Funny quotes that positively tickle Matt's back bone

- “I like children. If they're properly cooked. -W.C. Fields


- "You have to be able to laugh at yourself. That's what I tell Asian people all the time." -Sarah Silverman


- "There are naked people in boots on a mountain top firing guns." -Andy Richter


- "I've never been married but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me." -Elayne Boosler


- "When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car." -Will Rogers


- "Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." -Erma Bombeck


- "I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!'" -Bruce Baum


- "You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is." -Ellen Degeners


- "I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time,' so I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance." -Stephen Wright


- "Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone." -Tommy Cooper


- "I don't even butter my bread. I consider that cooking." -Katherine Cebri


- "If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the 'up' button." -Someone really witty said this


-"Love is not something you can put chains on and throw into a lake. That's called Houdini. Love is liking someone a lot." -Jack Handey


- "When I was younger, there was a house on my street that I thought was haunted. At night you'd hear screams coming from all over the house...plus anyone who went in never came out. Later I found out it was just a murderer's house." -Jack Handey


- "When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out Uncle Caveman was a bear." -Jack Handey


- "Like a carrier pigeon being set aflame, the winged creature with a message attached to it's leg glittered, as it was roasted slowly over a fire." -Matt Jaggi