Tuna Fish and Pregnancy

     Matt was driving home from work when it hit him. A sudden and intense desire for tuna fish. Why tuna? He has no clue. It's not like he eats it very often, as it smells foul. It was such a demanding craving though, and he knew that if he did not have a tuna fish sandwich pronto, somehow, something bad would happen in his life. It needed to be done. As he parked his car next to the man-eating rosebush that snags at his clothes in an annoying fashion every time he walks by, the thought crossed his mind that maybe this is what it's like to be pregnant... Don't pregnant women have weird cravings? Don't they wind up eating ice cream with pickles and don't they dip their ketchup in ketchup?

     Stepping into the kitchen, he put the tea kettle on and added a few eggs to hard boil. He then pulled some tuna fish from the cupboard, and carefully opened the can... The stench suddenly hit him as hard as the garbage truck that hit the stupidest squirrel playing hopscotch on the road in front of his house. Only the stench made him salivate, not cry like the stupidest squirrel's friends. Feeling excited for his divine dinner, Matt began singing in a phony French accent- "Les poisson les poisson, how I LOOOOVE les poisson" from 'The Little Mermaid.' He was in a jolly mood.

     Looking in the fridge, Matt then dug from the very back corner, a jar of Miracle Whip. The lid was rather dusty, but had an 'M' on it, so it was definitely his Miracle Whip. As Matt turned the jar in his hand, he happened to see the expiration date- August 2011. Wrinkling his nose in disgust, Matt threw the Miracle Whip in the trash. He only ever uses Miracle Whip to make tuna fish sandwiches and apparently it had been over a year since the last sandwich.

     Shrugging his shoulders he decided that he would just have to do without Miracle Whip. A moment later he was mashing up the hard boiled eggs and adding cheese to the mixture. As he added it to the tuna, the whole concoction wasn't mixing well. It was super dry and chunky. However, it still smelled yummy. After it was mixed in the bowl, he awkwardly slabbed a spoonful onto two pieces of bread. Feeling ravenous, Matt then opened his mouth wide and took the first bite of his glorious, heavenly sandwich...

     He chewed a minute, smiled to himself and swallowed. Ok, so it wasn't quite what he was expecting, but he had a whole bowl of tuna fish and he wasn't going to waste it; he loved Les poisson! Three bites later Matt's stomach turned and he admitted to himself that the sandwich truly tasted awful without the miracle whip. He was really struggling to chew, and the dry tuna was sticking to the back of his throat. After five bites, he was gagging and rushed to the sink. Spitting out the dry tuna, he washed the whole thing down the drain, and even ran the garbage disposal to be safe. He then gargled with pineapple, banana orange juice and ran downstairs to brush his teeth. 

     Making a mental note to himself to never become pregnant, Matt also decided that he won't be having another tuna fish sandwich for at least two years now.