulled himself out of bed, he realized that he was really itchy. He began to scratch at his arm, wondering why it itched so bad. As he pulled his shirt off to get into the shower, he shrieked. He had four massive bites on his right arm. They had swollen up HUGE and he could see the bite marks in his skin. He ran out to Courtney.
"Look at these!" She was shocked as she surveyed the bites.
"Oh my Matt, you have two really big ones on your back too!"
Needless to say, Matt was horrified by his Carlsbad, motel experience. It must of been the 'strong, male spirit presence' tormenting him in his sleep. Maybe he had been followed by some presence from Encino...
After buying Benadryl cream, the two went to the Caverns again. This time they descended 700 feet below surface . They went on a fascinating, guided hike through 4 enormous rooms, seeing world-class stalagmites and stalactites (their tour guide called them 'Stickey uppeys' and 'hangey downies'). The guide was a nerd and Courtney and Matt liked him immensely. He would have been a perfect match for bat lady.
However Matt and Courtney were kinda naughty though, because they kept seeing certain objects out of some of the 'stickey uppies.' They couldn't help but giggle, causing another man to giggle too when he realized what they were laughing about ;-)
The rest of the day was spent traversing the vast desert of New Mexico until they finally reached El Paso, Texas in the early afternoon.
El Paso was much nicer than Matt was expecting. People always talk about it like it's some embarrassing place in Texas that should be destroyed. Not the case though. Courtney's old friend from Colorado, Anna, lives in El Paso. She put them up in a very fancy hotel named "El Camino." It's on the list of 'Historic Hotels of America,' thank you very much.
The first thing Matt did after checking in at their posh hotel (a much needed break after the Carlsbad motel) was go for a swim on the rooftop pool, overlooking the city. The view was amazing and it was so nice out. He had the whole pool to himself and was enjoying himself immensely until he noticed the five pigeons sitting on the pool's edge, sipping from the same water he was swimming in...
Matt FLIPPED and jumped straight out of the pool. The rest of the time he kept himself at a huge distance from the pigeons as he suntanned in a lounge chair, all the while cursing the filthy rats with wings.
That night Anna took them to a fun cafe called 'Star City.' Matt ordered some heavenly shrimp tacos and received a healthy dosage of trans-fats from his order of onion rings. It was a pleasant evening and they sat and simply chit chatted. Afterwards she showed them different clubs and introduced them to the nightlife of the city. Really it was relaxing; Matt sat out on a back porch downtown, sipping ice water under the stars.
The next morning, Matt and Court took to the streets. He wandered around taking pictures of the buildings like a yadid yahoo, causing some guy in a suit, probably the mayor, to say "Oh are you visiting? Welcome to El Paso. We love tourists!" Matt blushed as they stepped into a cafe called 'The Percolator.'
Once again he ate a panini; turkey and avocado with egg this time. The cafe was very artsy and he felt very sophisticated and chique dining there. While there, they began talking to a man. He didn't speak English, however, so Courtney gave up quickly. He was from Juarez, and Matt chit-chatted in broken Spanish with him. To the man's good credit, he only laughed once at his slaughtering of the Spanish language. It was probably when Matt apologized for being a clown at the language. He meant to say he probably sounded funny with the language :-)
As they were leaving El Paso, they caught a glimpse of 'La Ciudad de Juarez.' It was shocking to see the stark contrast on the other side of the wall, into Mexico. There were huts and run-down trailers spanning as far as the eye could see. Matt suddenly understood how lucky he was to be able to stay at "El Camino." Good gosh, he should of been grateful for the unhygienic, sketchy, pathetic motel in Carlsbad!
Later on that day, the two friends pulled into 'White Sands National Monument' near Las Cruces in New Mexico. White Sands was unreal. It is literally acres and acres of pure, crystal white, sand. They had these monstrous, huge sand dunes, and Matt and Courtney rented some blue winter sleds and raced down the dunes. He is pretty sure he beat Courtney to the bottom every time ;-) The two were having a grand time playing in the sand. It was like Christmas with snow, but in 100 degree weather.
Out of nowhere though, a violent thunderstorm rolled in. Lightning began to strike pretty close by. They ignored the ominous clouds however, and continued to explore the dunes until a gruff park ranger with a mullet drove up and told them they were idiots for being out in such weather. He made them leave. At least they got some rad photos.
Next they ate at a derelict, if not interesting drive-in called 'Hi-d-Ho" in Alamogordo. That was pretty much all they did in that town.
Later as they drove north again, Matt began feeling just a little saddened at the fact that their vacation was almost over. However, they still had Albuquerque, and the two had some stellar adventures planned. His peanut butter was only 3/4 of the way empty too, which meant that they still had time to spare. He figured the jar would last about a week; the same amount of time as their trip...
Their first view of Albuquerque was from the sky. Since they had pulled into town late at night, they had no clue what the city even looked like, til' they took a sun-rise flight in a hot air balloon. Courtney was shaking as they pulled into the park where the balloons were. It took Matt quite a lot to convince her to go with him. She asked the captain if there were ever crashes, accidents or deaths with hot air balloons. He assured her that he had a perfect flying record. That is, apart from the time an old woman fainted in his balloon, and the time they had a landing at 25 mph, causing everyone to tumble out of the basket...
The view was absolutely astonishing and unforgettable though. It was like organized magic the way all the houses were perfectly lined up hundreds of feet below. There were other balloons in the sky, and as the sun began to rise, Matt felt like the coolest guy in the world.
As they began the descent, Courtney began to get nervous again. They were headed for an abandoned field, and Matt suddenly realized that they were coming down faster than he expected. They hit the ground with a large bump and he fell backwards into Court, before they rose a few feet off the ground again. They repeated the process two or three times, each time skidding harder, then rising in the air a few feet, til they came to a halt, tipping over completely. Everyone hung on as they fell to the ground, and Matt was laughing hysterically. What a rush! They hit the ground at 7mph, he can't even imagine doing it at 25!
He was very proud of Courtney though for facing her fear of heights. However, she was not yet finished. Next he took her to Sandia Mountain to ride what used to be the world's longest tram. That is, until some random countries like Norway or California passed them up.
The tram took them to a top of a peak, about 10,000 feet in elevation. At one point in the ride, their tour guide, a cocky, young buck named Terell, asked them if they would like to see what it's like to be 900 feet above ground. Matt said 'yes please,' and to their surprise, the tour guide opened up a rectangular hatch in the floor of the tram, so they had a perfect window of the ground far below them. Matt was shocked because a little kid could easily fall through the hatch. Terell didn't seem bothered at all by the fact that someone screamed, and everyone quickly scooted to the other side of the tram until he shut the lid again.
Once safely at the top, Sandia Peak was ever so lover-ly. Matt climbed into one of the ski lift chairs for a pic (he is pretty sure that's not allowed), re-enacted the 'Titanic' king of the world scene as he leaned over a balcony on the edge of the peak, and laughed with Courtney at the bizarre toilets in the women's restroom. Really, it was her idea that Matt venture into Woman's World to see the toilets raised up on pedestals. He imagined it would be kinda awkward trying to take a pee on a wobbly toilet ;-)
On the ride back down on the tram, they had a new tour guide. The woman had black converse shoes, yellow shin high socks with odd designs, short shorts and a wind blazer. Her hair was pulled back in a messy pony tail and she was wearing Native American turquoise jewelry. As they began talking with her, she said "You know, I can't believe that some people ACTUALLY plan a vacation around Roswell. I mean, what kind of weird people do that?" Matt immediately turned red, and Courtney stifled a laugh. She continued on, "Back in the day we used to have wild keg parties on the crash site all the time." This automatically confirmed Matt and Courtney's suspicion that the woman was a functioning alcoholic. She then asked them how they liked the tram ride.
"It's been great!" Matt replied. "It was fascinating when we saw out the hatch to the ground below." He knew he had instantly said the wrong thing.
"Did Terell actually open that?! I'm gonna kill that kid!" Feeling slightly sorry for Terrel, Matt and Court stepped off while the women was still muttering about 'inept tour guides.'
After the Peak, they took a tour of Olde Town, Albuquerque. Once again, Matt was in an enchanting little place. He found another shop devoted to Day of the Dead, spied on two women who had the most fascinating wardrobes (one had pants that looked like fish net tights, the other wore a dress that had to have been owned by Daphne from Scooby-Doo), ate in New Mexico's oldest building, a home built in 1706, and visited another famous Cathedral. This time they left San Felipe de Neri Parish with small necklaces of "Our Lady of Guadalupe." Matt hung it in his car window. He figured she might grant them safe travels in the future. They had already had several close calls on the freeways. Needless to say, Matt is NOT the best of drivers. Next they got their kicks on 66.
Historic route 66 was where it was at! Court and Matt had a grand time driving 'America's Main Street.' They passed the hippy, University of New Mexico and he had never seen so many people with dread locks. He wanted to pretend he was earthy and cool like that. He imagined strutting over with pants hangin off his butt while listening to Bob Marley and sayin "Wa shu want foo?" to anyone who looked his way. Since this didn't happen though, he enjoyed the fascinating and bizarre stores and took some sexy pics with a bunch of yard flamingos in front of a Phillips 66.
Unfortunately, route 66 was the last New Mexico adventure. Leaving the state felt like a heavy burden on Matt's heart. He felt a burning sickness inside of him as they crossed into Utah. That was when he realized that he had heart burn from the Navajo Taco he had eaten earlier. He was still sad though.
Anyways, they stopped next at the famous 4 Corners and took chintzy photos. After taking several magnanimous pictures at 4 corners, the two friends decided they wanted to stay an extra night. Making up their mind, they turned and headed west into Arizona. The peanut butter wasn't quite finished yet.
The Arizona desert was pretty and poetic and Matt took dozens of photos. When they finally pulled into the first small town they could find, Kayenta, they pulled into the driveway of an impressive lodge.
Matt barely opened his mouth at the front desk, when the attendant interrupted him. "Sorry, we're booked. There are no vacancies tonight. You can try Hampton Inn down the street."
Hampton Inn turned out to be even worse. The man behind the front desk was brutal, with a droning voice and a very crooked index finger. Matt and Courtney asked him if they had a room open with double beds. "We have one, it's 180 for the night."
Matt did a double take. They had been paying 50 bucks at most with most places! "Um, do you have anything cheaper?" he asked after the shock.
The man gave him an extremely annoyed look. "Nope. It comes with a continental breakfast though."
"I'm sorry, we can't quite afford that. Do you know of any places around here that might be less?"
At this point, the man glared at them. "Listen," he began, "You two have to realize you are in the middle of no-where. We are the only hotel apart from the lodge, and the nearest one is 2 hours away in Cortez, Colorado." He said this in a very superior, sneering manner.
"Well, is it okay if we use your lobby computer quick, so we can check Priceline?" asked Courtney sweetly. "We don't have reception on our cell phones and we really need to find a place to stay."
The man turned on her and gave a smug look. "Sorry, the computer is for PAYING guests only."
"Can I pay you ten bucks then to use your computer for five minutes? It would really help us out a lot, and we would appreciate it greatly." asked Courtney.
"NO."
The 'No' was the harshest thing Matt had heard since he found out that Marilyn Monroe was dead. For some reason he has always thought she was still alive as an actress...
As Matt and Courtney sat in the car feeling discouraged, he looked at the necklace of Guadalupe smiling down on them and felt a sudden inspiration. He said a prayer to God in his mind asking for a place to stay. A moment later Courtney had an idea.
"I wonder if we can find a hotel on my Garmin GPS!" She whipped it out and typed in locations and hotels. A second later a hotel popped up in the city of Mexican Hat, 40 miles away near Monument Valley in Utah. "He lied to us! This place is much closer than Colorado!" Anxious, Matt called the hotel.
"Hello?"
"Ya, I'm wondering if you have any rooms available with your hotel. We're kind of desperate," Matt laughed.
"Well sweety, you're in luck. We have one room open for double beds. It was booked and the people just literally called in and cancelled the room. It's our last one left, and we were just about to close for the night. Would you like it?"
"YES!!" It was still a little expensive, 80 bucks, but much cheaper than the hoity-toity Hampton Inn. Matt loves how the good Lord works. He provided a place for them and if they hadn't stopped at Hampton Inn and haggled with the creep, they mighta missed it completely.
That night he rested well and when they woke up it was to find that they were on the banks of a beautiful river. The San Juan river to be exact. It was muddy red and Matt was tempted to take a bath in it. He didn't though. There were tons of people watching. But if they hadn't been, he totally would have just because it's America and he has his freedoms ;-)
And just for fun, Courtney and Matt drove through Monument Valley. It was stupendous and thrilling and gorgeous. Especially the moment when Courtney was cruisin along at 60 mph and rounded a corner nearly hitting a wild horse chillin in the middle of the road. That was epic. The horse probably peed his pants. It was a great way to end the trip before driving home.
