Matt was just asked by Ellen (on The Ellen Show of course) what his least favorite food in the whole wide world was. "Licorice," he replied without skipping a beat.
The audience gasped and Ellen gave him google-weird eyes. "But Matt, licorice is candy," she said with a small laugh as she crossed her legs.
"Yeah, candy probably invented by a creepy clown," he replied with a hint of smugness that made the audience chuckle. "Also, if you read my book, in chapter eight I mention that I don't like sushi either, but that's just because I snorted a chunk of wasabi up my nose one time on a dare, and I became physically ill afterwards. I don't want to spoil the details on that one though. You'll have to buy my book to get the whole, juicy story (at this, Ellen held up Matt's autobiography and the audience clapped with wild enthusiasm). After the applause, Matt spoke up again. "I also just hate those awful marshmallow peeps you get in your Easter basket, and I promise every year I get plenty and my mom is always really eager to hoard my collection of peeps. But mostly I dislike licorice." Matt was on a roll, and Ellen was just loving it.
"So where did your hatred of licorice begin?" asked Ellen, and as Matt stared into the cameras, he thought back on it.
The first time he ever tried licorice, he was a wee little thing, maybe four or five years old. He had been playing with his childhood friend, Tucker, and his friend's mother peer pressured him into eating a strand of chocolate-flavored licorice. From the moment it touched Matt's hands, something felt very wrong about it all. It was like holding a limp rope, with no promise of real chocolate, and as he nibbled the end in reluctance, he felt absolute disgust as the taste swam around his mouth. He actually felt bile coming up and spit it out. Tucker's mother was not happy. "Matt, that is not very polite. You need to finish eating it," she said in a bullying manner as she patted her voluminous hair that birds probably nested in.
Feeling spiteful, Matt spoke up. "I need to tinkle. Where's the potty?" Once locked inside the bathroom, he threw the licorice in the garbage can and spit the rest out in the toilet. He then wadded up a few sheets of toilet paper and threw them over the rest of the licorice, to cover his tracks. What a clever little boy he was!
However pleased he was with himself though, licorice would continue to follow him throughout his life.
For instance, there were the annual run-ins with licorice on the family vacations. Every year, Matt's family would go on a vacation for spring break to St George and they would stay in the Holiday Inn Resort. And each year his dad would bring along a bag of Red Vines for the six hour car ride.
"Dad, close the bag!" Matt would whine each time as his dad would whip the plastic bag open and pull wads of licorice out with relish as if they were folds of cash. "I'm gonna hurl!" His parents never took these threats lightly. Matt does tend to get nauseous pretty easily, and more than once whilst on a road trip, the purple mini-van would be splattered in his barf.
It was perhaps on his 7th birthday, that he had his most disappointing encounter with licorice.
Matt loved to color. In fact, he would tell anyone who would listen that he was the best colorer in Mrs. Cullimore's class in Wellsville Elementary. So it was with excitement that he tore through the wrapping paper to find a box of scented crayons and a Disney coloring book. "Wow!" he exclaimed as he pulled out a few crayons to admire. There was red strawberry, green Christmas tree and even a brown chocolate-chip-cookie crayon that smelled luscious!
Later on that evening, as Matt sat coloring in his book, he felt so happy; so complete. He was humming to himself as he absentmindedly pulled the black crayon out of his box. Turning the crayon over in his hand, he read the label. Licorice. It was a black licorice crayon!
He was so put off by this, that he dropped the crayon on the spot and stared at it in horror. After a few minutes of angst, he thought to himself that surely it had been a mistake. What lunatic would invent a licorice scented crayon after all? Deciding to experiment, he picked up the crayon and slowly colored in a tea kettle in the seven dwarves house. The instant the feral smell of licorice hit his nose, Matt started to cry. As he wailed and sobbed hysterically, he tried to snap the crayon in half. That proved to be a bit more difficult than he thought, but eventually he broke in half, and with snot dribbling down his face he threw the crayon away.
Minutes later as he colored in Snow White's hair blue-raspberry blue, he felt cheated and just a little bit upset. "Hmmmpf!" he exclaimed as he finished off her hair in righteous anger.
Licorice was officially his least favorite food.
The audience was pealing with gales of laughter as Matt finished regaling them with his childhood licorice woes. Ellen herself was so tickled, that she told everyone right there that Matt was her new bff. She then gave him a check for $12,000 and an all expense paid trip to Australia, so he could go back to visit his friends in Sydney. She also gave everyone in the audience a copy of Matt's New York Times bestselling autobiography. Because it really was that good of a book, you know.
At least Matt tells himself will be the case if he actually one day does publish a book. And if he does, he sincerely hopes that it will be a New York Times bestseller just so he can be on the Ellen show. When this happens, he hopes that Ellen will ask him what his least favorite food is.
The answer will be licorice! ;-)
Thursday, July 31, 2014
Sunday, September 15, 2013
Spanglish Doesn't Equal Spanish
Matt speaks Spanglish. Unfortunately, it's not quite the same as Spanish...
Yesterday at work, he tried to help a Spanish speaking couple apply for a Sears credit card. He felt like he was doing an alright job at communicating with them. There had only been a few hiccups along the way, and he was beginning to think that his new name should be 'Mateo.' That is, until he approached the last question on the application process.
Not sure how to say it in Spanish, Matt did his best to inform the couple that they needed to type in the key pad, an estimation of how much money they earn annually.
The wife simply looked at Matt in puzzlement. "Yo no se?" she said, as she looked at her husband in bewilderment.
Feeling that it was a fairly straight-forward question, Matt repeated the request. Again, the couple looked confused, and the husband looked at Matt like he was nuts. Feeling exasperated, Matt again asked them to type how much money they make annually. He emphasized the words 'dinero' and 'todo año,' feeling a bit like a raving monkey.
The couple looked at each other once more, and the wife shook her head. Sighing, Matt smiled politely. 'Un momento por favor,' he said as he scampered off to find someone to translate.
Upon finding his co-worker, Jesus, returning from lunch, Matt waved him over. "Thank goodness Jesus! I'm in a blunder and I need you to translate for me."
"Well I need to get back to Electonics, there are some customers waiting for-"
"That can wait," Matt said as he cut Jesus off. He then grabbed Jesus by the arm and led him to the couple. "OK, so I just need you to tell them that they need to type in an estimate of how much money they make a year, so that I can finish running them for credit."
Jesus shook Matt off his arm and greeted the couple. He began to speak with them in Spanish, and a moment later, the couple busted up laughing, Jesus joining them.
"What is so funny?" Matt crooned, feeling left out. "I like a good laugh too you know."
Trying to keep a straight face, Jesus turned to him. "So um, apparently you told them to write down how much money they spend on food every year. They were really confused and didn't know why you would need to know something like that..."
Feeling sheepish, Matt turned to the couple . "Ay ya ya! Que un blunder! lo siento! Yo soy un dumb-bat sometimes."
Everyone had a good case of the giggles, and Matt was relieved when the whole process was over and done with.
And this is why Spanglish doesn't equal Spanish.
Yesterday at work, he tried to help a Spanish speaking couple apply for a Sears credit card. He felt like he was doing an alright job at communicating with them. There had only been a few hiccups along the way, and he was beginning to think that his new name should be 'Mateo.' That is, until he approached the last question on the application process.
Not sure how to say it in Spanish, Matt did his best to inform the couple that they needed to type in the key pad, an estimation of how much money they earn annually.
The wife simply looked at Matt in puzzlement. "Yo no se?" she said, as she looked at her husband in bewilderment.
Feeling that it was a fairly straight-forward question, Matt repeated the request. Again, the couple looked confused, and the husband looked at Matt like he was nuts. Feeling exasperated, Matt again asked them to type how much money they make annually. He emphasized the words 'dinero' and 'todo año,' feeling a bit like a raving monkey.
The couple looked at each other once more, and the wife shook her head. Sighing, Matt smiled politely. 'Un momento por favor,' he said as he scampered off to find someone to translate.
Upon finding his co-worker, Jesus, returning from lunch, Matt waved him over. "Thank goodness Jesus! I'm in a blunder and I need you to translate for me."
"Well I need to get back to Electonics, there are some customers waiting for-"
"That can wait," Matt said as he cut Jesus off. He then grabbed Jesus by the arm and led him to the couple. "OK, so I just need you to tell them that they need to type in an estimate of how much money they make a year, so that I can finish running them for credit."
Jesus shook Matt off his arm and greeted the couple. He began to speak with them in Spanish, and a moment later, the couple busted up laughing, Jesus joining them.
"What is so funny?" Matt crooned, feeling left out. "I like a good laugh too you know."
Trying to keep a straight face, Jesus turned to him. "So um, apparently you told them to write down how much money they spend on food every year. They were really confused and didn't know why you would need to know something like that..."
Feeling sheepish, Matt turned to the couple . "Ay ya ya! Que un blunder! lo siento! Yo soy un dumb-bat sometimes."
Everyone had a good case of the giggles, and Matt was relieved when the whole process was over and done with.
And this is why Spanglish doesn't equal Spanish.
Sunday, September 8, 2013
A Cooking Debacle
Matt doesn't cook. Period. Truth be told, even though he is not a woman, he can easily relate to Susan from the TV show, Desperate Housewives. Susan is the adorable, klutzy one who is extremely accident prone and whose cooking is an insult to humanity. Matt is the same.
Whenever he is invited to a dinner party or a picnic, he always opts to bring drinks or chips, and the few times he does attempt to dabble in cooking world, there is usually disaster. There was the time a year ago when he started a grease fire while making pancakes. He was simply pouring more olive oil into the pan when he missed and poured it directly onto the burner instead. His screams could be heard all the way to Mt. Rushmore as the flames engulfed the entire frying pan. Luckily his house didn't burn down with that one.
And when it comes to making eggs, Matt struggles. He still hasn't figured out how to crack an egg without busting egg shell everywhere, and he can only handle scrambled eggs. Fried eggs are too difficult and he doesn't quite have the skills necessary to flip one without it falling apart. Maybe one day he will gain that talent. He does have to say though, that he is proud of the fact that he no longer burns his scrambled eggs. It took him 5 months of practice to accomplish that feat.
Recently, Matt decided to try grilling tilapia. He likes to eat fish and the instructions on the package of frozen fish seemed do-able enough. The other evening he decided to give it a whirl.
At first, things seemed to be going smoothly. He thawed the fish in cold water, and poured some extra-virgin-olive oil in a pan, making sure NOT to spill any on the burners.
As soon as the tilapia started to grill, however, he realized he had poured a little too much oil into the pan. There was loud spluttering noises and oil was splashing outward. Fearing for his life, he grabbed a spatula, and lifting the frying pan, walked over to the kitchen sink. Placing the spatula over the two fillets, he attempted to pour some of the excess oil into a bowl. Ya, that didn't work so well...
As soon as some of the oil started to trickle out, Matt lost his grip with the spatula and one of the fillets slipped out. "No, no no no no!!!" he yelled as he watched the fillet slide sideways out of the pan and land gracefully in the sink.
Without thinking, he dropped the spatula and reached down to grab the filet, effectively burning his fingers on the hot fish, which then escaped down the drain into the garbage disposal. As he slammed the frying pan back down on the burners, muttering obscenities about fish and how stupid cooking is, he caught a glimpse of his room-mate shaking silently with laughter in the living room.
"What's so funny Caesar?" Matt snapped, brandishing the spatula towards his roomie like a dagger.
"Nothing, nothing. I'm just watching you try to cook, that's all," said Caesar as he snorted with laughter.
Matt glared at him. "You better shut it Caesar, or I'll turn you into a salad." With that, he attempted to grill the remaining fillet which he ended up burning.
And this is why Matt does not cook...
Whenever he is invited to a dinner party or a picnic, he always opts to bring drinks or chips, and the few times he does attempt to dabble in cooking world, there is usually disaster. There was the time a year ago when he started a grease fire while making pancakes. He was simply pouring more olive oil into the pan when he missed and poured it directly onto the burner instead. His screams could be heard all the way to Mt. Rushmore as the flames engulfed the entire frying pan. Luckily his house didn't burn down with that one.
And when it comes to making eggs, Matt struggles. He still hasn't figured out how to crack an egg without busting egg shell everywhere, and he can only handle scrambled eggs. Fried eggs are too difficult and he doesn't quite have the skills necessary to flip one without it falling apart. Maybe one day he will gain that talent. He does have to say though, that he is proud of the fact that he no longer burns his scrambled eggs. It took him 5 months of practice to accomplish that feat.
Recently, Matt decided to try grilling tilapia. He likes to eat fish and the instructions on the package of frozen fish seemed do-able enough. The other evening he decided to give it a whirl.
At first, things seemed to be going smoothly. He thawed the fish in cold water, and poured some extra-virgin-olive oil in a pan, making sure NOT to spill any on the burners.
As soon as the tilapia started to grill, however, he realized he had poured a little too much oil into the pan. There was loud spluttering noises and oil was splashing outward. Fearing for his life, he grabbed a spatula, and lifting the frying pan, walked over to the kitchen sink. Placing the spatula over the two fillets, he attempted to pour some of the excess oil into a bowl. Ya, that didn't work so well...
As soon as some of the oil started to trickle out, Matt lost his grip with the spatula and one of the fillets slipped out. "No, no no no no!!!" he yelled as he watched the fillet slide sideways out of the pan and land gracefully in the sink.
Without thinking, he dropped the spatula and reached down to grab the filet, effectively burning his fingers on the hot fish, which then escaped down the drain into the garbage disposal. As he slammed the frying pan back down on the burners, muttering obscenities about fish and how stupid cooking is, he caught a glimpse of his room-mate shaking silently with laughter in the living room.
"What's so funny Caesar?" Matt snapped, brandishing the spatula towards his roomie like a dagger.
"Nothing, nothing. I'm just watching you try to cook, that's all," said Caesar as he snorted with laughter.
Matt glared at him. "You better shut it Caesar, or I'll turn you into a salad." With that, he attempted to grill the remaining fillet which he ended up burning.
And this is why Matt does not cook...
Monday, July 15, 2013
For the Love of Birds
For as long as he can remember, Matt has had a serious phobia of birds. He isn't sure how this all happened, only that it has always been this way. He can, however, remember certain instances of bird-terror in his life.
The earliest bird encounter Matt can remember, is at the tender age of 6. His family had gone to Disneyland for a vacation, and at one point they were eating at an outdoor cafe. Pigeons littered the ground like garbage, and Matt can remember sitting in his mom's lap out of fright, and making her scare them away.
Next was the time as an 8-year-old when he ran out of the living room screaming hysterically, when a robin bird had flown in through the open window and circled over his head as he played with his toys.
And then at the age of 12, Matt watched the Alfred Hitchcock movie, Birds. That was a mistake. He literally cried over that one.
Once, when he was 15, he was asked to babysit the neighbor girls. When he arrived at their home, it was to find 2 chickens plucking away on the front porch. Terrified for his life, he had yelled until the girls came outside. He then made them shoo the chickens away before going inside their house.
When he was 23 he was shopping at a Walmart when a bird randomly flew into the building. It swooped low over the produce section as he was selecting strawberries. He never shops at Walmart anymore.
And to this day he is constantly harassed by the insidious albino pigeon who dwells at the Sear's parking lot, and likes to poop on his car.
This morning, Matt made a list of various birds, rating them on a scale from 1-10, as to how terrifying they are. 1 being not at all scary, and 10 meaning that they cause a fear leading to full-fledged panic for him.
At the bottom of the scale were ducks, at a fairly safe 3. He can handle ducks as long as they stay a foot or so away. In fact, they can be kinda cute. Next was the pretty yellow bird at a 4 that sat in his tree the other day that he admired from a distance.
On the opposite end of the scale at a 9 were crows and magpies. They cause him to twitch in nervousness.
At a 10 were the velociraptors from Jurassic park (he has a reoccuring nightmare involving these), chickens, turkeys, the freakish pink bird he once saw at the zoo and pigeons. These all make him want to flee.
And topping it off at a whopping 10.5... hummingbirds. Yup, those fierce little suckers with swords for a beak that zip around way too fast cause Matt to cower indoors when they come around. They could stab his eyes out!
Matt wishes he could enjoy birds like any normal, sensible person, but he just can't. That's all there is to it... ;-)
The earliest bird encounter Matt can remember, is at the tender age of 6. His family had gone to Disneyland for a vacation, and at one point they were eating at an outdoor cafe. Pigeons littered the ground like garbage, and Matt can remember sitting in his mom's lap out of fright, and making her scare them away.
Next was the time as an 8-year-old when he ran out of the living room screaming hysterically, when a robin bird had flown in through the open window and circled over his head as he played with his toys.
And then at the age of 12, Matt watched the Alfred Hitchcock movie, Birds. That was a mistake. He literally cried over that one.
Once, when he was 15, he was asked to babysit the neighbor girls. When he arrived at their home, it was to find 2 chickens plucking away on the front porch. Terrified for his life, he had yelled until the girls came outside. He then made them shoo the chickens away before going inside their house.
When he was 23 he was shopping at a Walmart when a bird randomly flew into the building. It swooped low over the produce section as he was selecting strawberries. He never shops at Walmart anymore.
And to this day he is constantly harassed by the insidious albino pigeon who dwells at the Sear's parking lot, and likes to poop on his car.
This morning, Matt made a list of various birds, rating them on a scale from 1-10, as to how terrifying they are. 1 being not at all scary, and 10 meaning that they cause a fear leading to full-fledged panic for him.
At the bottom of the scale were ducks, at a fairly safe 3. He can handle ducks as long as they stay a foot or so away. In fact, they can be kinda cute. Next was the pretty yellow bird at a 4 that sat in his tree the other day that he admired from a distance.
On the opposite end of the scale at a 9 were crows and magpies. They cause him to twitch in nervousness.
At a 10 were the velociraptors from Jurassic park (he has a reoccuring nightmare involving these), chickens, turkeys, the freakish pink bird he once saw at the zoo and pigeons. These all make him want to flee.
And topping it off at a whopping 10.5... hummingbirds. Yup, those fierce little suckers with swords for a beak that zip around way too fast cause Matt to cower indoors when they come around. They could stab his eyes out!
Matt wishes he could enjoy birds like any normal, sensible person, but he just can't. That's all there is to it... ;-)
Monday, May 13, 2013
Practically Famous Now
Matt had a celebrity day at Sears the other day.
He was dusting the smooth-top electric ranges when it happened. A blonde haired young woman and her mother descended the escalator with an air of elegance and pearls and headed straight for the appliance section. Matt set the feather duster down to greet the two women, but his coworker Maribel beat him to the new-comers.
Frowning, he continued dusting as he watched the two women work their way through the refrigerator section with his coworker. They seemed so familiar, but he wasn't quite sure why...
The new customers soon disappeared around a corner and out of site. Stumped and befuddled and wondering who the mysterious two were, Matt decided to get a closer look.
He gathered a fistful of paper towels in his hand and approached the computer station where his coworker, Maribel and the two ladies were seated, looking for appliances online.
"Yes, I'd like the stainless steel please," said the younger woman. Matt had never heard the words 'stainless steel' sound so sophisticated and the words danced in the air as if they carried some sort of magical substance. He came up to the group.
"Excuse me, hey, Maribel, have you seen the Windex " he asked, brandishing the paper towels. "I can't find it anywhere" (it was currently resting under the counter in the Electronics department).
"Nope," responded Maribel simply.
He then smiled to the two ladies. "So sorry to interrupt."
"Oh you're fine!" said the younger, blonde woman. Matt noticed that her hair was done up in a fancy bun and she wore a light-blue silk scarf and a sleek pant-suit. She was absolutely stunning and the other woman, who had to be her mother, was dressed in a similar manner and also very beautiful. These two practically screamed out 'HIGH CLASS!!'
Matt returned to his cleaning, and a moment later an elderly woman with hair in a pony-tail and carrying a crocodile-green purse approached him. "Hi deary, I need a new fridge and a vacuum cleaner please."
As Matt assisted the lady, he occasionally glanced over to the other two, trying to figure out why they seemed so familiar to him. He helped the older lady pick out a new fridge and as they were looking at vacuum cleaners, it suddenly came to him. He gasped and turned to the lady he was helping.
"Oh my Heavens to Betsy, that's Elizabeth Smart and her mom!" he whispered excitedly to the woman, as he pointed with his head.
"I know dear, isn't she beautiful?" said the elderly woman and her pony tail bobbed up and down in agreement. "I recognized her immediately of course. She is a correspondent for ABC now."
"How crazy! Oh I almost want to say hi now that I know," said Matt with a wistful tone in his voice.
"Let's not say anything dear, I'm sure she is sick of all the attention. I know my daughter, for instance, HATES the paparazzi," said the elderly woman with pursed lips.
He looked back at the little old lady. "Wait, what? Who's your daughter?"
"Oh I'm sorry," the lady chuckled and put her hand to her chest. "I'm Helen Barr, Roseanne Barr's mother..."
Matt's jaw dropped open and he stared. Complete silence. Finally- "You're Roseanne Barr's mother?! Like THE ROSEANNE from the TV show?"
"Yes, that's the one," said the elderly woman with a little laugh.
"Holy buckets!" Matt started blubbering like an idiot at this point. "You're daughter is so funny! My mom used to watch her show all growing up. I knew she was from Salt Lake, but I never thought I'd meet her mother! What's she like?"
Helen had the decency to not be annoyed, but took it all graciously. "Oh she's a hoot. She keeps me laughing of course. She's just like her father, that one."
Matt carried Helen's vacuum up to the cash register to ring her up for the purchase. "So what is she up to these days?" he asked. Secretly, he wanted to ask Helen what she thought about the fact that her daughter had run for President, but thought better of it.
"She is in Vegas doing shows right now." Helen then coughed. "Oh excuse me, I'm recovering from being sick. I've been lying on my couch all week eating chocolate to feel better."
Matt laughed. "Hey, that's what they do in Harry Potter whenever anyone goes to the Hospital, and it always works."
"Roseann told me if I kept it up though, that I would get 'fluffy,' said Helen with an impish grin.
As Matt finished the transaction Helen asked him for his business card. "You were such a delight to work with, I'll have my manager call you soon for some washers and dryers," she promised. "What's your manager's name? I want to call and tell them how great the service was here." He thanked her and she waved before saying goodbye.
What a day! Sears Salt Lake is practically famous now!
He was dusting the smooth-top electric ranges when it happened. A blonde haired young woman and her mother descended the escalator with an air of elegance and pearls and headed straight for the appliance section. Matt set the feather duster down to greet the two women, but his coworker Maribel beat him to the new-comers.
Frowning, he continued dusting as he watched the two women work their way through the refrigerator section with his coworker. They seemed so familiar, but he wasn't quite sure why...
The new customers soon disappeared around a corner and out of site. Stumped and befuddled and wondering who the mysterious two were, Matt decided to get a closer look.
He gathered a fistful of paper towels in his hand and approached the computer station where his coworker, Maribel and the two ladies were seated, looking for appliances online.
"Yes, I'd like the stainless steel please," said the younger woman. Matt had never heard the words 'stainless steel' sound so sophisticated and the words danced in the air as if they carried some sort of magical substance. He came up to the group.
"Excuse me, hey, Maribel, have you seen the Windex " he asked, brandishing the paper towels. "I can't find it anywhere" (it was currently resting under the counter in the Electronics department).
"Nope," responded Maribel simply.
He then smiled to the two ladies. "So sorry to interrupt."
"Oh you're fine!" said the younger, blonde woman. Matt noticed that her hair was done up in a fancy bun and she wore a light-blue silk scarf and a sleek pant-suit. She was absolutely stunning and the other woman, who had to be her mother, was dressed in a similar manner and also very beautiful. These two practically screamed out 'HIGH CLASS!!'
Matt returned to his cleaning, and a moment later an elderly woman with hair in a pony-tail and carrying a crocodile-green purse approached him. "Hi deary, I need a new fridge and a vacuum cleaner please."
As Matt assisted the lady, he occasionally glanced over to the other two, trying to figure out why they seemed so familiar to him. He helped the older lady pick out a new fridge and as they were looking at vacuum cleaners, it suddenly came to him. He gasped and turned to the lady he was helping.
"Oh my Heavens to Betsy, that's Elizabeth Smart and her mom!" he whispered excitedly to the woman, as he pointed with his head.
"I know dear, isn't she beautiful?" said the elderly woman and her pony tail bobbed up and down in agreement. "I recognized her immediately of course. She is a correspondent for ABC now."
"How crazy! Oh I almost want to say hi now that I know," said Matt with a wistful tone in his voice.
"Let's not say anything dear, I'm sure she is sick of all the attention. I know my daughter, for instance, HATES the paparazzi," said the elderly woman with pursed lips.
He looked back at the little old lady. "Wait, what? Who's your daughter?"
"Oh I'm sorry," the lady chuckled and put her hand to her chest. "I'm Helen Barr, Roseanne Barr's mother..."
Matt's jaw dropped open and he stared. Complete silence. Finally- "You're Roseanne Barr's mother?! Like THE ROSEANNE from the TV show?"
"Yes, that's the one," said the elderly woman with a little laugh.
"Holy buckets!" Matt started blubbering like an idiot at this point. "You're daughter is so funny! My mom used to watch her show all growing up. I knew she was from Salt Lake, but I never thought I'd meet her mother! What's she like?"
Helen had the decency to not be annoyed, but took it all graciously. "Oh she's a hoot. She keeps me laughing of course. She's just like her father, that one."
Matt carried Helen's vacuum up to the cash register to ring her up for the purchase. "So what is she up to these days?" he asked. Secretly, he wanted to ask Helen what she thought about the fact that her daughter had run for President, but thought better of it.
"She is in Vegas doing shows right now." Helen then coughed. "Oh excuse me, I'm recovering from being sick. I've been lying on my couch all week eating chocolate to feel better."
Matt laughed. "Hey, that's what they do in Harry Potter whenever anyone goes to the Hospital, and it always works."
"Roseann told me if I kept it up though, that I would get 'fluffy,' said Helen with an impish grin.
As Matt finished the transaction Helen asked him for his business card. "You were such a delight to work with, I'll have my manager call you soon for some washers and dryers," she promised. "What's your manager's name? I want to call and tell them how great the service was here." He thanked her and she waved before saying goodbye.
What a day! Sears Salt Lake is practically famous now!
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Lindsay Lohan and Dead Cats
Matt just finished the last class of his college career. He graduates next week, and he has to say, the last class was definitely, um... entertaining thanks to his classmate Monica.
Monica sat at the computer next to Matt all semester in their Visual Editing class. Today they both arrived a little early. She collapsed like a cadaver into her chair next to Matt, and he noticed she looked a little pale. "Are you okay?" he asked.
"No, I just got back from Coachella concert tour, and I'm really sick, and super exhausted!" she exclaimed. "Like, I'm a professional partier Matt and I can usually bounce back the next day and head to work, no problems, but this is ridiculous."
"What's going on?" he asked sympathetically.
"I have this cough (she suddenly went into a spasm of coughs to prove her point). She finally spoke up again, and he scooted his chair a little to the left, hoping she wasn't contagious. "It's like hacking up a cat hairball, and there's phlegm and-"
"-Okay I get it!" he interrupted as he put his hand out to stop her.
"And I'm just so overwhelmed right now, there's so much going on with Finals," she bemoaned.
"I understand completely," Matt said as he pulled his cell phone out. "I'm behind like 5 or 6 games with my friends, in Scramble, because I've been too busy to play," he said.
Monica looked at him incredulously. "Matt, I don't even have a kitchen table, I had no clean underwear to wear today and I think I'm dying. I'm pretty sure I have things more difficult right now!"
"Ironically, I didn't have any clean underwear this morning either," he agreed. "I had to wake up early and do laundry before school." Matt noticed that the guy sitting on the other side of him raised his eyebrows, but said nothing. Feeling self conscious Matt quit talking, but turned to his cell phone to play a game of Scramble.
As he played, Monica regaled him on her adventure. "So the tour was amazing! There was a giant slug there, look at it Matt" she exclaimed, and he paused his game to look at the picture pulled up on her computer. "I actually had a nightmare about the giant slug last night. The slug was moving and it was so creepy," she said offhandedly. Matt continued on with his game. "And I saw Lindsay Lohan there."
"How was that?" he asked as he traced the word 'drugs' on his phone.
"Oh she's awful! She was sitting near us and she totally wanted to look like a good girl, so she didn't sneak anything in."
"Well that's good."
"Instead, her younger brother brought her drugs in," Monica said.
"Surprise, surprise," Matt muttered.
"Ya, she totally snorted cocaine off her wrist during the concert. Very classy, that girl. She wasn't the only one on drugs though," Monica replied.
"Oh?" asked Matt without looking up from his screen.
"Yeah, I was dancing and this random girl came up to me and said 'I like how you dance, what drugs did you take? Have any more?'" Matt started to laugh and Monica continued. "I told her 'honey, I don't do drugs,' but she was all 'You don't need to lie, everyone here is on drugs.' She didn't believe me, it was so annoying, so I offered her some of my moonshine and she walked away.'"
"Well you had quite the experience Monica," Matt said as he continued searching for words in his game.
"Yeah, but now I'm super sick and doped up on medications, so I actually am a druggy," Monica laughed. "I probably shouldn't talk when I'm on drugs either. And anyways, the doctor told me yesterday not to talk for at least two days."
"So why are you talking?" Matt asked.
"I'll stop now... You missed the word 'bra' by the way," she said as she traced out the letter's on Matt's phone screen.
Class started a moment later. Everyone was giving their final presentations today. Matt felt confident about presenting until their professor said to the poor girl who designed a logo for New Gate Insurance Company, "The 'N' and 'G' should stand for 'NO GOOD.'" Matt was surprised the girl didn't cry. When he realized his turn was coming up, he turned to Monica in nervousness.
"I'm next," he whispered to her.
"Your cats dead?" she exclaimed in horror.
Matt literally snorted and started to laugh silently. He couldn't stop and the look of genuine horror on Monica's face had him reeling. Finally, in-between shakes of laughter he whispered, "I don't have a cat, I said, 'I'm next.'"
At this point Monica shrieked with laughter, which turned into a loud cough, which turned into an even louder laugh, which had Matt laughing even louder as well.
Their professor immediately quit talking and looked over at them. "What is so funny you two?" he demanded.
Matt could hardly breathe, but he told the class what Monica had said. Everyone had a good case of the giggles. Apparently it's perfectly normal to mistake the phrase-'I'm next,' for 'my cat's dead.'
Matt would like to thank Monica for such a fun semester, and for ending his college career on a laugh. :-)
Monica sat at the computer next to Matt all semester in their Visual Editing class. Today they both arrived a little early. She collapsed like a cadaver into her chair next to Matt, and he noticed she looked a little pale. "Are you okay?" he asked.
"No, I just got back from Coachella concert tour, and I'm really sick, and super exhausted!" she exclaimed. "Like, I'm a professional partier Matt and I can usually bounce back the next day and head to work, no problems, but this is ridiculous."
"What's going on?" he asked sympathetically.
"I have this cough (she suddenly went into a spasm of coughs to prove her point). She finally spoke up again, and he scooted his chair a little to the left, hoping she wasn't contagious. "It's like hacking up a cat hairball, and there's phlegm and-"
"-Okay I get it!" he interrupted as he put his hand out to stop her.
"And I'm just so overwhelmed right now, there's so much going on with Finals," she bemoaned.
"I understand completely," Matt said as he pulled his cell phone out. "I'm behind like 5 or 6 games with my friends, in Scramble, because I've been too busy to play," he said.
Monica looked at him incredulously. "Matt, I don't even have a kitchen table, I had no clean underwear to wear today and I think I'm dying. I'm pretty sure I have things more difficult right now!"
"Ironically, I didn't have any clean underwear this morning either," he agreed. "I had to wake up early and do laundry before school." Matt noticed that the guy sitting on the other side of him raised his eyebrows, but said nothing. Feeling self conscious Matt quit talking, but turned to his cell phone to play a game of Scramble.
As he played, Monica regaled him on her adventure. "So the tour was amazing! There was a giant slug there, look at it Matt" she exclaimed, and he paused his game to look at the picture pulled up on her computer. "I actually had a nightmare about the giant slug last night. The slug was moving and it was so creepy," she said offhandedly. Matt continued on with his game. "And I saw Lindsay Lohan there."
"How was that?" he asked as he traced the word 'drugs' on his phone.
"Oh she's awful! She was sitting near us and she totally wanted to look like a good girl, so she didn't sneak anything in."
"Well that's good."
"Instead, her younger brother brought her drugs in," Monica said.
"Surprise, surprise," Matt muttered.
"Ya, she totally snorted cocaine off her wrist during the concert. Very classy, that girl. She wasn't the only one on drugs though," Monica replied.
"Oh?" asked Matt without looking up from his screen.
"Yeah, I was dancing and this random girl came up to me and said 'I like how you dance, what drugs did you take? Have any more?'" Matt started to laugh and Monica continued. "I told her 'honey, I don't do drugs,' but she was all 'You don't need to lie, everyone here is on drugs.' She didn't believe me, it was so annoying, so I offered her some of my moonshine and she walked away.'"
"Well you had quite the experience Monica," Matt said as he continued searching for words in his game.
"Yeah, but now I'm super sick and doped up on medications, so I actually am a druggy," Monica laughed. "I probably shouldn't talk when I'm on drugs either. And anyways, the doctor told me yesterday not to talk for at least two days."
"So why are you talking?" Matt asked.
"I'll stop now... You missed the word 'bra' by the way," she said as she traced out the letter's on Matt's phone screen.
Class started a moment later. Everyone was giving their final presentations today. Matt felt confident about presenting until their professor said to the poor girl who designed a logo for New Gate Insurance Company, "The 'N' and 'G' should stand for 'NO GOOD.'" Matt was surprised the girl didn't cry. When he realized his turn was coming up, he turned to Monica in nervousness.
"I'm next," he whispered to her.
"Your cats dead?" she exclaimed in horror.
Matt literally snorted and started to laugh silently. He couldn't stop and the look of genuine horror on Monica's face had him reeling. Finally, in-between shakes of laughter he whispered, "I don't have a cat, I said, 'I'm next.'"
At this point Monica shrieked with laughter, which turned into a loud cough, which turned into an even louder laugh, which had Matt laughing even louder as well.
Their professor immediately quit talking and looked over at them. "What is so funny you two?" he demanded.
Matt could hardly breathe, but he told the class what Monica had said. Everyone had a good case of the giggles. Apparently it's perfectly normal to mistake the phrase-'I'm next,' for 'my cat's dead.'
Matt would like to thank Monica for such a fun semester, and for ending his college career on a laugh. :-)
Sunday, April 14, 2013
Shamu or Shampoo?
Matt was at work chit-chatting with his coworkers when the topic of SeaWorld came up.
"Ya, I went to SeaWorld in San Diego when I was younger," Matt bragged. "I even saw Shamu the killer whale, and it was so cool! Except at the time I thought her name was 'Shampoo,' I couldn't seem to get that one right..." His coworker Evan snorted, but Matt continued on- "One day though, future generations will ask me what it was like to have seen the legendary Shamu." He smiled in a superior manner.
His coworker David gave him a quizzical look. "You do realize Matt, that Shamu died back in the 70's, right?"
Matt's hopes and dreams were shattered.
"What?! No way, that is not true. I saw Shamu with my very eyes, I even have a friggin photo and a keychain!" he exclaimed.
"Ya, well... they've been calling all the killer whales Shamu ever since the first one died." David bit his bottom lip. "Sorry Matt..."
Matt leaned against a Kenmore Elite washing machine for support. "You mean, all this time my precious Shampoo was nothing but a lie? This is deception in the worst of ways," he moaned. "I feel so cheated!"
David and Evan continued to talk while Matt considered what this meant to his life. He was definitely going to have to burn his photo of the 'fake Shamu' when he got home. He couldn't live with a lie. Feeling frustrated he finally spoke up again. "This is a sham. I bet the only reason poor Shamu died was because she was held captive in nothing more than a giant bathtub. Probably whales in the wild live longer because they are able to swim across the whole ocean like Free Willy."
"I dunno though," David piped up. "I'm sure that whales at SeaWorld have better health-care benefits than whales in the wild."
It was Matt's turn to laugh now. He and Evan were in stitches and Matt didn't think he was going to be able to breathe at the thought of killer whales having health-care benefits. He wonders if they have a copay or if their insurance foots the bill?
"I think they even have their teeth taken care of," David continued, "kind of like whale dentists."
Matt has to thank David for such a hysterical comment, as it definitely cheered him up. If 'Shampoo' had to die, at least she received great health-care benefits while living at SeaWorld... ;-)
"Ya, I went to SeaWorld in San Diego when I was younger," Matt bragged. "I even saw Shamu the killer whale, and it was so cool! Except at the time I thought her name was 'Shampoo,' I couldn't seem to get that one right..." His coworker Evan snorted, but Matt continued on- "One day though, future generations will ask me what it was like to have seen the legendary Shamu." He smiled in a superior manner.
His coworker David gave him a quizzical look. "You do realize Matt, that Shamu died back in the 70's, right?"
Matt's hopes and dreams were shattered.
"What?! No way, that is not true. I saw Shamu with my very eyes, I even have a friggin photo and a keychain!" he exclaimed.
"Ya, well... they've been calling all the killer whales Shamu ever since the first one died." David bit his bottom lip. "Sorry Matt..."
Matt leaned against a Kenmore Elite washing machine for support. "You mean, all this time my precious Shampoo was nothing but a lie? This is deception in the worst of ways," he moaned. "I feel so cheated!"
David and Evan continued to talk while Matt considered what this meant to his life. He was definitely going to have to burn his photo of the 'fake Shamu' when he got home. He couldn't live with a lie. Feeling frustrated he finally spoke up again. "This is a sham. I bet the only reason poor Shamu died was because she was held captive in nothing more than a giant bathtub. Probably whales in the wild live longer because they are able to swim across the whole ocean like Free Willy."
"I dunno though," David piped up. "I'm sure that whales at SeaWorld have better health-care benefits than whales in the wild."
It was Matt's turn to laugh now. He and Evan were in stitches and Matt didn't think he was going to be able to breathe at the thought of killer whales having health-care benefits. He wonders if they have a copay or if their insurance foots the bill?
"I think they even have their teeth taken care of," David continued, "kind of like whale dentists."
Matt has to thank David for such a hysterical comment, as it definitely cheered him up. If 'Shampoo' had to die, at least she received great health-care benefits while living at SeaWorld... ;-)
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