Eavesdropping 1010

Matt simply loves to eavesdrop on juicy conversations. There's something thrilling about it. When he was a young lad he would often pretend he was 'Harriet The Spy' and he used to press up against closed doors, notebook in hand, as he listened to gossip on the other side. It made him feel important. Of course he never solved any crimes or unraveled any mysteries, but it was fun all the same. Matt still feels the same way today whenever he eavesdrops. Yesterday he had a simply hellacious opportunity as he sat waiting for his car in Discount Tire.

Two men were having a lively chat and it was apparent that they had just met. The first man, a black guy from St Thomas who was wearing penny loafers and an argyle sweater, who considers skiing to be his greatest hobby, and who also has a prissy wife who gets her nails done regularly and refuses to help with the yard work, was doing the majority of the talking. He was speaking rather animatedly to a man from Park city who was wearing flannel, sported a gnarly mustache and whose wife currently sleeps in a separate bedroom. As they chit-chatted Matt pretended to play Angry Birds on his phone while he listened in.

Said the penny loafer man- "My neighbor is so stupid, they should invent a pill for her or give her a vaccination. Take that back, she needs a friggin 'stupid IV!'" Mustache man chortled as penny loafer continued. "I mean she actually called the cops on us the other day cause my wife's chihuahua was barking and it 'frightened her.' The broad was scared Missy Elliot would bite her."

"No, you're kidding me!" responded mustache man as he took a bite out of his Wendy's junior bacon cheeseburger.

"Oh trust me, the cop came over and when he heard her complaint and saw our dog, he actually swore at her for wasting his time."

"As he should," replied mustache man with vigor.

Penny Loafer then lowered his voice a little. "I tell you what though, you know who's really stupid? My sister..."

At this point Matt turned his good ear towards them (he has more acute hearing on his right side).

"Why is she stupid?" asked mustache man with baited curiosity.

Penny Loafer looked around quick to make sure no-one was looking. Matt kept his eyes glued to his phone. "Well she named her son Scotty Scott..."

"No!" Mustache Man had the decency to gasp.

"It's true! Poor kid has no idea that his momma was actually stoned when she named him..."

At this point Matt couldn't help it. He snorted and as the two gentleman looked his way he gave a fake cough. As they continued talking he was literally in stitches, shaking in his uncomfortable plastic chair. A moment later Jim the mechanic (who told the guy at the front desk earlier that he had a weird rash on his chest, most likely hives from the tuna fish sandwich he had eaten earlier) called his name to return his keys.

As Matt walked out of the shop he smiled to himself. He now had dastardly good writing material. Harriet had made a comeback...  ;-)