Rona~Madonna!

Matt was so thrilled to be invited by his friends Stephen Bugby and Matt Bryce to a 'spinning' class on Saint Patty's Day (and no this is not a class where one spins in circles like a yadid yahoo. That would be clown school. This was a bike riding class). Matt felt cheerful as it was to be his first time in a spinning class; he was eager to see how it would be. As he sat chit chatting with his friends, the door suddenly flew open with a bang and in waltzed the loudest woman Matt has ever had the pleasure of meeting. "HELLLOOOO!!!!" their instructor hollered for the whole world to hear as she bounded up to her platform where her bike rested.

How can one even begin to describe her? Their instructor was like a mix between Fran Drescher and Joan Rivers. She even had the tight, plastic-surgery face just like Joan's. As she began fiddling with the speakers and sound system, a high pitch squeak rang out across the room causing everyone to wince. If Matt had been sleepy prior, he was very well awake now.

Once she had her music playing and her microphone on (why she felt the need for one was beyond Matt) she turned to the class. "WELCOME EVERYONE!! MY NAME IS RONA, UNLESS YOU HATE MY CLASS. IF YOU DO THEN I'M MADONNA!!" she giggled. Matt snorted and looked over at his friends and gave them a 'really?' kind of a look.

Wearing a green, very low cut blouse, sporting sparkly green nails and dangling 2 large, lit up blinking shamrocks from her ears, their teacher spoke up again. "SO OHHHH MY GOSH, DID YOU GUYS HEAR THE NEWS?!!" she shrieked into her microphone, giving Matt a fright.

"Tell us Rona" chirped her many admirers and regulars.

"WELL, RUSSEL BRAND WAS ARRESTED YESTERDAY!! she announced with a flourish. She then flipped the light switch and the room was plunged into total darkness. Matt felt a little worried until he saw the 2 glowing shamrocks attached to their leader's head. They looked like bobbing UFO's and he felt reassured.

After everyone gasped at the news, the instructor began class. As Matt began pedaling in response to Rona's demands, she continued. "TURNS OUT THE MAN THREW SOMEONE'S CELL PHONE OUT A GLASS WINDOW! PRETTY STUPID REALLY, CAUSE HE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE A VISA SO NOW HE'S IN ALL SORTS OF TROUBLE. I BET KATY PERRY WAS HAPPY THOUGH!!!"

She then nagged at them to up the resistance and "PUT YOUR BUTT TO THE SADDLE!" As the workout continued on, Matt found that he was soon sweating like a sinner in a church, but he hung in there. During the whole workout, his instructor happily gossiped away, talking about "THOSE STUPID KARDASHIANS" and "THAT LADY GAGA WHO THINKS SHE'S ON THE RIGHT TRACK, BUT HOW CAN SHE BE WHEN SHE ROLLS OUT ONTO THE STAGE IN AN EGG? HONESTLY, THE WOMAN..." She even attempted to lower her voice to a whisper (100 decibels in her book) to tell them about the sordid and scandalous romance between Madonna and a 24 year old. "I MEAN, HE ASKED HER TO MARRY HIM AND SHE'S CONSIDERING IT! She then became thoughtful for a moment before continuing on- TO BE HONEST THOUGH, IF I WAS IN HIS SHOES I WOULDA PULLED HER ASIDE ON THE FIRST DATE AND BEEN LIKE 'LISTEN, I'M A LOOKER AND YOU'RE RICH, SO WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT US GETTING MARRIED SOMETIME?' IT'S REALLY THE SMART THING TO DO!"

Matt nearly sharted his pants from laughing as she continued ranting on. When a song from Kelly Clarkson came on, their instructor literally screamed into the microphone- "OH! I JUST LOOOOVE KELLY CLARKSON!! SHE IS SOOO PASSIONATE AND SHE EVEN GETS A WRINKLE IN HER FOREHEAD WHEN SHE SINGS- 'WHAT DOESN'T KILL YOU MAKES YOU STROOOONGER!" she sang along very much off key. "AND WHEN I PLAY KELLY CLARKSON OR CARRIE UNDERWOOD IN MY CAR I CAN SING ALONG AND I SOUND JUST LIKE THEM!"

As the class neared the end, and as they climbed a last, long imaginary hill, Matt realized that he was halfway in love with this instructor. She was all personality- a terror and a doll all at once. Watching her pump away on her bike, earrings blinking neon causing risk for people prone to seizures, was like watching a fun and less scary version of 'Nightmare on Elm Street.'

When class was over Matt and his friends approached the vivacious woman. "We just loved your class, thank you!" they all said. Matt Bryce then asked if he could get a picture taken with her (proof to the non-believers that he is capable of participating in a workout class).

"OF COURSE!!" After Matt Bryce had his photo, Matt stepped in for one as well. As the woman draped her lanky arms around him, digging her claws into his shoulder, she leaned in close and Matt noticed the wig she was wearing. After the photo, Matt thanked her and told her she was adorable to which she kissed him smack on his sweaty cheek! Cougar...

The whole experience with Rona was a gift! Matt will definitely be going again...