A Very Dreadful List

Matt is normally a delightful and cheerful person. He is like the littlest elf who skips around the forest, singing and smiling and being kind to squirrels and furry friends. Today, however, he is in a dour mood. He has no desire to be around gushing, happy people because it will make him feel nauseous. It's because of the poopy weather outside. He just cannot handle the grey, smoggy dreariness a moment longer. Since he feels this way, he has decided to write a list of things he does NOT like. He kinda had fun making the list actually...


What Matt is not grateful for: 

-Hummingbirds (they fly at top notch speed and could easily sever Matt's eyeball with it's sword of a beak).
-The milk at the very bottom of the milk container (the frothy bubbles gross him out).
-The 'Shane Jeweler' commercial that always comes up on the radio. The man's voice is boring and irritating.
-Magpies. Again because it's a bird. Enough said there.
-Slow driver's in the fast lane. Matt is usually late for functions, so this really irks and brings out the worst in him.
-Geese and Swans. Have you heard the way they hiss? Kinda horrifying really.
-The movie 'The Labyrinth'. It frightens Matt every time he watches it.
-Paige Davis, the overly peppy and obnoxious girl with the bad haircut from the RC Willey's commercial. Matt just mostly hates RE Evil though, since he works at Sears.
-Public bathrooms. You can pick the farthest stall away, and every time, without fail, someone will come to the stall next to yours. Within seconds the vicinity smells of poo.
-Empty bird cages. It means the bird has escaped.
-Cold and dreary weather after December 25th. Someone needs to come up with a way to destroy winter after this date, in his opinion.
-Licorice. Even the smell causes Matt to throw up in his mouth a little.
-Lord Licorice from the game 'Candy Land.' Matt has a hard time playing this game because of the character.
-Being locked in a room full of exotic birds.
-When someone asks for a 'big favor.' It's a very ominous sounding sentence.
-Generic toilet paper. It's rough and scratchy, and irritates Matt's bum.
-Corn Beef and Cabbage. Blech, vomit esk.
-The phrase 'endure to the end.' Why not 'enjoy to the end?'
-The Kardashians. How did they even become famous anyways?
-The bird woman from Mary Poppins who insists on feeding the things. Matt wants to shoot her.
-The sound of a nose being blown. It makes him think there is a moose in the bathroom.
-Seagulls. Matt doesn't care that they are the state bird. They should be eliminated immediately.
-cooking. This is why Matt needs Julia Child in his life.
-The uncomfortable sensation of having bad gas, in a public setting.
-And last but not least, his arch nemesis THE INSIDIOUS ALBINO PIGEON, who poos on his car by day, and haunts him in his dreams by night.

Well after making a not so nice list, Matt actually feels marginally better ;-)