Lindsay Lohan and Dead Cats

Matt just finished the last class of his college career. He graduates next week, and he has to say, the last class was definitely, um... entertaining thanks to his classmate Monica.

Monica sat at the computer next to Matt all semester in their Visual Editing class. Today they both arrived a little early. She collapsed like a cadaver into her chair next to Matt, and he noticed she looked a little pale. "Are you okay?" he asked.

"No, I just got back from Coachella concert tour, and I'm really sick, and super exhausted!" she exclaimed. "Like, I'm a professional partier Matt and I can usually bounce back the next day and head to work, no problems, but this is ridiculous."

"What's going on?" he asked sympathetically.

"I have this cough (she suddenly went into a spasm of coughs to prove her point). She finally spoke up again, and he scooted his chair a little to the left, hoping she wasn't contagious. "It's like hacking up a cat hairball, and there's phlegm and-"

"-Okay I get it!" he interrupted as he put his hand out to stop her.

"And I'm just so overwhelmed right now, there's so much going on with Finals," she bemoaned.

"I understand completely," Matt said as he pulled his cell phone out. "I'm behind like 5 or 6 games with my friends, in Scramble, because I've been too busy to play," he said.

Monica looked at him incredulously. "Matt, I don't even have a kitchen table, I had no clean underwear to wear today and I think I'm dying. I'm pretty sure I have things more difficult right now!"

"Ironically, I didn't have any clean underwear this morning either," he agreed. "I had to wake up early and do laundry before school." Matt noticed that the guy sitting on the other side of him raised his eyebrows, but said nothing. Feeling self conscious Matt quit talking, but turned to his cell phone to play a game of Scramble.

As he played, Monica regaled him on her adventure. "So the tour was amazing! There was a giant slug there, look at it Matt" she exclaimed, and he paused his game to look at the picture pulled up on her computer. "I actually had a nightmare about the giant slug last night. The slug was moving and it was so creepy," she said offhandedly. Matt continued on with his game. "And I saw Lindsay Lohan there."

"How was that?" he asked as he traced the word 'drugs' on his phone.

"Oh she's awful! She was sitting near us and she totally wanted to look like a good girl, so she didn't sneak anything in."

"Well that's good."

"Instead, her younger brother brought her drugs in," Monica said.

"Surprise, surprise," Matt muttered.

"Ya, she totally snorted cocaine off her wrist during the concert. Very classy, that girl. She wasn't the only one on drugs though," Monica replied.

"Oh?" asked Matt without looking up from his screen.

"Yeah, I was dancing and this random girl came up to me and said 'I like how you dance, what drugs did you take? Have any more?'" Matt started to laugh and Monica continued. "I told her 'honey, I don't do drugs,' but she was all 'You don't need to lie, everyone here is on drugs.' She didn't believe me, it was so annoying, so I offered her some of my moonshine and she walked away.'"

"Well you had quite the experience Monica," Matt said as he continued searching for words in his game.

"Yeah, but now I'm super sick and doped up on medications, so I actually am a druggy," Monica laughed. "I probably shouldn't talk when I'm on drugs either. And anyways, the doctor told me yesterday not to talk for at least two days."

"So why are you talking?" Matt asked.

"I'll stop now... You missed the word 'bra' by the way," she said as she traced out the letter's on Matt's phone screen.

Class started a moment later. Everyone was giving their final presentations today. Matt felt confident about presenting until their professor said to the poor girl who designed a logo for New Gate Insurance Company, "The 'N' and 'G' should stand for 'NO GOOD.'" Matt was surprised the girl didn't cry. When he realized his turn was coming up, he turned to Monica in nervousness.

"I'm next," he whispered to her.

"Your cats dead?" she exclaimed in horror.

Matt literally snorted and started to laugh silently. He couldn't stop and the look of genuine horror on Monica's face had him reeling. Finally, in-between shakes of laughter he whispered, "I don't have a cat, I said, 'I'm next.'"

At this point Monica shrieked with laughter, which turned into a loud cough, which turned into an even louder laugh, which had Matt laughing even louder as well.

Their professor immediately quit talking and looked over at them. "What is so funny you two?" he demanded.

Matt could hardly breathe, but he told the class what Monica had said. Everyone had a good case of the giggles. Apparently it's perfectly normal to mistake the phrase-'I'm next,' for 'my cat's dead.'

Matt would like to thank Monica for such a fun semester, and for ending his college career on a laugh.  :-)