Funny quotes that positively tickle Matt's back bone

- “I like children. If they're properly cooked. -W.C. Fields


- "You have to be able to laugh at yourself. That's what I tell Asian people all the time." -Sarah Silverman


- "There are naked people in boots on a mountain top firing guns." -Andy Richter


- "I've never been married but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me." -Elayne Boosler


- "When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car." -Will Rogers


- "Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." -Erma Bombeck


- "I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!'" -Bruce Baum


- "You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is." -Ellen Degeners


- "I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time,' so I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance." -Stephen Wright


- "Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone." -Tommy Cooper


- "I don't even butter my bread. I consider that cooking." -Katherine Cebri


- "If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the 'up' button." -Someone really witty said this


-"Love is not something you can put chains on and throw into a lake. That's called Houdini. Love is liking someone a lot." -Jack Handey


- "When I was younger, there was a house on my street that I thought was haunted. At night you'd hear screams coming from all over the house...plus anyone who went in never came out. Later I found out it was just a murderer's house." -Jack Handey


- "When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out Uncle Caveman was a bear." -Jack Handey


- "Like a carrier pigeon being set aflame, the winged creature with a message attached to it's leg glittered, as it was roasted slowly over a fire." -Matt Jaggi

A Very Dreadful List

Matt is normally a delightful and cheerful person. He is like the littlest elf who skips around the forest, singing and smiling and being kind to squirrels and furry friends. Today, however, he is in a dour mood. He has no desire to be around gushing, happy people because it will make him feel nauseous. It's because of the poopy weather outside. He just cannot handle the grey, smoggy dreariness a moment longer. Since he feels this way, he has decided to write a list of things he does NOT like. He kinda had fun making the list actually...


What Matt is not grateful for: 

-Hummingbirds (they fly at top notch speed and could easily sever Matt's eyeball with it's sword of a beak).
-The milk at the very bottom of the milk container (the frothy bubbles gross him out).
-The 'Shane Jeweler' commercial that always comes up on the radio. The man's voice is boring and irritating.
-Magpies. Again because it's a bird. Enough said there.
-Slow driver's in the fast lane. Matt is usually late for functions, so this really irks and brings out the worst in him.
-Geese and Swans. Have you heard the way they hiss? Kinda horrifying really.
-The movie 'The Labyrinth'. It frightens Matt every time he watches it.
-Paige Davis, the overly peppy and obnoxious girl with the bad haircut from the RC Willey's commercial. Matt just mostly hates RE Evil though, since he works at Sears.
-Public bathrooms. You can pick the farthest stall away, and every time, without fail, someone will come to the stall next to yours. Within seconds the vicinity smells of poo.
-Empty bird cages. It means the bird has escaped.
-Cold and dreary weather after December 25th. Someone needs to come up with a way to destroy winter after this date, in his opinion.
-Licorice. Even the smell causes Matt to throw up in his mouth a little.
-Lord Licorice from the game 'Candy Land.' Matt has a hard time playing this game because of the character.
-Being locked in a room full of exotic birds.
-When someone asks for a 'big favor.' It's a very ominous sounding sentence.
-Generic toilet paper. It's rough and scratchy, and irritates Matt's bum.
-Corn Beef and Cabbage. Blech, vomit esk.
-The phrase 'endure to the end.' Why not 'enjoy to the end?'
-The Kardashians. How did they even become famous anyways?
-The bird woman from Mary Poppins who insists on feeding the things. Matt wants to shoot her.
-The sound of a nose being blown. It makes him think there is a moose in the bathroom.
-Seagulls. Matt doesn't care that they are the state bird. They should be eliminated immediately.
-cooking. This is why Matt needs Julia Child in his life.
-The uncomfortable sensation of having bad gas, in a public setting.
-And last but not least, his arch nemesis THE INSIDIOUS ALBINO PIGEON, who poos on his car by day, and haunts him in his dreams by night.

Well after making a not so nice list, Matt actually feels marginally better ;-)

Bon Appetit!

Matt just watched 'Julie & Julia' and after years of searching, he has finally found a kindred spirit in Julia Child. Minus the fact that he hates cooking that is. This is hardly beside the point though. He is pretty sure that if circumstances were different, and if he and Julia had met, they would have been quite chummy. That or the very worst of enemies... However, like wise old Dumbledore once said "it does not do well to dwell on dreams and forget to live." Truth is, Julia Child is dead. Dead, dead, dead. She can't get anymore dead than she already is. So Matt must continue on, knowing that he will never meet his kindred spirit in this life. It would probably be healthy for him to remember that Julia is probably a rotted husk of a corpse with an empty, maggoty filled skull. She probably stinks to high heavens as well... Anyways, if Julia was alive and had a heart and eyeballs and a functioning nose, Matt just knows they would have been thick as thieves. They would snigger and laugh like wee little school children, and they would definitely have a secret handshake. Matt would also speak in a shrill voice like her and he would say "bon appetite!" in way of greeting. This would be true for both 'hello's' and 'goodbye's' as well as "What's up girl?!" So as Matt gets ready to tuck his toes into bed he says "bon appetite!"

Matt thinks humanity is made up of weird people, all trying to act normal.

Weird follows Matt like a cloud. It's just the way that it is. Quite often, he finds himself in bizarre and highly embarrassing situations; the kind that cause onlooker's to cringe in shame (but also causing them to secretly laugh inside). He laughs as well. This is why he will be sharing a blog. It will be a sort of memoir to his life.