Attack!!

     Sometimes Sundays are desirable. On the Sundays when Matt isn't concealing himself behind stoves and fridges, in order to avoid the customers who are downright terrors,  he is free to take 3 hour naps, play several rounds of 'Words With Friends,' plot out brilliant acts of revenge against his arch nemesis, the albino pigeon, or watch Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman. Occasionally, he may even clean his house, as it is the sensible thing to do. Today was one of the Sundays that was to be a cleaning day.

     Feeling like tidying his room a bit, Matt began to clean. As he picked up a book, 'The Hole in Your Nose' off his floor, he saw movement. Bending down to get a closer look, he noticed a little ant crawling along his carpet. "Oh my lucky stars, where did you come from?" Matt asked the little thing. It was then that he saw more movement, and looking around closely he saw dozens and dozens of ants crawling around his carpet.

      Howling like the neighbors ugly cat Gizzy when he sprayed her with the garden hose (she was sitting on his car when he wanted to wash it, and wouldn't move) Matt quickly hopped onto his bed. Where on earth did they come from?! His room wasn't even that messy at all. Feeling like they were crawling all over his body, Matt jumped off and ran to the other room to find a weapon. Coming back armed with his vacuum cleaner, he plugged the machine in and an almighty roar filled the room. Yelling "Hiyaaah!"he vacuumed the critters up. As he did so, he felt very brave, a lot like Miss Alabama during her talent portion when she shooed away her state bird, the mosquito, with her stiletto heel.
   
     Now, Matt is feeling kinda sorry for what he did, and he is wondering if that was the ethical thing to do. He sat down and pondering, asked himself the question- Would Jesus have done that? Would Mother Theresa, Harry Potter, Gandhi or even Lady Gaga do something that cruel? Maybe they would have tirelessly collected every ant, setting them free outside into the bright sunshine of freedom. Seeing a single ant crawl along the coffee table, however, quickly changed his mind. Matt smacked the thing ruthlessly with the DVD case for 'Muppet Christmas Carol,' before getting up to go make dinner. The task had made him rather hungry after all.

     In the back of his mind though, Matt is wondering if karma will catch up to him. He hopes that in the next life a giant ant will not be allowed to chase HIM around with a vacuum cleaner...

Rona~Madonna!

Matt was so thrilled to be invited by his friends Stephen Bugby and Matt Bryce to a 'spinning' class on Saint Patty's Day (and no this is not a class where one spins in circles like a yadid yahoo. That would be clown school. This was a bike riding class). Matt felt cheerful as it was to be his first time in a spinning class; he was eager to see how it would be. As he sat chit chatting with his friends, the door suddenly flew open with a bang and in waltzed the loudest woman Matt has ever had the pleasure of meeting. "HELLLOOOO!!!!" their instructor hollered for the whole world to hear as she bounded up to her platform where her bike rested.

How can one even begin to describe her? Their instructor was like a mix between Fran Drescher and Joan Rivers. She even had the tight, plastic-surgery face just like Joan's. As she began fiddling with the speakers and sound system, a high pitch squeak rang out across the room causing everyone to wince. If Matt had been sleepy prior, he was very well awake now.

Once she had her music playing and her microphone on (why she felt the need for one was beyond Matt) she turned to the class. "WELCOME EVERYONE!! MY NAME IS RONA, UNLESS YOU HATE MY CLASS. IF YOU DO THEN I'M MADONNA!!" she giggled. Matt snorted and looked over at his friends and gave them a 'really?' kind of a look.

Wearing a green, very low cut blouse, sporting sparkly green nails and dangling 2 large, lit up blinking shamrocks from her ears, their teacher spoke up again. "SO OHHHH MY GOSH, DID YOU GUYS HEAR THE NEWS?!!" she shrieked into her microphone, giving Matt a fright.

"Tell us Rona" chirped her many admirers and regulars.

"WELL, RUSSEL BRAND WAS ARRESTED YESTERDAY!! she announced with a flourish. She then flipped the light switch and the room was plunged into total darkness. Matt felt a little worried until he saw the 2 glowing shamrocks attached to their leader's head. They looked like bobbing UFO's and he felt reassured.

After everyone gasped at the news, the instructor began class. As Matt began pedaling in response to Rona's demands, she continued. "TURNS OUT THE MAN THREW SOMEONE'S CELL PHONE OUT A GLASS WINDOW! PRETTY STUPID REALLY, CAUSE HE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE A VISA SO NOW HE'S IN ALL SORTS OF TROUBLE. I BET KATY PERRY WAS HAPPY THOUGH!!!"

She then nagged at them to up the resistance and "PUT YOUR BUTT TO THE SADDLE!" As the workout continued on, Matt found that he was soon sweating like a sinner in a church, but he hung in there. During the whole workout, his instructor happily gossiped away, talking about "THOSE STUPID KARDASHIANS" and "THAT LADY GAGA WHO THINKS SHE'S ON THE RIGHT TRACK, BUT HOW CAN SHE BE WHEN SHE ROLLS OUT ONTO THE STAGE IN AN EGG? HONESTLY, THE WOMAN..." She even attempted to lower her voice to a whisper (100 decibels in her book) to tell them about the sordid and scandalous romance between Madonna and a 24 year old. "I MEAN, HE ASKED HER TO MARRY HIM AND SHE'S CONSIDERING IT! She then became thoughtful for a moment before continuing on- TO BE HONEST THOUGH, IF I WAS IN HIS SHOES I WOULDA PULLED HER ASIDE ON THE FIRST DATE AND BEEN LIKE 'LISTEN, I'M A LOOKER AND YOU'RE RICH, SO WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT US GETTING MARRIED SOMETIME?' IT'S REALLY THE SMART THING TO DO!"

Matt nearly sharted his pants from laughing as she continued ranting on. When a song from Kelly Clarkson came on, their instructor literally screamed into the microphone- "OH! I JUST LOOOOVE KELLY CLARKSON!! SHE IS SOOO PASSIONATE AND SHE EVEN GETS A WRINKLE IN HER FOREHEAD WHEN SHE SINGS- 'WHAT DOESN'T KILL YOU MAKES YOU STROOOONGER!" she sang along very much off key. "AND WHEN I PLAY KELLY CLARKSON OR CARRIE UNDERWOOD IN MY CAR I CAN SING ALONG AND I SOUND JUST LIKE THEM!"

As the class neared the end, and as they climbed a last, long imaginary hill, Matt realized that he was halfway in love with this instructor. She was all personality- a terror and a doll all at once. Watching her pump away on her bike, earrings blinking neon causing risk for people prone to seizures, was like watching a fun and less scary version of 'Nightmare on Elm Street.'

When class was over Matt and his friends approached the vivacious woman. "We just loved your class, thank you!" they all said. Matt Bryce then asked if he could get a picture taken with her (proof to the non-believers that he is capable of participating in a workout class).

"OF COURSE!!" After Matt Bryce had his photo, Matt stepped in for one as well. As the woman draped her lanky arms around him, digging her claws into his shoulder, she leaned in close and Matt noticed the wig she was wearing. After the photo, Matt thanked her and told her she was adorable to which she kissed him smack on his sweaty cheek! Cougar...

The whole experience with Rona was a gift! Matt will definitely be going again...

Battle With a Brat

     Matt was having a rather harrowing day at work. He was alone on the sales floor all night, and it was packed with customers. One family, had a real terror of a son; a 3-foot-thing of destruction wearing cowboy boots. While the parents were looking at fridges, their son was off causing harm to anything within his path. 
     First was the jumping on the $4,000 bed in his dirty boots. Then was the running through the aisles of fridges and pushing every electronic button he could find. After that he kicked open every garbage compactor and then began racing his hotwheel car across the top of the washing machines (Matt just cringes to think of the scratches on the paint job). 
     What really made Matt lose it though, was when he found the boy literally hanging out of a high end top loader washing machine. He approached the snot nosed twit and snapped at the kid to get out. As the delinquent boy (obviously spoiled as his parent's did nothing) hopped out of the washer, he placed his hands on his hips and said to Matt in a sassy voice, "I'm 6 years old and I'm good at kicking people in the nuts." 
     Without skipping a beat Matt responded "Well I'm 26 years old and I'm good at locking kids inside washing machines and turning it on so they spin around like clothes." 
     The boy didn't know what to say, and turned and ran back to his parents. Matt was quite pleased with himself ;-)