Sunday, September 30, 2012
Murderous Children
Matt had a note-worthy experience in his Literature class yesterday. His professor had them read a troubling poem called Rite of Passage about a group of young boys playing. It's a pernicious piece about a group of half pints at a birthday party. In the poem, a 7 year old sizes up a 6 year old and says, "I could beat you up." After that the two look at a group of smaller children. "We could easily kill a two year old," they agree one with another.
After reading the poem their short, balding professor with a gold wrist watch that's most likely fake, spoke up. "You know, this poem frankly disturbs me. I'm wondering what you all think."
Matt wasn't at all surprised when Miss Sunshine know it all, who gives an opinion for everything even when an opinion was not asked for, was first to raise her hand. "Actually, I think that kind of behavior is pretty normal for children," she began in her normal superior voice. "I can remember when I was 3 or so, holding a kitten and thinking to myself, 'I can kill this kitten if I want.'"
There were a few audible gasps, and one quickly stifled laugh from the other classmates. Matt turned around and stared at her in disbelief. She simply flipped her ponytail off her shoulder, acting as if she hadn't said anything displeasing. The professor didn't quite know how to respond so he replied with "Oh...I see... Um, anyone else?"
A second guy in a Boston Red Sox baseball cap rose his hand. "Ya I can totally remember sizing up other boys when I was younger and wondering if I could kill them..."
People!! What is wrong with all of you??!! Matt doesn't recall ever having lethal thoughts as a young tike! Perhaps this is why he doesn't own any children... He just thought it was cause they are expensive and smelly. Really, it's cause they're dangerous!
But then again, he never was very normal. He was probably the clueless little 6-year-old cherub who wandered around singing in made up languages, clutching both a My Little Pony and a Ninja Turtle while the other boys plotted on how they could best kill him.
And good thing he didn't own a kitten. The vixen little girls would have been after his blood too!
Matt will never view children the same, ever again.
Saturday, September 1, 2012
Creepy Stalker!
Matt was feeling unusually charitable and generous yesterday, and wanting to help save the environment, he rode the bus. At the end of the school day, as he stepped onto the over-crowded, over-heated and smelly automobile that resembled a stretched out twinkie, he took the only seat available- directly across from his new professor.
He sat down and smiled at the eccentric man. His professor made no gesture of recognition, however, and Matt was perplexed. He had been in the guy's class not 2 hours earlier. A class with less than 15 people! It was then that he realized he was wearing his rather large, dark, bling- bling sunglasses that covered half his face. No wonder the professor didn't recognize him. A whole new world of possibilities suddenly opened up to Matt.
Unabashedly, he stared at his professor. He was kind of a fidgety little man with watery eyes that darted around in their sockets like little marbles. He had a sweaty tangle of hair on his head that he kept pushing back in vain, and his glasses were a little too large for his face. Matt was intrigued by this man he called 'Professor.'
What was the guy like? Did he have a personal life outside of school at all? Matt was remembering the contents of the discussion in class earlier that day. At one point in class, the man had randomly wondered aloud if anyone sane even believed Area 51 to be legit. Matt had countered the remark.
"Um sir, I was actually just in Roswell 2 weeks ago and I visited the International UFO Museum and Research Center," he said in an important voice while his classmates snickered. "And I have to say, after reading all the official documents and newspaper clippings from the time, I'm a little convinced now. It was all pretty legit."
His professor had laughed at his cheekiness, and Matt had thought to himself, "I'm totally getting an A this semester." Minutes later in class, the professor had asked another question.
"Who know's what it is called when someone casts their opponent into an extremely negative light?" Matt rose his hand again.
"Vilification."
"Wonderful! I'm so relieved! I was telling myself that if none of my students knew the answer to this, I'd have to go home and eat spinach as punishment. Now I can have pizza." Matt was pleased he could help the man to have a better dinner.
Snapping out of his reverie, he looked at his professor again. He really was kind of odd, in an endearing sort of way. Kind of like the lone raggedy puppy one might find on the street corner. The puppy seems sorta pathetic until you realize it can fetch sticks better than any other dog on the planet, and can even spell it's own name in the sand at the beach. Yes, his professor was talented and smart like that.
Pulling his cell phone out of his pocket, Matt positioned himself. A moment later when the boy wearing the fetching shirt (Red Riding Hood holding a hand gun and wearing a skinned wolf as her new cloak) wasn't looking, Matt snapped a pic of his professor. Giggling to himself, because he now had a private joke, he made a mental note to add the picture to his 'creepy stalker' album on Facebook.
A moment later the bus came to a wobbly stop and his professor stood up and exited. As the vehicle pulled away again, Matt looked out the window, watching him walk to his house. Wondering what kind of pizza the man was going to eat, he settled back into his seat.
It wasn't at ALL weird that he had just spent the whole bus ride observing his professor under disguise, Matt told himself. It wasn't at ALL odd that he had taken a picture of the man, and it wasn't at ALL strange that he now knew where his professor lived. No, this is normal, every day happenings for Matt... ;-)
He sat down and smiled at the eccentric man. His professor made no gesture of recognition, however, and Matt was perplexed. He had been in the guy's class not 2 hours earlier. A class with less than 15 people! It was then that he realized he was wearing his rather large, dark, bling- bling sunglasses that covered half his face. No wonder the professor didn't recognize him. A whole new world of possibilities suddenly opened up to Matt.
Unabashedly, he stared at his professor. He was kind of a fidgety little man with watery eyes that darted around in their sockets like little marbles. He had a sweaty tangle of hair on his head that he kept pushing back in vain, and his glasses were a little too large for his face. Matt was intrigued by this man he called 'Professor.'
What was the guy like? Did he have a personal life outside of school at all? Matt was remembering the contents of the discussion in class earlier that day. At one point in class, the man had randomly wondered aloud if anyone sane even believed Area 51 to be legit. Matt had countered the remark.
"Um sir, I was actually just in Roswell 2 weeks ago and I visited the International UFO Museum and Research Center," he said in an important voice while his classmates snickered. "And I have to say, after reading all the official documents and newspaper clippings from the time, I'm a little convinced now. It was all pretty legit."
His professor had laughed at his cheekiness, and Matt had thought to himself, "I'm totally getting an A this semester." Minutes later in class, the professor had asked another question.
"Who know's what it is called when someone casts their opponent into an extremely negative light?" Matt rose his hand again.
"Vilification."
"Wonderful! I'm so relieved! I was telling myself that if none of my students knew the answer to this, I'd have to go home and eat spinach as punishment. Now I can have pizza." Matt was pleased he could help the man to have a better dinner.
Snapping out of his reverie, he looked at his professor again. He really was kind of odd, in an endearing sort of way. Kind of like the lone raggedy puppy one might find on the street corner. The puppy seems sorta pathetic until you realize it can fetch sticks better than any other dog on the planet, and can even spell it's own name in the sand at the beach. Yes, his professor was talented and smart like that.
Pulling his cell phone out of his pocket, Matt positioned himself. A moment later when the boy wearing the fetching shirt (Red Riding Hood holding a hand gun and wearing a skinned wolf as her new cloak) wasn't looking, Matt snapped a pic of his professor. Giggling to himself, because he now had a private joke, he made a mental note to add the picture to his 'creepy stalker' album on Facebook.
A moment later the bus came to a wobbly stop and his professor stood up and exited. As the vehicle pulled away again, Matt looked out the window, watching him walk to his house. Wondering what kind of pizza the man was going to eat, he settled back into his seat.
It wasn't at ALL weird that he had just spent the whole bus ride observing his professor under disguise, Matt told himself. It wasn't at ALL odd that he had taken a picture of the man, and it wasn't at ALL strange that he now knew where his professor lived. No, this is normal, every day happenings for Matt... ;-)
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