Matt was feeling extremely nervous as he stepped up in front of the crowd outside the gazebo at King's English Bookshop. It was the release party for the magazine his short story, Father's Painting, was published in, and he was going to do a reading for the public. He had barely arrived at the bookshop and taken a seat 5 minutes earlier, when he was informed that he was to be the first reader for the evening. He nearly piddled his pants on the spot.
As he stepped up to the podium in front of a gorgeous vine with a trellis, he happened to notice a small, black mouse running the length of the vines directly behind where he was to be standing. This did nothing to calm his nerves, knowing that a critter might suddenly run up his leg or jump into his hair. Trying to not think of an attacking mouse, Matt looked out at the expectant crowd and tried to adjust the microphone. The stand was too short and he had to kind of hunch over in order to speak into the mike. Crickets could have been chirping as Matt looked out at the silent mass of people. It was a truly awkward moment.
Matt was surprised as he heard his voice begin to mumble something inconsequential about being a student at the U, and that he was going to read something from his new novel he was finishing- which he suddenly couldn't remember the name of.
Realizing that he was losing it completely, Matt took a deep breath and quickly conjured up a mental picture of his favorite fridge magnet. The one with a picture of a couple wearing loose togas as they sat on a swing, while the lady with more hair than clothing says- "I sure hope they never invent underwear..." Remembering this made Matt inwardly snicker to himself, and he suddenly knew he would be okay.
Matt then began to read 'The Hat Man,' (see earlier blog post) a small essay from his novel, The Manhattan Memoirs. He was soon very much into the piece and he had a grand time impersonating the voice of the threatening street vendor from China Town who tried to force Matt into buying a horrid fedora that he did not wish to buy.
And as he read his favorite line from the piece- "The man then literally began flapping his hands and shooin us out of his booth, the way Miss Alabama would probably shoo away a swarm of mosquitoes with her stiletto heels during her talent portion," he knew that this was why he was a writer. So that he could get up in front of a crowd and read comical blips, while at the same time wondering who the idiot was who ever invented underwear anyways...
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Friday, May 11, 2012
Tanning With Pigeons
Matt realized the other day that his freckles are the only tan spots on his body. Since the weather is warming, he decided it was time to get a tan. He has a morbid fear of being trapped inside a tanning bed though, and dying inside (he can picture the attendants finding him frittered to a crisp, mouth open in a kind of silent scream two days later). So he opted to skip out on the tanning salon. Instead he decided to lie out, white trash style, on the driveway.
Wearing his plaid design, orange bathing suit, and candy cane red sunglasses, Matt spread his green towel across the uneven, jagged driveway. He tried to pick a spot with less pebbles and where the weeds didn't poke through the cracks so much, because he doesn't own one of those fancy lounge, pool chairs like his Grandma's rich neighbors, the Lindquists. They have a swimming pool, complete with a diving board and Matt used to peer through the wrought iron fence in his Grandma's backyard, in a longing manner while they swam and drank iced lemonade by the poolside. If he waited long enough, and had a pathetic enough look on his face, the Lindquists would eventually invite him over to swim, out of pity. His Grandma used to get so mad at him! But this is besides the point, and Matt is getting off track. Back to the story now-
He then applied a generous amount of sunscreen to his shnozz, as his Dumbledore nose tends to catch quite a bit of sun. As Matt hunkered down on his driveway, at the edge of a busy road where the cars never stop going through the night, he wondered what the passing drivers would think when they viewed a guy lying on the cement, trying to tan in a sexy manner on a very ghetto driveway next to the garbage bins.
Matt tried to tune out the noise of the exterior world, however, and simply allow the sun's rays to saturate his ghostly white skin. He was enjoying the serenity of the moment, and singing- I'm gonna soak up the sun, by Sheryl Crow, in an enthusiastic manner. And then he heard it. Something horrifying; the kind of thing he hears only in nightmares.
His skin suddenly prickling, Matt's fight or flight mode instantly took over. Sitting up quickly, he ripped his sunglasses off and looked to the source of the noise. Directly above him came a small coo-ing. Feeling revolted, he looked up at his arch nemesis, the insidious albino pigeon, as it sat perched on the electrical wire.
Matt immediately gagged and threw up in his mouth a little at the sight. The pigeon spread his wings, shaking them out and Matt nearly had a coronary from fright. His immediate desire was to flee to his house. Feeling that this might hurt his pride though, and not wanting to lose to the pigeon, Matt picked up his towel and began shaking it roughly, trying to scare his enemy off. The bird simply cocked his head to the side, and looked at Matt questioningly.
Next, Matt began barking like a dog, shaking his towel all the more furiously. Again, his enemy simply gazed on. Feeling annoyed, Matt slowly backed up, (one should never turn one's back to an opponent). Never breaking his eye contact with the bird, he noticed a large chunk of wood lying in the driveway, and hurriedly snatched it up. He now had a weapon.
Feeling much more brave, Matt approached the bird again, holding the wood like a baseball bat in case it decided to attack. The bird looked at him in a bored fashion though, and let out a vile poo on Matt's driveway. It was now mocking him.
Taking careful aim, Matt stuck his tongue out in concentration and threw the wood hunk with all his might towards the bird. There was a loud squawk as the board hit the wire mere inches away from the pigeon, causing the wire to wobble dangerously. Matt laughed loudly as the pigeon took flight. As the thing retreated he hollered- "Ya that's right, skiddle along you little piddle!" He sure showed the bird who was boss...
As Matt recollects the experience, he realizes that he grew a little bit inside that day. He had stood up to the bully; the mean spirited boy who rules every playground. The one named Jeremy or Bubba or Jafar. The one who pins his victims up against the brick wall, fists bared, until they empty their pockets of their bubble-tape and star-bursts. Only this bully was worse; it was a pigeon...
And now as Matt writes the story, chest red from the sun, he feels a bit proud inside.
Wearing his plaid design, orange bathing suit, and candy cane red sunglasses, Matt spread his green towel across the uneven, jagged driveway. He tried to pick a spot with less pebbles and where the weeds didn't poke through the cracks so much, because he doesn't own one of those fancy lounge, pool chairs like his Grandma's rich neighbors, the Lindquists. They have a swimming pool, complete with a diving board and Matt used to peer through the wrought iron fence in his Grandma's backyard, in a longing manner while they swam and drank iced lemonade by the poolside. If he waited long enough, and had a pathetic enough look on his face, the Lindquists would eventually invite him over to swim, out of pity. His Grandma used to get so mad at him! But this is besides the point, and Matt is getting off track. Back to the story now-
He then applied a generous amount of sunscreen to his shnozz, as his Dumbledore nose tends to catch quite a bit of sun. As Matt hunkered down on his driveway, at the edge of a busy road where the cars never stop going through the night, he wondered what the passing drivers would think when they viewed a guy lying on the cement, trying to tan in a sexy manner on a very ghetto driveway next to the garbage bins.
Matt tried to tune out the noise of the exterior world, however, and simply allow the sun's rays to saturate his ghostly white skin. He was enjoying the serenity of the moment, and singing- I'm gonna soak up the sun, by Sheryl Crow, in an enthusiastic manner. And then he heard it. Something horrifying; the kind of thing he hears only in nightmares.
His skin suddenly prickling, Matt's fight or flight mode instantly took over. Sitting up quickly, he ripped his sunglasses off and looked to the source of the noise. Directly above him came a small coo-ing. Feeling revolted, he looked up at his arch nemesis, the insidious albino pigeon, as it sat perched on the electrical wire.
Matt immediately gagged and threw up in his mouth a little at the sight. The pigeon spread his wings, shaking them out and Matt nearly had a coronary from fright. His immediate desire was to flee to his house. Feeling that this might hurt his pride though, and not wanting to lose to the pigeon, Matt picked up his towel and began shaking it roughly, trying to scare his enemy off. The bird simply cocked his head to the side, and looked at Matt questioningly.
Next, Matt began barking like a dog, shaking his towel all the more furiously. Again, his enemy simply gazed on. Feeling annoyed, Matt slowly backed up, (one should never turn one's back to an opponent). Never breaking his eye contact with the bird, he noticed a large chunk of wood lying in the driveway, and hurriedly snatched it up. He now had a weapon.
Feeling much more brave, Matt approached the bird again, holding the wood like a baseball bat in case it decided to attack. The bird looked at him in a bored fashion though, and let out a vile poo on Matt's driveway. It was now mocking him.
Taking careful aim, Matt stuck his tongue out in concentration and threw the wood hunk with all his might towards the bird. There was a loud squawk as the board hit the wire mere inches away from the pigeon, causing the wire to wobble dangerously. Matt laughed loudly as the pigeon took flight. As the thing retreated he hollered- "Ya that's right, skiddle along you little piddle!" He sure showed the bird who was boss...
As Matt recollects the experience, he realizes that he grew a little bit inside that day. He had stood up to the bully; the mean spirited boy who rules every playground. The one named Jeremy or Bubba or Jafar. The one who pins his victims up against the brick wall, fists bared, until they empty their pockets of their bubble-tape and star-bursts. Only this bully was worse; it was a pigeon...
And now as Matt writes the story, chest red from the sun, he feels a bit proud inside.
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
A Simply Wild Two Days!
Matt has had quite a few strange experiences in the past 2 days. It began with him wearing an entire bee suit and following a beekeeping expert around the city to check on beehives. He is writing a feature, magazine article on 'The Unusual Places Beekeeping Can be Found in the Beehive State.' Needless to say, he needed the full experience.
"These bees can't sting me, right?" asked Matt apprehensively as a new hive was opened and a swarm of agitated bees suddenly surrounded him, clinging to his suit and filling his ears with an overwhelming buzzing...Ironically though, he was more scared of the chickens pecking around the garden, than of the thousands of bees.
The day became more interesting when later on he received a knock at his front door from a man in a tailored suit, who flashed a badge. "I'm a private investigator here to speak with a Mr. Matt Jaggi."
"That's me," Matt said apprehensively. As they took a seat in Matt's living room, the investigator began asking Matt a series of questions regarding his old roommate from 3 years ago. Since Matt was about as close to his old roommate as a head of broccoli is to a chunk of strawberry trifle with ice-cream, he was struggling with the questions.
"Did he ever speak with, or try to help people from outside the country?"
"Err, I dunno?"
"Did he ever speak with foreign diplomats, or speak any foreign languages?"
"Um, I mean he was a popular and friendly guy, so he could have had friends in high places, but I dunno...What's this about again?" Matt asked.
"Just keep to the questions. Did he ever hang around questionable people?"
"No." The man raised his eyebrows. "Uh, yes? Maybe? I dunno? I mean he seemed pretty normal and nice. Except once he dated this weird girl who told me about a time she peed her pants. It was kinda awkward, and I was wondering if he had found her under a rock or something-" the investigator cleared his throat- "and, I'm not getting him into trouble am I? Because I'm pretty sure you should be talkin to his family and friends about this," Matt rambled.
And the questions continued for 20 minutes. Finally the man seemed pleased, and told Matt his answers would be shared with agencies. "Well this is just fun-tastic, I'm gonna get the poor guy in trouble," Matt replied.
He never did find out what the investigation was about and can only assume it was some sort of character background check for a job. Probably a job working with the CEO of Walmart. They are taking over the world after all...
The next day as Matt pulled into the parking lot at Sears, he noticed several police cars pulled over. As he looked closer he noticed the police men were surrounding a man who was sprawled, spread eagle style on the sidewalk. Matt wondered if it was the homeless man who sometimes sleeps in the bathroom at Sears. He looked either dead or stupified, but Matt is gonna pretend he was simply sleeping...
As Matt was leaving work later that night (stupified man and cops were gone), he received a frantic text from a friend. "Ohhhh my gosh! Do you remember (name removed) from our Fiction Workshop last semester? He is on the news right now!"
"Why?" Matt texted back. "For a nose-picking record?"
"No, you're confusing him with (blank) who always sat in the corner and wiped his boogers under his desk. I'm talking about the guy who always wrote bizarre stories about his dad."
"Oh ya! Hmmm, I'll check it out."
Matt was horrified when he got home to find out that his classmate was on the news because he had been stabbed 8 times by a Korean National in the Smith's Parking lot next to campus. Luckily he survived and was giving a winning and rather heartfelt interview on Channel 5. Matt felt bad for his classmate, and vowed to never laugh at the stories of his eccentric father ever again. He was also slightly jealous of the fact that his classmate now had seriously awesome story telling material to work with... Horrible thing to feel, but it's what it is.
Then to top things off, Matt thought all his wildest dreams were coming true when he received an invitation on facebook telling him that if he forwarded a message from Disney to 500 people, he would receive 4 free tickets to Disneyland! Wahoo!
So Matt promptly spent a lavish amount of time passing the email around, until he received a message from his friend Brian informing him that the person who had posted the Disneyland Ad had only been a member of facebook for 10 hours, and that there was no way for them to know if Matt had forwarded 500 people. It was obviously a scam.
Dang flabbit, what a shady thing to do! Get Matt all excited for Disneyland, then crush his hopes and dreams. Matt now wants to apologize to the 500 facebookers he forwarded the message to...
And that was the end of his two days.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
A Scheduled Earthquake
Matt had blunderous fun at school today. At approximately 10:15 am, in the midst of Spanish class, there was a campus wide earthquake drill- there had been posters plastered all over campus for weeks to advertise- and siren's went off and all students had to find shelter. However, Matt's desk was NOT earthquake friendly.
It was a chair with a tiny swing down desk, and it took him a good 30 seconds to situate himself- he lay down on his back, with head and torso under the chair- until his professor hollered out "Anyone on their back is probably gonna die!" So Matt tried to scrunch up in a ball. It was fairly awkward and he wondered if his underwear was showing since his shirt was riding up his back. Trying not to dwell on this, he turned to his neighbor who was scrunched in like manner.
"How are you today?" he asked politely.
She brushed her now dishelved hair out of her face before responding. "I'm good. How funny is this though, my friend is getting her wisdom teeth out today, and when she heard that there was an earthquake drill planned, she got pissed and said "I really wish I would have known that there was going to be an earthquake! I would have chosen a different day to have surgery."
"Oh my lanta, are you kidding me?! She really believed that there was going to be an earthquake today, like we just happen to know when there's gonna be one?"
"Yup," laughed his neighbor.
After that was the evacuation. As he and his classmates began to file in the halls of the library, they turned to go down one corridor to an exit, only to find a strict librarian with pointy glasses yelling "You can't exit this way, there are gas pipelines!" Instead they wandered the long way through to the other exit. As they finally stepped outside, away from the loud sirens, they found that it was raining. Just perfect. Normally on principal Matt doesn't use umbrellas as he finds it un-stylish toting one around. Luckily though he had brought one today. He found that he was suddenly quite popular with classes mates who have previously never spoken to him.
After 5 minutes of huddling in the rain, a bossy man approached the group. "If you're students you need to go to the emergency evacuation point. It's a tent in the parking lot past the business building."
Matt gave the man an incredulous look. "Is this really necessary? That's halfway across campus. Won't the library open back up soon?"
"I'm sorry, but it's part of the drill. Besides, if you go to the tent you get a free bag of Shwag!" A bag of what?? No-one seemed to know what "Shwag" consisted of, and the man had bounded away before they could figure out.
Hoping that it was a bag of treats, Matt and his classmates shlumped through the mud and puddles, and it was during this time that he discovered he had a hole in his left shoe. 10 minutes later they arrived to a tent set up in a parking lot.
There were dozens and dozens of people huddled around. Matt politely butted his way to the front and asked where the bags of shwag were. "Sorry, we ran out," responded a stressed girl who was attempting to control the masses. "Here, take a water bottle though" she said as she pressed a plastic bottle in his hands.
All Matt could do was laugh as he walked back to the library, minus his bag of shwag. His socks were wet for at least 3 hours afterwards. What a blunder! Next time maybe they should plan for the earthquake to happen on a sunny day...
It was a chair with a tiny swing down desk, and it took him a good 30 seconds to situate himself- he lay down on his back, with head and torso under the chair- until his professor hollered out "Anyone on their back is probably gonna die!" So Matt tried to scrunch up in a ball. It was fairly awkward and he wondered if his underwear was showing since his shirt was riding up his back. Trying not to dwell on this, he turned to his neighbor who was scrunched in like manner.
"How are you today?" he asked politely.
She brushed her now dishelved hair out of her face before responding. "I'm good. How funny is this though, my friend is getting her wisdom teeth out today, and when she heard that there was an earthquake drill planned, she got pissed and said "I really wish I would have known that there was going to be an earthquake! I would have chosen a different day to have surgery."
"Oh my lanta, are you kidding me?! She really believed that there was going to be an earthquake today, like we just happen to know when there's gonna be one?"
"Yup," laughed his neighbor.
After that was the evacuation. As he and his classmates began to file in the halls of the library, they turned to go down one corridor to an exit, only to find a strict librarian with pointy glasses yelling "You can't exit this way, there are gas pipelines!" Instead they wandered the long way through to the other exit. As they finally stepped outside, away from the loud sirens, they found that it was raining. Just perfect. Normally on principal Matt doesn't use umbrellas as he finds it un-stylish toting one around. Luckily though he had brought one today. He found that he was suddenly quite popular with classes mates who have previously never spoken to him.
After 5 minutes of huddling in the rain, a bossy man approached the group. "If you're students you need to go to the emergency evacuation point. It's a tent in the parking lot past the business building."
Matt gave the man an incredulous look. "Is this really necessary? That's halfway across campus. Won't the library open back up soon?"
"I'm sorry, but it's part of the drill. Besides, if you go to the tent you get a free bag of Shwag!" A bag of what?? No-one seemed to know what "Shwag" consisted of, and the man had bounded away before they could figure out.
Hoping that it was a bag of treats, Matt and his classmates shlumped through the mud and puddles, and it was during this time that he discovered he had a hole in his left shoe. 10 minutes later they arrived to a tent set up in a parking lot.
There were dozens and dozens of people huddled around. Matt politely butted his way to the front and asked where the bags of shwag were. "Sorry, we ran out," responded a stressed girl who was attempting to control the masses. "Here, take a water bottle though" she said as she pressed a plastic bottle in his hands.
All Matt could do was laugh as he walked back to the library, minus his bag of shwag. His socks were wet for at least 3 hours afterwards. What a blunder! Next time maybe they should plan for the earthquake to happen on a sunny day...
Monday, April 16, 2012
Un Error en la Clase de Español
Matt received a fantastic text last night from his friend Janna. It was concerning her discovery at being paired with their least favorite Spanish classmate for the final oral exam. "Matt can you BELIEVE our teacher put me with him?! This is juuusst great!" Their classmate is a nice enough guy. It's just that he's the one who tends to sit and stare at people, every once in a while picking his nose and wiping it under the corner of his desk. Matt feels that he is definitely the salt of the Earth, bless his heart.
Only two weeks earlier, Matt and Janna had been paired with this very, um, interesting class mate for an in-class project. The three of them were preparing a dialogue about a reading they were supposed to have done for homework the night before. Since Matt and Janna didn't actually DO any of the assigned reading, they were going to play the role of the 'detectives' and ask their classmate in the discussion to explain the story. It was a brilliant plan! No-one would even guess that they were unprepared; they would just think they were rather creative. Their partner would simply explain it all as they would ask him 'questions.' Ya this plan didn't work so well.
As the teacher began lecturing after everyone finished their dialogues, she asked if anyone would like to volunteer their work. Matt and Janna groaned inwardly as their partner quickly rose his hand. They staggered up in front of the class and Matt began introductions in espanol then passed the baton to Janna to do her Shpeal. Then it was their delightful partner's turn. What happened over the next 5 minutes was particularly awkward and slightly traumatizing.
Their partner suddenly forgot how to speak in Spanish and sat and mumbled and muttered and panicked for several minutes. The whole class was wincing and Matt and Janna were tense as they coaxed questions out of him and attempted to finish all his sentences. Since they didn't know the story line themselves, they couldn't exactly tell the plot to the class. Finally their teacher intervened.
"Ok bueno chicos, good, uh, effort!" Feeling mortified, Matt and Janna sat down. Several minutes later after the next exercise their teacher asked for volunteers again. Janna quickly turned and snarled out of the corner of her mouth to their partner, "Don't EVEN think about it!" as he teetered on the edge of his chair in anticipation of raising his hand.
Flash forward back to the text- "So do you think if he stalls and mumbles she'll have pity on me and know that it's not my fault?" Janna texted Matt.
"Ya probably. Either way all you can do is laugh at the whole situation and hope he doesn't stare at you for too long." Matt then jumped online to see who HE had been paired with for the oral final.
As he scrolled through the list, he was simply thrilled to learn that he would be with the adorable blonde girl who has about as much energy as a cadaver! He is pretty sure she is 420 friendly, as her personality reminds Matt of someone who is permanently stoned. She constantly seems unaware of her surroundings, and last time they worked together, she promptly forgot what they were supposed to be doing and instead regaled to Matt the plans of all her future tattoos she planned on receiving...
Yes, group work in Spanish class is pretty much amazing ;)
Only two weeks earlier, Matt and Janna had been paired with this very, um, interesting class mate for an in-class project. The three of them were preparing a dialogue about a reading they were supposed to have done for homework the night before. Since Matt and Janna didn't actually DO any of the assigned reading, they were going to play the role of the 'detectives' and ask their classmate in the discussion to explain the story. It was a brilliant plan! No-one would even guess that they were unprepared; they would just think they were rather creative. Their partner would simply explain it all as they would ask him 'questions.' Ya this plan didn't work so well.
As the teacher began lecturing after everyone finished their dialogues, she asked if anyone would like to volunteer their work. Matt and Janna groaned inwardly as their partner quickly rose his hand. They staggered up in front of the class and Matt began introductions in espanol then passed the baton to Janna to do her Shpeal. Then it was their delightful partner's turn. What happened over the next 5 minutes was particularly awkward and slightly traumatizing.
Their partner suddenly forgot how to speak in Spanish and sat and mumbled and muttered and panicked for several minutes. The whole class was wincing and Matt and Janna were tense as they coaxed questions out of him and attempted to finish all his sentences. Since they didn't know the story line themselves, they couldn't exactly tell the plot to the class. Finally their teacher intervened.
"Ok bueno chicos, good, uh, effort!" Feeling mortified, Matt and Janna sat down. Several minutes later after the next exercise their teacher asked for volunteers again. Janna quickly turned and snarled out of the corner of her mouth to their partner, "Don't EVEN think about it!" as he teetered on the edge of his chair in anticipation of raising his hand.
Flash forward back to the text- "So do you think if he stalls and mumbles she'll have pity on me and know that it's not my fault?" Janna texted Matt.
"Ya probably. Either way all you can do is laugh at the whole situation and hope he doesn't stare at you for too long." Matt then jumped online to see who HE had been paired with for the oral final.
As he scrolled through the list, he was simply thrilled to learn that he would be with the adorable blonde girl who has about as much energy as a cadaver! He is pretty sure she is 420 friendly, as her personality reminds Matt of someone who is permanently stoned. She constantly seems unaware of her surroundings, and last time they worked together, she promptly forgot what they were supposed to be doing and instead regaled to Matt the plans of all her future tattoos she planned on receiving...
Yes, group work in Spanish class is pretty much amazing ;)
Saturday, April 7, 2012
The Joys of Customer Service
Matt met someone yesterday who was rather nasty. He would like to say that she was charming and say happy, pleasant things about her such as, "that lady sure had a winning and dashing smile!" As it was, her nasty personality matched her physical countenance, which unfortunately, was not a good thing as she reminded Matt vividly of a rather unfortunate and homely version of Tevye's daughter Tzeitel, from 'Fiddler on the Roof.'
As Matt was dusting appliances at work yesterday, a very tall, thin, sultry looking, grump of a woman slipped into the store. She told him her house had burned to the ground so she needed new appliances. Matt promptly felt sorry for the lady and listened while she bemoaned her fate. He was a very sympathetic listener as he began to show her all the different products, and he made sure to gasp in all the right places. Everything he showed her though, she complained about.
Now he realizes that if his house had just burned down and he had lost his Harry Potter books and his houseplant he dubbed 'Bahumut', he might be a bit grumpy too. However her insurance was footing the bill completely, and all she had to do was pick out what she liked. Matt has met a few housewives now, who purposely destroy their appliances just so they can buy new ones. This could have been a fun experience for the lady, but rather, she was truly sour throughout.
After he showed her a great clearance fridge that had been marked down $1,000 all she could do was whine about the small scratch on the bottom of the door (hence the mark-down) and that it should be another 25% more off. Matt told her 'no' in as a polite as way as possible, and they moved on. 2 hours later, they had all her appliances in order and were ringing up at the register. She was receiving an absolute killer of a discount, even though she had been condescending and nasty the whole way through. As Matt was adding the fridge at the end, (she had decided on the floor model) she she smacked her gum obnoxiously and said, "I want 25% more off on that."
"Um sorry, we already discussed this though, we're not taking any more off because it's already $1000 off."
"If you don't drop the price on that fridge more, I'll walk," she said in a very superior, smug type voice. She put her hands on her hips, daring Matt and tried to give him an intimidating look. At this point he was tired of her attitude and he looked back at her with a quelling look that clearly said 'Really?' He then simply said 'no' and continued on.
She was shocked. "I want to speak with your boss!" So Matt's boss came over, listened to what she had to say and promptly repeated what Matt had told her earlier.
"Sorry, but we can't drop the price of that fridge for you."
She looked affronted and said in a scandalized voice "Well! I suppose we are through then, I'll just take my business elsewhere!" She then snatched her purse, turned up her nose and stalked out. As he watched her disappear, Matt might have called her something kinda mean under his breath. His boss heard him.
"Matt! You can't say that here!" whoops ;-)
What a waste of time that woman was. Matt is feeling sorry for whatever appliance store is now being graced by her ungrateful presence.
As Matt was dusting appliances at work yesterday, a very tall, thin, sultry looking, grump of a woman slipped into the store. She told him her house had burned to the ground so she needed new appliances. Matt promptly felt sorry for the lady and listened while she bemoaned her fate. He was a very sympathetic listener as he began to show her all the different products, and he made sure to gasp in all the right places. Everything he showed her though, she complained about.
Now he realizes that if his house had just burned down and he had lost his Harry Potter books and his houseplant he dubbed 'Bahumut', he might be a bit grumpy too. However her insurance was footing the bill completely, and all she had to do was pick out what she liked. Matt has met a few housewives now, who purposely destroy their appliances just so they can buy new ones. This could have been a fun experience for the lady, but rather, she was truly sour throughout.
After he showed her a great clearance fridge that had been marked down $1,000 all she could do was whine about the small scratch on the bottom of the door (hence the mark-down) and that it should be another 25% more off. Matt told her 'no' in as a polite as way as possible, and they moved on. 2 hours later, they had all her appliances in order and were ringing up at the register. She was receiving an absolute killer of a discount, even though she had been condescending and nasty the whole way through. As Matt was adding the fridge at the end, (she had decided on the floor model) she she smacked her gum obnoxiously and said, "I want 25% more off on that."
"Um sorry, we already discussed this though, we're not taking any more off because it's already $1000 off."
"If you don't drop the price on that fridge more, I'll walk," she said in a very superior, smug type voice. She put her hands on her hips, daring Matt and tried to give him an intimidating look. At this point he was tired of her attitude and he looked back at her with a quelling look that clearly said 'Really?' He then simply said 'no' and continued on.
She was shocked. "I want to speak with your boss!" So Matt's boss came over, listened to what she had to say and promptly repeated what Matt had told her earlier.
"Sorry, but we can't drop the price of that fridge for you."
She looked affronted and said in a scandalized voice "Well! I suppose we are through then, I'll just take my business elsewhere!" She then snatched her purse, turned up her nose and stalked out. As he watched her disappear, Matt might have called her something kinda mean under his breath. His boss heard him.
"Matt! You can't say that here!" whoops ;-)
What a waste of time that woman was. Matt is feeling sorry for whatever appliance store is now being graced by her ungrateful presence.
Sunday, April 1, 2012
A Unicycle Story That Should Have Never Happened
After spending a long 9 hour shift at work, he was feeling utterly exhausted. "Why me?" he moaned, with a hand to his forehead, "That I alone must be responsible for the welfare of Salt Lake's citizen's home appliances is just monstrous!" Shlumping into his car like a decrepit old man, Matt started his car and pulled out of the parking lot. He felt a bit more rejuvenated once he had Beyonce blasting through his Car. He was also feeling kind of secretly excited to be spending time with his dear friends, Courtney and Paul Stout.
He had convinced them that they were going to watch Disney's 'The Rescuers' that night. This was non-negotiable. The other night he even got them to watch 'The Secret of Nimh,' cause he's cool like that, and he's been on this mouse-protagonist, movie kick lately. Anyways, getting back to the story, as he pulled up into their driveway, Matt noticed that Paul was zippin around on a pink unicycle.
"Matt, you gotta try this!" he exclaimed in between awkward circles on his driveway, as Matt crawled out of his car. Courtney was in the background looking apprehensive, as she didn't quite approve of Paul's new toy. (Turns out it was a neighbor child's, and Paul was simply 'borrowing' it, since the child left it sitting on their lawn.) Feeling that this might be quite adventurous, Matt decided to take a try. "Be careful!" Courtney warned as he picked up the unicycle.
As he grasped the seat for the first time, a sudden warmth raced through his hands, all the way through to his fingertips, kind of like an electric shock. It was like he was meant to do this. He just knew he would be a natural. This was going to be like the first time Harry Potter rode a broomstick, only it was Matt on a flamingo pink unicycle! Feeling excited, Matt had Paul help him mount his new ride.
He had barely found his balance and began pedaling down the driveway, laughing with Paul at his side, when he realized he had no control and didn't know how to turn. Panicking, he continued in a straight line. Now why he didn't simply dismount or at least try to crash into the grass, he is not sure. Matt never does well in panicky situations though.
Instead he crossed the street, and promptly rode straight down a cement stairwell leading to the neighbor's basement. Matt is pretty sure the whole southern half of Salt Lake heard his nerdy screams as he blundered his way down the steep stairs, crashing very ungracefully on the bottom. It was when he opened his eyes and saw the weird angle his leg was lying in amid the heap of rubble and a now bent unicycle, that he lost it completely. He fainted on the spot. Probably the first time in his life he has ever done so...
The paramedics soon arrived, and once they had him calmed him down (Are you sure they can fix that?! I mean, my leg should NOT look like that,' he kept sputtering) and onto the stretcher he was feeling a little better. The journey onto the stretcher was pretty painful though, Matt won't lie. At least the ambulance ride was rather exciting. He felt like royalty as they drove really fast through the city, and the paramedics even gave him a tasty watermelon, red sucker from a cool little jar that they keep especially for small kids.
And now as he writes the woeful tale 4 hours later, propped up in bed sporting a new cast, having broken his tibia and spraining 2 muscles, all he can say is "What a blunder!" Turns out he isn't so Harry Potter-like with the unicycle after all...
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