A Cooking Debacle

Matt doesn't cook. Period. Truth be told, even though he is not a woman, he can easily relate to Susan from the TV show, Desperate Housewives. Susan is the adorable, klutzy one who is extremely accident prone and whose cooking is an insult to humanity. Matt is the same.

Whenever he is invited to a dinner party or a picnic, he always opts to bring drinks or chips, and the few times he does attempt to dabble in cooking world, there is usually disaster. There was the time a year ago when he started a grease fire while making pancakes. He was simply pouring more olive oil into the pan when he missed and poured it directly onto the burner instead. His screams could be heard all the way to Mt. Rushmore as the flames engulfed the entire frying pan. Luckily his house didn't burn down with that one.

And when it comes to making eggs, Matt struggles. He still hasn't figured out how to crack an egg without busting egg shell everywhere, and he can only handle scrambled eggs. Fried eggs are too difficult and he doesn't quite have the skills necessary to flip one without it falling apart. Maybe one day he will gain that talent. He does have to say though, that he is proud of the fact that he no longer burns his scrambled eggs. It took him 5 months of practice to accomplish that feat.

Recently, Matt decided to try grilling tilapia. He likes to eat fish and the instructions on the package of frozen fish seemed do-able enough. The other evening he decided to give it a whirl.

At first, things seemed to be going smoothly. He thawed the fish in cold water, and poured some extra-virgin-olive oil in a pan, making sure NOT to spill any on the burners.

As soon as the tilapia started to grill, however, he realized he had poured a little too much oil into the pan. There was loud spluttering noises and oil was splashing outward. Fearing for his life, he grabbed a spatula, and lifting the frying pan, walked over to the kitchen sink. Placing the spatula over the two fillets, he attempted to pour some of the excess oil into a bowl. Ya, that didn't work so well...

As soon as some of the oil started to trickle out, Matt lost his grip with the spatula and one of the fillets slipped out. "No, no no no no!!!" he yelled as he watched the fillet slide sideways out of the pan and land gracefully in the sink.

Without thinking, he dropped the spatula and reached down to grab the filet, effectively burning his fingers on the hot fish, which then escaped down the drain into the garbage disposal. As he slammed the frying pan back down on the burners, muttering obscenities about fish and how stupid cooking is, he caught a glimpse of his room-mate shaking silently with laughter in the living room.

"What's so funny Caesar?" Matt snapped, brandishing the spatula towards his roomie like a dagger.

"Nothing, nothing. I'm just watching you try to cook, that's all," said Caesar as he snorted with laughter.

Matt glared at him. "You better shut it Caesar, or I'll turn you into a salad." With that, he attempted to grill the remaining fillet which he ended up burning.

And this is why Matt does not cook...