Shamu or Shampoo?

          Matt was at work chit-chatting with his coworkers when the topic of SeaWorld came up.

          "Ya, I went to SeaWorld in San Diego when I was younger," Matt bragged. "I even saw Shamu the killer whale, and it was so cool! Except at the time I thought her name was 'Shampoo,' I couldn't seem to get that one right..." His coworker Evan snorted, but Matt continued on- "One day though, future generations will ask me what it was like to have seen the legendary Shamu." He smiled in a superior manner.

          His coworker David gave him a quizzical look. "You do realize Matt, that Shamu died back in the 70's, right?"

          Matt's hopes and dreams were shattered.

          "What?! No way, that is not true. I saw Shamu with my very eyes, I even have a friggin photo and a keychain!" he exclaimed.

          "Ya, well... they've been calling all the killer whales Shamu ever since the first one died." David bit his bottom lip. "Sorry Matt..."

          Matt leaned against a Kenmore Elite washing machine for support. "You mean, all this time my precious Shampoo was nothing but a lie? This is deception in the worst of ways," he moaned. "I feel so cheated!"

          David and Evan continued to talk while Matt considered what this meant to his life. He was definitely going to have to burn his photo of the 'fake Shamu' when he got home. He couldn't live with a lie. Feeling frustrated he finally spoke up again. "This is a sham. I bet the only reason poor Shamu died was because she was held captive in nothing more than a giant bathtub. Probably whales in the wild live longer because they are able to swim across the whole ocean like Free Willy."

          "I dunno though," David piped up. "I'm sure that whales at SeaWorld have better health-care benefits than whales in the wild."

          It was Matt's turn to laugh now. He and Evan were in stitches and Matt didn't think he was going to be able to breathe at the thought of killer whales having health-care benefits. He wonders if they have a copay or if their insurance foots the bill?

          "I think they even have their teeth taken care of," David continued, "kind of like whale dentists."

          Matt has to thank David for such a hysterical comment, as it definitely cheered him up. If 'Shampoo' had to die, at least she received great health-care benefits while living at SeaWorld...  ;-)

A Christmas Miracle

       Matt had a um, entertaining customer at work yesterday. Wearing stiletto heels with shiny heart buckles in the front, leopard print leggings, a tight leather jacket and sporting fuzzy, voluminous hair that reminded him of one of Cher's more interesting wigs, his customer stepped off the escalator and traipsed down the aisle as if she were a runway model. That is, until Matt realized she was not walking in a straight line.

       Across one arm dangled several pairs of sequined and feathery lingerie. In the other hand she had two packages of darts for a dart board. Raising an eyebrow, Matt watched as she stumbled into a sign displaying a Kenmore washing machine and dryer set. She giggled as the sign fell to the ground with a clatter. "Don't worry, I'll get it" Matt replied as he rushed to her aid.

       "Silly me" she replied with a smile that revealed pink lipstick smeared on her teeth.

       "Can I help you find anything today?" he asked politely as he straightened the sign.

       She glanced down at his name tag.  "Well hi Matt, I'm Star!" (she slurred her name so it was more 'Staaaar'). "And nope, I just need to be rung up for my purchases" she said brightly as she waved the lingerie in his face.

       Wondering why she had come down to the basement to be rung up, when there were several cash registers upstairs, Matt led her to the register over near the fridges. As they walked, he noticed that it was as if every step were a surprise to Star. Like she didn't know what was going on, and couldn't figure out how she had ended up in the Appliance Department at Sears. Once again she stumbled, this time banging her shin on the edge of a stove. "Look out, those stoves will get ya," Matt said in sympathy as she grimaced. Not that he's seen anyone trip over them before.

       As he awkwardly handled the lacey material at the register, trying to locate the price tags, his customer spoke up. "You know, don't you just love Christmas time?" Matt said 'of course' and she carried on. "I personally believe that it's adoooorable that we celebrate Jesus' birthday, cause he's my Lord and Savior. I mean, the guy's more famous than Madonna, so why not right? Plus, there's bling bling lights on all the houses and lots of presents," Star said with relish. "Like today, I came here to buy important stuff like plates for my new place, cause I have a new boyfriend which means a new house, so I practically have nothing, but whatever," she rambled.

       "Hmmm," Matt responded in an attempt to be conversational.

       "But ya, I changed my mind," Star replied in a nonchalant attitude as she handed the darts over. "Since it's Christmas, I feel like it's more important to get some gifts for my boyfriend instead."

       "That's very thoughtful of you," replied Matt as he wondered how on earth she could justify purchasing half a closet full of lingerie and some darts while neglecting eating utensils. He shrugged his shoulders and continued on."I'm sure lingerie can be just as important as plates," he said in an agreeing tone. "Darts as well. I bet he'll love them... Are you sure the lingerie will fit him though?" he asked in a slightly teasing tone.

       Star snorted and busted up laughing. "You said it babe!" she hollered as she slapped Matt on the arm. A moment later as he wandered off to round up a bag for the woman (as they normally never ring customers up for anything other than large appliances in his department) he listened to her chortle and couldn't help but to chuckle as well.

       As Star walked away looking like a rock star with a severe case of vertigo, she turned around and hollered "Merry Christmas! Don't forget the baby Jesus and have a holiday miracle!" Matt felt a sense of gratitude. His day had been unbelievably dull. It had been about as exciting as a tray of green jello, which is not very exciting at all. But when Star came, she suddenly became the added carrots and whip cream to the jello. She brought joy to Matt's day. She was the shining star on top of a Christmas tree trimmed with extravant lights to rival Vegas. She was the not-so-virgin Mary cradling baby Jesus in a manger during the town pageant. She was a Christmas Miracle.  ;-)

Eavesdropping 1010

Matt simply loves to eavesdrop on juicy conversations. There's something thrilling about it. When he was a young lad he would often pretend he was 'Harriet The Spy' and he used to press up against closed doors, notebook in hand, as he listened to gossip on the other side. It made him feel important. Of course he never solved any crimes or unraveled any mysteries, but it was fun all the same. Matt still feels the same way today whenever he eavesdrops. Yesterday he had a simply hellacious opportunity as he sat waiting for his car in Discount Tire.

Two men were having a lively chat and it was apparent that they had just met. The first man, a black guy from St Thomas who was wearing penny loafers and an argyle sweater, who considers skiing to be his greatest hobby, and who also has a prissy wife who gets her nails done regularly and refuses to help with the yard work, was doing the majority of the talking. He was speaking rather animatedly to a man from Park city who was wearing flannel, sported a gnarly mustache and whose wife currently sleeps in a separate bedroom. As they chit-chatted Matt pretended to play Angry Birds on his phone while he listened in.

Said the penny loafer man- "My neighbor is so stupid, they should invent a pill for her or give her a vaccination. Take that back, she needs a friggin 'stupid IV!'" Mustache man chortled as penny loafer continued. "I mean she actually called the cops on us the other day cause my wife's chihuahua was barking and it 'frightened her.' The broad was scared Missy Elliot would bite her."

"No, you're kidding me!" responded mustache man as he took a bite out of his Wendy's junior bacon cheeseburger.

"Oh trust me, the cop came over and when he heard her complaint and saw our dog, he actually swore at her for wasting his time."

"As he should," replied mustache man with vigor.

Penny Loafer then lowered his voice a little. "I tell you what though, you know who's really stupid? My sister..."

At this point Matt turned his good ear towards them (he has more acute hearing on his right side).

"Why is she stupid?" asked mustache man with baited curiosity.

Penny Loafer looked around quick to make sure no-one was looking. Matt kept his eyes glued to his phone. "Well she named her son Scotty Scott..."

"No!" Mustache Man had the decency to gasp.

"It's true! Poor kid has no idea that his momma was actually stoned when she named him..."

At this point Matt couldn't help it. He snorted and as the two gentleman looked his way he gave a fake cough. As they continued talking he was literally in stitches, shaking in his uncomfortable plastic chair. A moment later Jim the mechanic (who told the guy at the front desk earlier that he had a weird rash on his chest, most likely hives from the tuna fish sandwich he had eaten earlier) called his name to return his keys.

As Matt walked out of the shop he smiled to himself. He now had dastardly good writing material. Harriet had made a comeback...  ;-)

Haircuts and Halloween!

Matt simply loves his hair-stylist. A chique man who dresses flashy everyday as if he were heading to the club with Madonna, he never fails to entertain Matt.

As he stepped into the shop this evening, he found his hairdresser touching up his lofty tall hair in the mirror. "Hello Matt, how are you?!" the hairdresser exclaimed as he turned to face him. "What do you think of my new hair cut?"

"Wow, it's uh, really big." Matt responded politely.

"The higher the hair, the closer to Heaven dear," said his hairdresser as he patted the swivel chair for Matt.

Minutes later, as Matt's head was being jerked around and as his hair was littering the floor, his stylist (we'll call him Alejandro) casually asked him what he was going to be for Halloween. "Well, I was actually thinking of going as a zombie version of Shakespeare." The snips of the scissors immediately stopped.

Matt looked in the mirror to see a look of revulsion on Alejandro's face. His stylist then swore loudly, causing patrons to look up from their magazines.

"Oh Honey! No no no no no!" exclaimed Alejandro with hands on hips. "You CANNOT go dressed up like that!"

"Haha, um, why not?" Matt asked.

"Because," Alejandro emphasized with his scissors, "everyone will immediately know you're a geek! And granted, you ARE a geek, let's just be honest, but you fool most people cause you're cute and dress well. Now if you go as Zombie Shakespeare though, you're soooo blowing your cover sweet heart. No-one will ever wanna date you!"

Matt was in stitches laughing at Alejandro's brutal honesty. "Honestly Matt, sometimes the things you say absolutely astound me!" his hairdresser said as he began clipping away again.

Once Matt regained his composure, Alejandro spoke up. "So why we're on the topic of me bashing you, let me just say that those hideous black glasses you wore today have GOT TO GO." He then pointed to Matt's spectacles lying on the counter.

"Aww, Alejandro, what's wrong with my glasses?"

"Honey, it's called contact lenses. Show off those beautiful eyes of yours. Trust me, they're great."

"Some days I hate wearing contacts though, glasses are easier," said Matt as he ran his fingers through his hair.

"Stop playing with your hair, I'm not done," reprimanded Alejandro as he lightly slapped his wrist. Matt promptly withdrew his hand before the scissors intervened next. "Now, I don't ever want to see those glasses again. End of discussion."

"Fine," Matt sighed. "so what are you going to be for Halloween mister bossy pants?"

"Oh I'm thinking of being either a hot Scottie with a kilt, I'd be shirtless of course," responded his hairdresser brightly, "or else a merman. Again shirtless."

"Oh wow... Those are, uh, definitely sexy Alejandro."

"I know right? Much better than a grotesque Zombie Shakespeare costume anyways." said his hairdresser as he rolled his eyes.

Several minutes later, after Matt finished paying and was giving a short wave at the door, Alejandro yelled out- "It was good to see you! Don't wait so long for a hair-cut next time, you were lookin a bit scraggly! And remember honey, NO ZOMBIE SHAKESPEARE!"

Looks like Matt will need to find a new costume...

How to Become Emo

Matt has always been fascinated with emos. The girl who layers on thick black lipstick, for example, and hides behind a curtain of hair pretending that she doesn't care what people think, or the guy with the lip studs who listens to Panic! At the Disco and acts like life is a constant tragedy. Yes, these Emotionals capture Matt's imagination. Although he is much too fashion conscious to don the emo look himself, he decided as a clueless and curious man that he wanted to find out just what it takes to become a true, emotionally unstable person. The topic is totally google-able. He learned quite a lot.

First step is the hairdo. It's very important for girls to have long hair with layers and a few colored streaks. A blonde stripe has been  popular in the past, but recently neon green and pink are quite in. Also a girl must have long razor cut bangs that preferably cover one eye. For guys, it's short and choppy hair styles. When applying gel, rub it through the back of the hair ratting upward to create a bit of a lift if desired.

Next step is the makeup. Black mascara and eyeliner are necessary for both guys and girls. This is non-negotiable.

Then come the skinny jeans. Black is definitely timeless, however one can wear different colors as well. Surprisingly,  pastel colors are completely acceptable now-days. Along with the jeans are the band tee-shirt. This must be tight as well, and it's suggested that one wear their tee-shirt one size smaller than what they'd normally wear. If it's chilly out, a tight zip up sweater (plain in color) or a hoodie of the individual's favorite band is acceptable.

Studded belts are common and give a bit of a menacing edge to the person. This is especially helpful for the newly emo person. It gives them a bit of a confidence boost; makes them feel like tough shiz.

Black low top, Converse Chuck Taylor shoes are pretty much the only shoe recognized by most emos. Some off-shoot individuals wear Vans or other skate brands. A true emo wears Converse though. One can add pink shoelaces to spice the footwear up a bit, and it is essential that the shoes look dirty or old. It's recommended that one run through the dirt for a while with new shoes to scuff them up a bit.

Backpacks and accessories can be fun additions. A plaid backpack with grissly buttons and pins picturing skulls, zombies or decapitated Care Bears is perfect for any student. Purses with studs and spikes are also great. Really just anything dangerous looking will do as an accessory.

Music is a huge factor in the emo world. My Chemical Romance and Paramore are some examples of qualified Emo bands. Pretty much any band though, that sings about tragic childhoods and neglectful fathers will do.

It is NOT recommended that emos cut themselves to have cool looking scars. Rather they should just adopt an 'I don't give a ****!' attitude of not caring. And when people ask them a question they can't answer, they should tell the person to eat poison. Also, an occasional flipping of the bird helps one to keep in character.

And last but not least, it is important that an emo doesn't think of themselves as 'punk.' Rather, they should classify themselves as an innovative person in tune with their feelings and inner self.

Matt had no clue that there was so much to being an emo! He was simply enamored by all he learned. And with Halloween just around the corner, he now has a pretty good idea of what he will go as...   ;-)

Murderous Children

Matt had a note-worthy experience in his Literature class yesterday. His professor had them read a troubling poem called Rite of Passage about a group of young boys playing.  It's a pernicious piece about a group of half pints at a birthday party. In the poem, a 7 year old sizes up a 6 year old and says, "I could beat you up." After that the two look at a group of smaller children. "We could easily kill a two year old," they agree one with another.

After reading the poem their short, balding professor with a gold wrist watch that's most likely fake, spoke up. "You know, this poem frankly disturbs me. I'm wondering what you all think."

Matt wasn't at all surprised when Miss Sunshine know it all, who gives an opinion for everything even when an opinion was not asked for, was first to raise her hand. "Actually, I think that kind of behavior is pretty normal for children," she began in her normal superior voice. "I can remember when I was 3 or so, holding a kitten and thinking to myself, 'I can kill this kitten if I want.'"

There were a few audible gasps, and one quickly stifled laugh from the other classmates. Matt turned around and stared at her in disbelief. She simply flipped her ponytail off her shoulder, acting as if she hadn't said anything displeasing. The professor didn't quite know how to respond so he replied with "Oh...I see... Um, anyone else?"

A second guy in a Boston Red Sox baseball cap rose his hand. "Ya I can totally remember sizing up other boys when I was younger and wondering if I could kill them..."

People!! What is wrong with all of you??!! Matt doesn't recall ever having lethal thoughts as a young tike! Perhaps this is why he doesn't own any children... He just thought it was cause they are expensive and smelly. Really, it's cause they're dangerous!

But then again, he never was very normal. He was probably the clueless little 6-year-old cherub who wandered around singing in made up languages, clutching both a My Little Pony and a Ninja Turtle while the other boys plotted on how they could best kill him.

And good thing he didn't own a kitten. The vixen little girls would have been after his blood too!

Matt will never view children the same, ever again.

Creepy Stalker!

Matt was feeling unusually charitable and generous yesterday, and wanting to help save the environment, he rode the bus. At the end of the school day, as he stepped onto the over-crowded, over-heated and smelly automobile that resembled a stretched out twinkie, he took the only seat available- directly across from his new professor.

He sat down and smiled at the eccentric man. His professor made no gesture of recognition, however, and Matt was perplexed. He had been in the guy's class not 2 hours earlier. A class with less than 15 people! It was then that he realized he was wearing his rather large, dark, bling- bling sunglasses that covered half his face. No wonder the professor didn't recognize him. A whole new world of possibilities suddenly opened up to Matt.

Unabashedly, he stared at his professor. He was kind of a fidgety little man with watery eyes that darted around in their sockets like little marbles. He had a sweaty tangle of hair on his head that he kept pushing back in vain, and his glasses were a little too large for his face. Matt was intrigued by this man he called 'Professor.'

What was the guy like? Did he have a personal life outside of school at all? Matt was remembering the contents of the discussion in class earlier that day. At one point in class, the man had randomly wondered aloud if anyone sane even believed Area 51 to be legit. Matt had countered the remark.

"Um sir, I was actually just in Roswell 2 weeks ago and I visited the International UFO Museum and Research Center," he said in an important voice while his classmates snickered. "And I have to say, after reading all the official documents and newspaper clippings from the time, I'm a little convinced now. It was all pretty legit."

His professor had laughed at his cheekiness, and Matt had thought to himself, "I'm totally getting an A this semester." Minutes later in class, the professor had asked another question.

"Who know's what it is called when someone casts their opponent into an extremely negative light?" Matt rose his hand again.

"Vilification."

"Wonderful! I'm so relieved! I was telling myself that if none of my students knew the answer to this, I'd have to go home and eat spinach as punishment. Now I can have pizza." Matt was pleased he could help the man to have a better dinner.

Snapping out of his reverie, he looked at his professor again. He really was kind of odd, in an endearing sort of way. Kind of like the lone raggedy puppy one might find on the street corner. The puppy seems sorta pathetic until you realize it can fetch sticks better than any other dog on the planet, and can even spell it's own name in the sand at the beach. Yes, his professor was talented and smart like that.

Pulling his cell phone out of his pocket, Matt positioned himself. A moment later when the boy wearing the fetching shirt (Red Riding Hood holding a hand gun and wearing a skinned wolf as her new cloak) wasn't looking, Matt snapped a pic of his professor. Giggling to himself, because he now had a private joke, he made a mental note to add the picture to his 'creepy stalker' album on Facebook.

A moment later the bus came to a wobbly stop and his professor stood up and exited. As the vehicle pulled away again, Matt looked out the window, watching him walk to his house. Wondering what kind of pizza the man was going to eat, he settled back into his seat.

It wasn't at ALL weird that he had just spent the whole bus ride observing his professor under disguise, Matt told himself. It wasn't at ALL odd that he had taken a picture of the man, and it wasn't at ALL strange that he now knew where his professor lived. No, this is normal, every day happenings for Matt...  ;-)