A Christmas Miracle

       Matt had a um, entertaining customer at work yesterday. Wearing stiletto heels with shiny heart buckles in the front, leopard print leggings, a tight leather jacket and sporting fuzzy, voluminous hair that reminded him of one of Cher's more interesting wigs, his customer stepped off the escalator and traipsed down the aisle as if she were a runway model. That is, until Matt realized she was not walking in a straight line.

       Across one arm dangled several pairs of sequined and feathery lingerie. In the other hand she had two packages of darts for a dart board. Raising an eyebrow, Matt watched as she stumbled into a sign displaying a Kenmore washing machine and dryer set. She giggled as the sign fell to the ground with a clatter. "Don't worry, I'll get it" Matt replied as he rushed to her aid.

       "Silly me" she replied with a smile that revealed pink lipstick smeared on her teeth.

       "Can I help you find anything today?" he asked politely as he straightened the sign.

       She glanced down at his name tag.  "Well hi Matt, I'm Star!" (she slurred her name so it was more 'Staaaar'). "And nope, I just need to be rung up for my purchases" she said brightly as she waved the lingerie in his face.

       Wondering why she had come down to the basement to be rung up, when there were several cash registers upstairs, Matt led her to the register over near the fridges. As they walked, he noticed that it was as if every step were a surprise to Star. Like she didn't know what was going on, and couldn't figure out how she had ended up in the Appliance Department at Sears. Once again she stumbled, this time banging her shin on the edge of a stove. "Look out, those stoves will get ya," Matt said in sympathy as she grimaced. Not that he's seen anyone trip over them before.

       As he awkwardly handled the lacey material at the register, trying to locate the price tags, his customer spoke up. "You know, don't you just love Christmas time?" Matt said 'of course' and she carried on. "I personally believe that it's adoooorable that we celebrate Jesus' birthday, cause he's my Lord and Savior. I mean, the guy's more famous than Madonna, so why not right? Plus, there's bling bling lights on all the houses and lots of presents," Star said with relish. "Like today, I came here to buy important stuff like plates for my new place, cause I have a new boyfriend which means a new house, so I practically have nothing, but whatever," she rambled.

       "Hmmm," Matt responded in an attempt to be conversational.

       "But ya, I changed my mind," Star replied in a nonchalant attitude as she handed the darts over. "Since it's Christmas, I feel like it's more important to get some gifts for my boyfriend instead."

       "That's very thoughtful of you," replied Matt as he wondered how on earth she could justify purchasing half a closet full of lingerie and some darts while neglecting eating utensils. He shrugged his shoulders and continued on."I'm sure lingerie can be just as important as plates," he said in an agreeing tone. "Darts as well. I bet he'll love them... Are you sure the lingerie will fit him though?" he asked in a slightly teasing tone.

       Star snorted and busted up laughing. "You said it babe!" she hollered as she slapped Matt on the arm. A moment later as he wandered off to round up a bag for the woman (as they normally never ring customers up for anything other than large appliances in his department) he listened to her chortle and couldn't help but to chuckle as well.

       As Star walked away looking like a rock star with a severe case of vertigo, she turned around and hollered "Merry Christmas! Don't forget the baby Jesus and have a holiday miracle!" Matt felt a sense of gratitude. His day had been unbelievably dull. It had been about as exciting as a tray of green jello, which is not very exciting at all. But when Star came, she suddenly became the added carrots and whip cream to the jello. She brought joy to Matt's day. She was the shining star on top of a Christmas tree trimmed with extravant lights to rival Vegas. She was the not-so-virgin Mary cradling baby Jesus in a manger during the town pageant. She was a Christmas Miracle.  ;-)

Eavesdropping 1010

Matt simply loves to eavesdrop on juicy conversations. There's something thrilling about it. When he was a young lad he would often pretend he was 'Harriet The Spy' and he used to press up against closed doors, notebook in hand, as he listened to gossip on the other side. It made him feel important. Of course he never solved any crimes or unraveled any mysteries, but it was fun all the same. Matt still feels the same way today whenever he eavesdrops. Yesterday he had a simply hellacious opportunity as he sat waiting for his car in Discount Tire.

Two men were having a lively chat and it was apparent that they had just met. The first man, a black guy from St Thomas who was wearing penny loafers and an argyle sweater, who considers skiing to be his greatest hobby, and who also has a prissy wife who gets her nails done regularly and refuses to help with the yard work, was doing the majority of the talking. He was speaking rather animatedly to a man from Park city who was wearing flannel, sported a gnarly mustache and whose wife currently sleeps in a separate bedroom. As they chit-chatted Matt pretended to play Angry Birds on his phone while he listened in.

Said the penny loafer man- "My neighbor is so stupid, they should invent a pill for her or give her a vaccination. Take that back, she needs a friggin 'stupid IV!'" Mustache man chortled as penny loafer continued. "I mean she actually called the cops on us the other day cause my wife's chihuahua was barking and it 'frightened her.' The broad was scared Missy Elliot would bite her."

"No, you're kidding me!" responded mustache man as he took a bite out of his Wendy's junior bacon cheeseburger.

"Oh trust me, the cop came over and when he heard her complaint and saw our dog, he actually swore at her for wasting his time."

"As he should," replied mustache man with vigor.

Penny Loafer then lowered his voice a little. "I tell you what though, you know who's really stupid? My sister..."

At this point Matt turned his good ear towards them (he has more acute hearing on his right side).

"Why is she stupid?" asked mustache man with baited curiosity.

Penny Loafer looked around quick to make sure no-one was looking. Matt kept his eyes glued to his phone. "Well she named her son Scotty Scott..."

"No!" Mustache Man had the decency to gasp.

"It's true! Poor kid has no idea that his momma was actually stoned when she named him..."

At this point Matt couldn't help it. He snorted and as the two gentleman looked his way he gave a fake cough. As they continued talking he was literally in stitches, shaking in his uncomfortable plastic chair. A moment later Jim the mechanic (who told the guy at the front desk earlier that he had a weird rash on his chest, most likely hives from the tuna fish sandwich he had eaten earlier) called his name to return his keys.

As Matt walked out of the shop he smiled to himself. He now had dastardly good writing material. Harriet had made a comeback...  ;-)

Haircuts and Halloween!

Matt simply loves his hair-stylist. A chique man who dresses flashy everyday as if he were heading to the club with Madonna, he never fails to entertain Matt.

As he stepped into the shop this evening, he found his hairdresser touching up his lofty tall hair in the mirror. "Hello Matt, how are you?!" the hairdresser exclaimed as he turned to face him. "What do you think of my new hair cut?"

"Wow, it's uh, really big." Matt responded politely.

"The higher the hair, the closer to Heaven dear," said his hairdresser as he patted the swivel chair for Matt.

Minutes later, as Matt's head was being jerked around and as his hair was littering the floor, his stylist (we'll call him Alejandro) casually asked him what he was going to be for Halloween. "Well, I was actually thinking of going as a zombie version of Shakespeare." The snips of the scissors immediately stopped.

Matt looked in the mirror to see a look of revulsion on Alejandro's face. His stylist then swore loudly, causing patrons to look up from their magazines.

"Oh Honey! No no no no no!" exclaimed Alejandro with hands on hips. "You CANNOT go dressed up like that!"

"Haha, um, why not?" Matt asked.

"Because," Alejandro emphasized with his scissors, "everyone will immediately know you're a geek! And granted, you ARE a geek, let's just be honest, but you fool most people cause you're cute and dress well. Now if you go as Zombie Shakespeare though, you're soooo blowing your cover sweet heart. No-one will ever wanna date you!"

Matt was in stitches laughing at Alejandro's brutal honesty. "Honestly Matt, sometimes the things you say absolutely astound me!" his hairdresser said as he began clipping away again.

Once Matt regained his composure, Alejandro spoke up. "So why we're on the topic of me bashing you, let me just say that those hideous black glasses you wore today have GOT TO GO." He then pointed to Matt's spectacles lying on the counter.

"Aww, Alejandro, what's wrong with my glasses?"

"Honey, it's called contact lenses. Show off those beautiful eyes of yours. Trust me, they're great."

"Some days I hate wearing contacts though, glasses are easier," said Matt as he ran his fingers through his hair.

"Stop playing with your hair, I'm not done," reprimanded Alejandro as he lightly slapped his wrist. Matt promptly withdrew his hand before the scissors intervened next. "Now, I don't ever want to see those glasses again. End of discussion."

"Fine," Matt sighed. "so what are you going to be for Halloween mister bossy pants?"

"Oh I'm thinking of being either a hot Scottie with a kilt, I'd be shirtless of course," responded his hairdresser brightly, "or else a merman. Again shirtless."

"Oh wow... Those are, uh, definitely sexy Alejandro."

"I know right? Much better than a grotesque Zombie Shakespeare costume anyways." said his hairdresser as he rolled his eyes.

Several minutes later, after Matt finished paying and was giving a short wave at the door, Alejandro yelled out- "It was good to see you! Don't wait so long for a hair-cut next time, you were lookin a bit scraggly! And remember honey, NO ZOMBIE SHAKESPEARE!"

Looks like Matt will need to find a new costume...

How to Become Emo

Matt has always been fascinated with emos. The girl who layers on thick black lipstick, for example, and hides behind a curtain of hair pretending that she doesn't care what people think, or the guy with the lip studs who listens to Panic! At the Disco and acts like life is a constant tragedy. Yes, these Emotionals capture Matt's imagination. Although he is much too fashion conscious to don the emo look himself, he decided as a clueless and curious man that he wanted to find out just what it takes to become a true, emotionally unstable person. The topic is totally google-able. He learned quite a lot.

First step is the hairdo. It's very important for girls to have long hair with layers and a few colored streaks. A blonde stripe has been  popular in the past, but recently neon green and pink are quite in. Also a girl must have long razor cut bangs that preferably cover one eye. For guys, it's short and choppy hair styles. When applying gel, rub it through the back of the hair ratting upward to create a bit of a lift if desired.

Next step is the makeup. Black mascara and eyeliner are necessary for both guys and girls. This is non-negotiable.

Then come the skinny jeans. Black is definitely timeless, however one can wear different colors as well. Surprisingly,  pastel colors are completely acceptable now-days. Along with the jeans are the band tee-shirt. This must be tight as well, and it's suggested that one wear their tee-shirt one size smaller than what they'd normally wear. If it's chilly out, a tight zip up sweater (plain in color) or a hoodie of the individual's favorite band is acceptable.

Studded belts are common and give a bit of a menacing edge to the person. This is especially helpful for the newly emo person. It gives them a bit of a confidence boost; makes them feel like tough shiz.

Black low top, Converse Chuck Taylor shoes are pretty much the only shoe recognized by most emos. Some off-shoot individuals wear Vans or other skate brands. A true emo wears Converse though. One can add pink shoelaces to spice the footwear up a bit, and it is essential that the shoes look dirty or old. It's recommended that one run through the dirt for a while with new shoes to scuff them up a bit.

Backpacks and accessories can be fun additions. A plaid backpack with grissly buttons and pins picturing skulls, zombies or decapitated Care Bears is perfect for any student. Purses with studs and spikes are also great. Really just anything dangerous looking will do as an accessory.

Music is a huge factor in the emo world. My Chemical Romance and Paramore are some examples of qualified Emo bands. Pretty much any band though, that sings about tragic childhoods and neglectful fathers will do.

It is NOT recommended that emos cut themselves to have cool looking scars. Rather they should just adopt an 'I don't give a ****!' attitude of not caring. And when people ask them a question they can't answer, they should tell the person to eat poison. Also, an occasional flipping of the bird helps one to keep in character.

And last but not least, it is important that an emo doesn't think of themselves as 'punk.' Rather, they should classify themselves as an innovative person in tune with their feelings and inner self.

Matt had no clue that there was so much to being an emo! He was simply enamored by all he learned. And with Halloween just around the corner, he now has a pretty good idea of what he will go as...   ;-)

Murderous Children

Matt had a note-worthy experience in his Literature class yesterday. His professor had them read a troubling poem called Rite of Passage about a group of young boys playing.  It's a pernicious piece about a group of half pints at a birthday party. In the poem, a 7 year old sizes up a 6 year old and says, "I could beat you up." After that the two look at a group of smaller children. "We could easily kill a two year old," they agree one with another.

After reading the poem their short, balding professor with a gold wrist watch that's most likely fake, spoke up. "You know, this poem frankly disturbs me. I'm wondering what you all think."

Matt wasn't at all surprised when Miss Sunshine know it all, who gives an opinion for everything even when an opinion was not asked for, was first to raise her hand. "Actually, I think that kind of behavior is pretty normal for children," she began in her normal superior voice. "I can remember when I was 3 or so, holding a kitten and thinking to myself, 'I can kill this kitten if I want.'"

There were a few audible gasps, and one quickly stifled laugh from the other classmates. Matt turned around and stared at her in disbelief. She simply flipped her ponytail off her shoulder, acting as if she hadn't said anything displeasing. The professor didn't quite know how to respond so he replied with "Oh...I see... Um, anyone else?"

A second guy in a Boston Red Sox baseball cap rose his hand. "Ya I can totally remember sizing up other boys when I was younger and wondering if I could kill them..."

People!! What is wrong with all of you??!! Matt doesn't recall ever having lethal thoughts as a young tike! Perhaps this is why he doesn't own any children... He just thought it was cause they are expensive and smelly. Really, it's cause they're dangerous!

But then again, he never was very normal. He was probably the clueless little 6-year-old cherub who wandered around singing in made up languages, clutching both a My Little Pony and a Ninja Turtle while the other boys plotted on how they could best kill him.

And good thing he didn't own a kitten. The vixen little girls would have been after his blood too!

Matt will never view children the same, ever again.

Creepy Stalker!

Matt was feeling unusually charitable and generous yesterday, and wanting to help save the environment, he rode the bus. At the end of the school day, as he stepped onto the over-crowded, over-heated and smelly automobile that resembled a stretched out twinkie, he took the only seat available- directly across from his new professor.

He sat down and smiled at the eccentric man. His professor made no gesture of recognition, however, and Matt was perplexed. He had been in the guy's class not 2 hours earlier. A class with less than 15 people! It was then that he realized he was wearing his rather large, dark, bling- bling sunglasses that covered half his face. No wonder the professor didn't recognize him. A whole new world of possibilities suddenly opened up to Matt.

Unabashedly, he stared at his professor. He was kind of a fidgety little man with watery eyes that darted around in their sockets like little marbles. He had a sweaty tangle of hair on his head that he kept pushing back in vain, and his glasses were a little too large for his face. Matt was intrigued by this man he called 'Professor.'

What was the guy like? Did he have a personal life outside of school at all? Matt was remembering the contents of the discussion in class earlier that day. At one point in class, the man had randomly wondered aloud if anyone sane even believed Area 51 to be legit. Matt had countered the remark.

"Um sir, I was actually just in Roswell 2 weeks ago and I visited the International UFO Museum and Research Center," he said in an important voice while his classmates snickered. "And I have to say, after reading all the official documents and newspaper clippings from the time, I'm a little convinced now. It was all pretty legit."

His professor had laughed at his cheekiness, and Matt had thought to himself, "I'm totally getting an A this semester." Minutes later in class, the professor had asked another question.

"Who know's what it is called when someone casts their opponent into an extremely negative light?" Matt rose his hand again.

"Vilification."

"Wonderful! I'm so relieved! I was telling myself that if none of my students knew the answer to this, I'd have to go home and eat spinach as punishment. Now I can have pizza." Matt was pleased he could help the man to have a better dinner.

Snapping out of his reverie, he looked at his professor again. He really was kind of odd, in an endearing sort of way. Kind of like the lone raggedy puppy one might find on the street corner. The puppy seems sorta pathetic until you realize it can fetch sticks better than any other dog on the planet, and can even spell it's own name in the sand at the beach. Yes, his professor was talented and smart like that.

Pulling his cell phone out of his pocket, Matt positioned himself. A moment later when the boy wearing the fetching shirt (Red Riding Hood holding a hand gun and wearing a skinned wolf as her new cloak) wasn't looking, Matt snapped a pic of his professor. Giggling to himself, because he now had a private joke, he made a mental note to add the picture to his 'creepy stalker' album on Facebook.

A moment later the bus came to a wobbly stop and his professor stood up and exited. As the vehicle pulled away again, Matt looked out the window, watching him walk to his house. Wondering what kind of pizza the man was going to eat, he settled back into his seat.

It wasn't at ALL weird that he had just spent the whole bus ride observing his professor under disguise, Matt told himself. It wasn't at ALL odd that he had taken a picture of the man, and it wasn't at ALL strange that he now knew where his professor lived. No, this is normal, every day happenings for Matt...  ;-)

The Land of Enchantment

Matt was recently inspired by the television show 'Roswell,' to take a road trip through New Mexico. He realizes that it is a bit odd to base one's summer vacation off of a TV show, but there you have it. The characters in the show were so dreamy and charming, he couldn't help but feel a certain longing to be in the town where his favorite new series began. He was hoping to have alien adventures. A road trip was in order.

Taking a week off of work, and packing his bags, bringing along a jar of peanut butter even, (he is a bit addicted) Matt met up with his friend Courtney Sawyer who was also coming along for the daring road trip. The two were very excited, and as they began driving South they got carried away in their gabbing. So much so, that they failed to notice their exit.  Later on as the two were talking about their complicated love lives, they suddenly passed a giant sign reading "Welcome to Colorful Colorado!" Matt nearly slammed on the brakes and the two pulled over.

"How on earth is this possible?!" asked Courtney. "We should have been in Moab, Utah by now, not in Colorado!" She dug out their road map. Sure enough, they had passed the turn off for Moab an hour earlier without realizing.Whoops. Matt was not born with an innate sense of direction though, so he was hardly surprised by the fact he had gotten them lost.

Flipping their car around, the two headed back the way they had come. Eventually, much later in the day then they had planned, they made it to Moab. After eating grilled paninis at a quaint roadside cafe called 'Sweet Cravings,' the two continued on until they came across a strange place called 'Hole N' The Rock.'

Hole N' The Rock is kind of like the new Mount Rushmore, Matt decided, as he stepped out of his car into the parking lot. First off you had a giant rock wall, with the words "Hole N' The Rock" painted in huge lettering across the front. Then when you look closer, you notice that there is the dead face of Franklin Roosevelt interred into the rock wall.

"Hmmm, neat," said Matt to Courtney as she cocked her head to the side, trying to take it all in. Besides the face of Franklin looming down in a creepy manner, there was also a hodge-podge of random items scattered across the desert floor. A freakish, giant sign of a dancing clown leaned up against the 'Trading Post' building next to a bust of the Virgin Mary. Then there were pretty cactus beds with ceramic flowers intermingled throughout and strangely enough, a bicycle that also functioned as a lawn mower.

Next was the home built literally into the face of the mountain. It now functions as a museum/souvenir shop, since the builders of the strange home have since died mysterious deaths. As Matt and Courtney stepped through the front door, (complete with doorbell) into the mountain, they noticed the jagged rock that served as the living room's ceiling. One roped off room showed the former resident's bedroom. It was filled with an assortment of creepy dolls. That was when Matt decided to leave.

And last but not least, Hole N' The Rock has a petting zoo! Complete with pigs, sheep and a camel! "People drive miles and miles to see this place," Matt told Courtney in an important sounding voice as they drove out of the dusty parking lot, after watching a French couple attempt to pet a disgruntled camel.

Finally they arrived to Santa Fe, late at night. They hunkered down in a Super 8 motel, and the next morning after eating waffles and watching Niki Minaj shake her massive booty on TV in the lounge, the two took off for Historic Downtown Santa Fe.

Historic Downtown was one of the most spectacular places Matt has ever seen! The whole place had a dusty old charm to it. He loved walking down the streets, snapping photos of all the artistic and rustic buildings. There was the famous Cathedral Basilica of Saint Francis of Assisi that they saw. Matt was impressed with the pizzazz of it all. He and Court lit candles and left with rosary beads, laughing quietly at the cute, senile woman who welcomed them to the cathedral again for the second time as they were exiting out the front door. The next stop was his favorite though.

While Courtney ran off to place more quarters in the parking meter, Matt wandered into a strange outdoor grotto snuggled between two buildings. Immediately he was welcomed by a wild looking woman wearing a bright pinkish/orange apron with a skeleton on the front. She had streaky white hair, saggy skin like a basset hounds and a giant gap in her smile. They became instant friends. :-)

The shop was devoted completely to the Mexican 'Day of the Dead.' As Matt was looking at some rather gnarly skulls, he asked the woman how she got involved in all of this. "Well you know, it all happened a few years back," began the woman as she brushed bits of dishelved hair out of her face. "I was living on the East Coast and I was jobless and poor. And anyways I went to this conference for fun. There was this lady there I had never met there, but she came right up to me afterwards and said, 'I've seen you before. Would you like to come work for me in Santa Fe?' I mean just like that, this random woman."

Matt nodded politely as he picked up a mini statue of a skeletal couple dancing. "Don't touch that dear." He quickly set it down and she continued on. "Anyways, I went home afterwards, just thinkin bout the strangeness of it all. I was doin the dishes in my kitchen and I looked up, and I swear to Heavens, there was my mother's head floating on the wall!"

Matt gasped as she continued on. "I mean she's been dead for years and suddenly there is her head just floating there, looking at me. And you know what she said to me?"

"Tell me," Matt begged.

"She said," 'Good Job.' Then she nodded her head and disappeared. Just like that! So I knew I needed to take the job," said the woman as she chuckled. She then looked at him. "So what you gonna buy today?"

After hearing a story like that, he couldn't say 'no,' so picking out a skull candle from Oaxaca, he set it down on the counter to pay.

As the lady was wrapping up his item, Matt pointed at a plaque on the back wall under a doorway. "What's that sign?"

"Ooh, that's the door the atomic bomb was walked through during the 'Manhattan Project,' whispered the lady dramatically. "The greatest scientists who ended WWII snuck the bomb right through here and put it on a bus with blackened windows on the street, then drove off with it." He felt chills after that. She was a great storyteller.

After taking a picture with the old woman and giving her a hug, she waved Matt off. "Come back again hon!" He then met up with Courtney to continue their travels to Roswell.

Now Roswell was something else altogether. Matt began to feel giddy inside as they approached the city limits. This town was the inspiration for his trip!! He even knew a woman who lived her. She believes she can speak telepathically to cats. A rare talent in his opinion.

However the meeting with the woman who prefers cats to people was not to be. Apparently her house had somehow flooded. She was meeting with a plumber. Matt was a little sad, but he cheered up when they arrived to the 'International UFO Museum.'

Being in a museum devoted completely to Extra-Terrestrial life was kind of bizarre. The workers at the museum all wore serious expressions on their faces and he felt like he needed to whisper the whole time in the museum. These people were the real deal. They knew their stuff and were passionate about it.

Perhaps the best part of the tour was watching a young boy. Matt was standing behind three kids with their mother. She was reading to them an account of the first documented Alien abduction. She was almost as good as Santa Fe woman, he had to admit. The little boy's eyes grew wide in fear as the mother read about the 'medical examination' the aliens performed on a woman from New Hampshire. "And whenever I felt pain, the leader of the group would run his hands over my eyes, and the pain would dissolve," read the mother in a spooky voice. She then looked at her 3, young, impressionable kids. "They're coming for you next!" Matt then followed the group to a flying saucer complete with robotic aliens.

Supernatural music was playing in the background and the aliens were moving around the space craft. At this point the poor little boy began tugging feverishly on his mother's arm. "Mom, can we go please?!"

"Darling, this stuff isn't real, it's okay." The boy looked back at Matt. Pure terror was written all over his face. He tugged even harder. "I REALLY REALLY WANT TO GO!!" Matt chuckled as the mother sighed and dragged the boy from the room. Really though, it was kinda terrifying when he thought of it. There was a display of an alien captured by humans at the Roswell site. The poor alien was being experimented on and blood was spilled all over the exam table. Deciding he had seen enough, Matt dragged Courtney over to the gift shop.

A stern looking woman was perched near a counter under a sign reading "No photos allowed!!" The moment she wasn't looking, however, Matt tried on a pair of funky green alien sunglasses and Courtney took his pic. He was in a rebellious mood. What were they gonna do? Kick him out of the museum? Next he purchased alien memorabilia, his favorite being a pack of trading cards from the TV show, Roswell :-)

After Roswell, they headed to Carlsbad. On the way there they pulled into a ghost town named Encino. There were literally about 10 houses, a post office and an abandoned motel. "Slow down through here Matt," warned Courtney as they drove through town. "I bet there's a cocky sheriff who would love to pull us over." On seeing the abandoned motel, the two decided to pull over and take a look.

Goosebumps sprang up all over Matt's arms as they approached the desolate building. There was definitely something unearthly about the place. It was broad daylight, but he still felt the heeby-jeebies. An old rusted sign, read 'Low Rates.' The porch to the motel was overgrown with weeds and stray litter blew across the ground. All the windows were busted through. A door swung crookedly on it's hinges, swaying back and forth. Courtney didn't want to venture inside, so he stepped in alone.

The first thing he noticed was the rat poo and nests that were on the floor and in the corners. A bathroom sink was literally hanging from the wall, looking like a poltergeist had ripped it out of place, and a beer can lay on the floor next to a moth-eaten sofa. Matt crossed over to the broken window to look outside. The hairs on the back of his neck suddenly stood on end. And then he heard it.

A huge "BOOM!!" reverberated behind him. He whipped around, but there was nothing in the room with him. He promptly ran outside.

"What was that?!" asked Courtney as Matt came running over to her.

"I have no idea!" With that the two hurriedly left the mysterious, deserted town. They never saw a single person the whole time they were there...

Next on the list was Carlsbad. As they drove towards the caverns to see the live bat show, the two looked out the window in awe. It was like driving through Dr. Seuss land. The trees were oddly shaped and leaning at crazy angles. Burnt shrubbery spanned across the ground and an occasional burnt palm tree drooped low to the earth. There must have been a fire at some point.

The cave entrance where the bats fly out was enormous and very impressive. There was an amphitheater at the entrance and Matt and Court took a seat with dozens of other gawking tourists. It wasn't quite dusk, so they had the wonderful opportunity to listen to a very enthusiastic park ranger with her pants hiked up way too high, explain about the bats. "What do bat's like to do in the cave?" she asked the crowd. No one spoke up. Finally- "They like to hang with their friends!" She laughed loudly in the microphone and Matt started laughing pretty hard too. For some reason the lame joke was really funny to him.

And then they waited. And waited. And waited. Finally a few bats began trickling out. Matt isn't sure what he was expecting, but for some reason he had a vision of thousands of bats flying out all at once, sounding like a jet as they flew overhead. However this was no jet. Really just a steady trickle of bats peeing out of the cave was all it was. It was kinda disappointing really. Even the park ranger seemed upset.

"Normally they all come out at once and it's phenomenal," she said. "There's been a drought though and lately there haven't been many coming out." It was still kinda cool in a way though.

That night they pulled into a dumpy little motel, Middle Eastern in appearance and style, that reminded Matt of the porno version of Aladdin. They dragged their luggage inside, tired, and sat down on the stiff beds. A moment later they could hear a woman's voice from the room next door.

"I'm sensing a strong, male, spirit presence in the room with us right now." Courtney looked at Matt in alarm. The two busted up laughing and continued laughing as they went to bed. That night was a horrific night for Matt.

All night long he tossed and turned on the brick-like pillows, dreaming over and over again that Freddy Krueger was hunting him down, clawing at him with his freakish, murderous nails. The nightmares were really graphic and disturbing. When the alarm went off in the morning, Matt woke up in a cold sweat. Looking around the dilapidated room with no TV, he felt relief that it had just been a dream. As he pulled himself out of bed, he realized that he was really itchy. He began to scratch at his arm, wondering why it itched so bad. As he pulled his shirt off to get into the shower, he shrieked. He had four massive bites on his right arm. They had swollen up HUGE and he could see the bite marks in his skin. He ran out to Courtney.

"Look at these!" She was shocked as she surveyed the bites.

"Oh my Matt, you have two really big ones on your back too!"

Needless to say, Matt was horrified by his Carlsbad, motel experience. It must of been the 'strong, male spirit presence' tormenting him in his sleep. Maybe he had been followed by some presence from Encino...

After buying Benadryl cream, the two went to the Caverns again. This time they descended 700 feet below surface . They went on a fascinating, guided hike through 4 enormous rooms, seeing world-class stalagmites and stalactites (their tour guide called them 'Stickey uppeys' and 'hangey downies'). The guide was a nerd and Courtney and Matt liked him immensely. He would have been a perfect match for bat lady.

However Matt and Courtney were kinda naughty though, because they kept seeing certain objects out of some of the 'stickey uppies.' They couldn't help but giggle, causing another man to giggle too when he realized what they were laughing about ;-)

The rest of the day was spent traversing the vast desert of New Mexico until they finally reached El Paso, Texas in the early afternoon.

El Paso was much nicer than Matt was expecting. People always talk about it like it's some embarrassing place in Texas that should be destroyed. Not the case though. Courtney's old friend from Colorado, Anna, lives in El Paso. She put them up in a very fancy hotel named "El Camino." It's on the list of 'Historic Hotels of America,' thank you very much.

The first thing Matt did after checking in at their posh hotel (a much needed break after the Carlsbad motel) was go for a swim on the rooftop pool, overlooking the city. The view was amazing and it was so nice out. He had the whole pool to himself and was enjoying himself immensely until he noticed the five pigeons sitting on the pool's edge, sipping from the same water he was swimming in...

Matt FLIPPED and jumped straight out of the pool. The rest of the time he kept himself at a huge distance from the pigeons as he suntanned in a lounge chair, all the while cursing the filthy rats with wings.

That night Anna took them to a fun cafe called 'Star City.' Matt ordered some heavenly shrimp tacos and received a healthy dosage of trans-fats from his order of onion rings. It was a pleasant evening and they sat and simply chit chatted. Afterwards she showed them different clubs and introduced them to the nightlife of the city. Really it was relaxing; Matt sat out on a back porch downtown, sipping ice water under the stars.

The next morning, Matt and Court took to the streets. He wandered around taking pictures of the buildings like a yadid yahoo, causing some guy in a suit, probably the mayor, to say "Oh are you visiting? Welcome to El Paso. We love tourists!" Matt blushed as they stepped into a cafe called 'The Percolator.'

Once again he ate a panini; turkey and avocado with egg this time. The cafe was very artsy and he felt very sophisticated and chique dining there. While there, they began talking to a man. He didn't speak English, however, so Courtney gave up quickly. He was from Juarez, and Matt chit-chatted in broken Spanish with him. To the man's good credit, he only laughed once at his slaughtering of the Spanish language. It was probably when Matt apologized for being a clown at the language. He meant to say he probably sounded funny with the language :-)

As they were leaving El Paso, they caught a glimpse of 'La Ciudad de Juarez.' It was shocking to see the stark contrast on the other side of the wall, into Mexico. There were huts and run-down trailers spanning as far as the eye could see. Matt suddenly understood how lucky he was to be able to stay at "El Camino." Good gosh, he should of been grateful for the unhygienic, sketchy, pathetic motel in Carlsbad!

Later on that day, the two friends pulled into 'White Sands National Monument' near Las Cruces in New Mexico. White Sands was unreal. It is literally acres and acres of pure, crystal white, sand. They had these monstrous, huge sand dunes, and Matt and Courtney rented some blue winter sleds and raced down the dunes. He is pretty sure he beat Courtney to the bottom every time ;-) The two were having a grand time playing in the sand. It was like Christmas with snow, but in 100 degree weather.

Out of nowhere though, a violent thunderstorm rolled in. Lightning began to strike pretty close by. They ignored the ominous clouds however, and continued to explore the dunes until a gruff park ranger with a mullet drove up and told them they were idiots for being out in such weather. He made them leave. At least they got some rad photos.

Next they ate at a derelict, if not interesting drive-in called 'Hi-d-Ho" in Alamogordo. That was pretty much all they did in that town.

Later as they drove north again, Matt began feeling just a little saddened at the fact that their vacation was almost over. However, they still had Albuquerque, and the two had some stellar adventures planned. His peanut butter was only 3/4 of the way empty too, which meant that they still had time to spare. He figured the jar would last about a week; the same amount of time as their trip...

Their first view of Albuquerque was from the sky. Since they had pulled into town late at night, they had no clue what the city even looked like, til' they took a sun-rise flight in a hot air balloon. Courtney was shaking as they pulled into the park where the balloons were. It took Matt quite a lot to convince her to go with him. She asked the captain if there were ever crashes, accidents or deaths with hot air balloons. He assured her that he had a perfect flying record. That is, apart from the time an old woman fainted in his balloon, and the time they had a landing at 25 mph, causing everyone to tumble out of the basket...

The view was absolutely astonishing and unforgettable though. It was like organized magic the way all the houses were perfectly lined up hundreds of feet below. There were other balloons in the sky, and as the sun began to rise, Matt felt like the coolest guy in the world.

As they began the descent, Courtney began to get nervous again. They were headed for an abandoned field, and Matt suddenly realized that they were coming down faster than he expected. They hit the ground with a large bump and he fell backwards into Court, before they rose a few feet off the ground again. They repeated the process two or three times, each time skidding harder, then rising in the air a few feet, til they came to a halt, tipping over completely. Everyone hung on as they fell to the ground, and Matt was laughing hysterically. What a rush! They hit the ground at 7mph, he can't even imagine doing it at 25!

He was very proud of Courtney though for facing her fear of heights. However, she was not yet finished. Next he took her to Sandia Mountain to ride what used to be the world's longest tram. That is, until some random countries like Norway or California passed them up.

The tram took them to a top of a peak, about 10,000 feet in elevation. At one point in the ride, their tour guide, a cocky, young buck named Terell, asked them if they would like to see what it's like to be 900 feet above ground. Matt said 'yes please,' and to their surprise, the tour guide opened up a rectangular hatch in the floor of the tram, so they had a perfect window of the ground far below them. Matt was shocked because a little kid could easily fall through the hatch. Terell didn't seem bothered at all by the fact that someone screamed, and everyone quickly scooted to the other side of the tram until he shut the lid again.

Once safely at the top, Sandia Peak was ever so lover-ly. Matt climbed into one of the ski lift chairs for a pic (he is pretty sure that's not allowed), re-enacted the 'Titanic' king of the world scene as he leaned over a balcony on the edge of the peak, and laughed with Courtney at the bizarre toilets in the women's restroom. Really, it was her idea that Matt venture into Woman's World to see the toilets raised up on pedestals. He imagined it would be kinda awkward trying to take a pee on a wobbly toilet ;-)

On the ride back down on the tram, they had a new tour guide. The woman had black converse shoes, yellow shin high socks with odd designs, short shorts and a wind blazer. Her hair was pulled back in a messy pony tail and she was wearing Native American turquoise jewelry. As they began talking with her, she said "You know, I can't believe that some people ACTUALLY plan a vacation around Roswell. I mean, what kind of weird people do that?" Matt immediately turned red, and Courtney stifled a laugh. She continued on, "Back in the day we used to have wild keg parties on the crash site all the time." This automatically confirmed Matt and Courtney's suspicion that the woman was a functioning alcoholic. She then asked them how they liked the tram ride.

"It's been great!" Matt replied. "It was fascinating when we saw out the hatch to the ground below." He knew he had instantly said the wrong thing.

"Did Terell actually open that?! I'm gonna kill that kid!" Feeling slightly sorry for Terrel, Matt and Court stepped off while the women was still muttering about 'inept tour guides.'

After the Peak, they took a tour of Olde Town, Albuquerque. Once again, Matt was in an enchanting little place. He found another shop devoted to Day of the Dead, spied on two women who had the most fascinating wardrobes (one had pants that looked like fish net tights, the other wore a dress that had to have been owned by Daphne from Scooby-Doo), ate in New Mexico's oldest building, a home built in 1706, and visited another famous Cathedral. This time they left San Felipe de Neri Parish with small necklaces of "Our Lady of Guadalupe." Matt hung it in his car window. He figured she might grant them safe travels in the future. They had already had several close calls on the freeways. Needless to say, Matt is NOT the best of drivers. Next they got their kicks on 66.

Historic route 66 was where it was at! Court and Matt had a grand time driving 'America's Main Street.' They passed the hippy, University of New Mexico and he had never seen so many people with dread locks. He wanted to pretend he was earthy and cool like that. He imagined strutting over with pants hangin off his butt while listening to Bob Marley and sayin "Wa shu want foo?" to anyone who looked his way. Since this didn't happen though, he enjoyed the fascinating and bizarre stores and took some sexy pics with a bunch of yard flamingos in front of a Phillips 66.

Unfortunately, route 66 was the last New Mexico adventure. Leaving the state felt like a heavy burden on Matt's heart. He felt a burning sickness inside of him as they crossed into Utah. That was when he realized that he had heart burn from the Navajo Taco he had eaten earlier. He was still sad though.

Anyways, they stopped next at the famous 4 Corners and took chintzy photos. After taking several magnanimous pictures at 4 corners, the two friends decided they wanted to stay an extra night. Making up their mind, they turned and headed west into Arizona. The peanut butter wasn't quite finished yet.

The Arizona desert was pretty and poetic and Matt took dozens of photos. When they finally pulled into the first small town they could find, Kayenta, they pulled into the driveway of an impressive lodge.

Matt barely opened his mouth at the front desk, when the attendant interrupted him. "Sorry, we're booked. There are no vacancies tonight. You can try Hampton Inn down the street."

Hampton Inn turned out to be even worse. The man behind the front desk was brutal, with a droning voice and a very crooked index finger. Matt and Courtney asked him if they had a room open with double beds. "We have one, it's 180 for the night."

Matt did a double take. They had been paying 50 bucks at most with most places! "Um, do you have anything cheaper?" he asked after the shock.

The man gave him an extremely annoyed look. "Nope. It comes with a continental breakfast though."

"I'm sorry, we can't quite afford that. Do you know of any places around here that might be less?"

At this point, the man glared at them. "Listen," he began, "You two have to realize you are in the middle of no-where. We are the only hotel apart from the lodge, and the nearest one is 2 hours away in Cortez, Colorado." He said this in a very superior, sneering manner.

"Well, is it okay if we use your lobby computer quick, so we can check Priceline?" asked Courtney sweetly. "We don't have reception on our cell phones and we really need to find a place to stay."

The man turned on her and gave a smug look. "Sorry, the computer is for PAYING guests only."

"Can I pay you ten bucks then to use your computer for five minutes? It would really help us out a lot, and we would appreciate it greatly." asked Courtney.

"NO."

The 'No' was the harshest thing Matt had heard since he found out that Marilyn Monroe was dead. For some reason he has always thought she was still alive as an actress...

As Matt and Courtney sat in the car feeling discouraged, he looked at the necklace of Guadalupe smiling down on them and felt a sudden inspiration. He said a prayer to God in his mind asking for a place to stay. A moment later Courtney had an idea.

"I wonder if we can find a hotel on my Garmin GPS!" She whipped it out and typed in locations and hotels. A second later a hotel popped up in the city of Mexican Hat, 40 miles away near Monument Valley in Utah. "He lied to us! This place is much closer than Colorado!" Anxious, Matt called the hotel.

"Hello?"

"Ya, I'm wondering if you have any rooms available with your hotel. We're kind of desperate," Matt laughed.

"Well sweety, you're in luck. We have one room open for double beds. It was booked and the people just literally called in and cancelled the room. It's our last one left, and we were just about to close for the night. Would you like it?"

"YES!!" It was still a little expensive, 80 bucks, but much cheaper than the hoity-toity Hampton Inn. Matt loves how the good Lord works. He provided a place for them and if they hadn't stopped at Hampton Inn and haggled with the creep, they mighta missed it completely.

That night he rested well and when they woke up it was to find that they were on the banks of a beautiful river. The San Juan river to be exact. It was muddy red and Matt was tempted to take a bath in it. He didn't though. There were tons of people watching. But if they hadn't been, he totally would have just because it's America and he has his freedoms ;-)

And just for fun, Courtney and Matt drove through Monument Valley. It was stupendous and thrilling and gorgeous. Especially the moment when Courtney was cruisin along at 60 mph and rounded a corner nearly hitting a wild horse chillin in the middle of the road. That was epic. The horse probably peed his pants. It was a great way to end the trip before driving home.

Now, four days later, Matt is back in Utah reminiscing on his prodigious, sensational and unique trip. He is so grateful for the day he began watching Roswell. He is one of those weird people who would plan a road trip solely off a TV show, after all. :-)

The Toddler Years

Matt was dusting appliances at work today, when a haggard looking young couple came in to look at fridges and stoves. They were dragging a toddler. He was a cute kid, until the moment he tried to run off, screaming and howling at the top of his lungs. That was the moment he became an obnoxious little child who the couple happened to own, Matt thought to himself as he watched the boy run to the electronics dept, dad chasing after him, for the umpteenth time. After they left with the terror in tow, Matt recalled his own years as a toddler...

He has quite a good memory of his early years. In fact, he was such a witty and utterly charming child. He had a healthy level of curiosity. More so than most children at that age. For instance, he recalls always playing in the house plants. They were fascinating to him, and he has always loved the color green. It was like being in an exotic jungle. He can't remember how soil and bits of leaves kept ending up spread around the carpet afterwards, but that's hardly besides the point.

Also was his fascination with the large spinning cupboard they had in the kitchen called 'The Lazy Susan.' He would pull everything out of the cupboard, leaving it on the floor, then crawl inside and spin around in circles.  One would think Matt would be a great chef after all the hours spent inside that cupboard. Oddly enough, he is not.

There was also the joy he felt in dumping out the contents of his mom's entire purse and also her cup of earrings out onto the ground every chance he got. For some reason it really tickled him to do this. It was like finding buried treasure to him. He doesn't ever recall his mother ever being in the least bit annoyed whenever he would do this.

And then there was the fascination with toilet paper. Matt recalls flushing countless rolls down the toilet. He was simply curious to watch a gurgling toilet in action. How is that harmful? So there was a clogged drain, and an overflow once or twice. Hardly bad at all.

He really should of taken up art as well. There was the time he dropped the can of paint onto the toilet seat, cracking the porcelain in half (a common accident to make, no biggie) while the can popped open on the ground spilling colorful paint everywhere. Matt had a grand time painting the walls. Such a delightful child! Cute little hand-prints everywhere.

Even though he is dismal at art and cooking, Matt at least learned from a young age how to do laundry. Once as a toddler, he spilled liquid laundry detergent all over the cement floor in the laundry room. It was a simple goof really. Honestly, he was just trying to keep up with the piles of dirty clothes. The fact that the cement floor bubbled for months afterwards whenever his mother tried to scrub the floor, hardly matters, really.

What a relief to know that Matt was no where nearly as obnoxious as the little boy this morning!  ;-)

Tuna Fish and Pregnancy

     Matt was driving home from work when it hit him. A sudden and intense desire for tuna fish. Why tuna? He has no clue. It's not like he eats it very often, as it smells foul. It was such a demanding craving though, and he knew that if he did not have a tuna fish sandwich pronto, somehow, something bad would happen in his life. It needed to be done. As he parked his car next to the man-eating rosebush that snags at his clothes in an annoying fashion every time he walks by, the thought crossed his mind that maybe this is what it's like to be pregnant... Don't pregnant women have weird cravings? Don't they wind up eating ice cream with pickles and don't they dip their ketchup in ketchup?

     Stepping into the kitchen, he put the tea kettle on and added a few eggs to hard boil. He then pulled some tuna fish from the cupboard, and carefully opened the can... The stench suddenly hit him as hard as the garbage truck that hit the stupidest squirrel playing hopscotch on the road in front of his house. Only the stench made him salivate, not cry like the stupidest squirrel's friends. Feeling excited for his divine dinner, Matt began singing in a phony French accent- "Les poisson les poisson, how I LOOOOVE les poisson" from 'The Little Mermaid.' He was in a jolly mood.

     Looking in the fridge, Matt then dug from the very back corner, a jar of Miracle Whip. The lid was rather dusty, but had an 'M' on it, so it was definitely his Miracle Whip. As Matt turned the jar in his hand, he happened to see the expiration date- August 2011. Wrinkling his nose in disgust, Matt threw the Miracle Whip in the trash. He only ever uses Miracle Whip to make tuna fish sandwiches and apparently it had been over a year since the last sandwich.

     Shrugging his shoulders he decided that he would just have to do without Miracle Whip. A moment later he was mashing up the hard boiled eggs and adding cheese to the mixture. As he added it to the tuna, the whole concoction wasn't mixing well. It was super dry and chunky. However, it still smelled yummy. After it was mixed in the bowl, he awkwardly slabbed a spoonful onto two pieces of bread. Feeling ravenous, Matt then opened his mouth wide and took the first bite of his glorious, heavenly sandwich...

     He chewed a minute, smiled to himself and swallowed. Ok, so it wasn't quite what he was expecting, but he had a whole bowl of tuna fish and he wasn't going to waste it; he loved Les poisson! Three bites later Matt's stomach turned and he admitted to himself that the sandwich truly tasted awful without the miracle whip. He was really struggling to chew, and the dry tuna was sticking to the back of his throat. After five bites, he was gagging and rushed to the sink. Spitting out the dry tuna, he washed the whole thing down the drain, and even ran the garbage disposal to be safe. He then gargled with pineapple, banana orange juice and ran downstairs to brush his teeth. 

     Making a mental note to himself to never become pregnant, Matt also decided that he won't be having another tuna fish sandwich for at least two years now.

The Invention of Underwear

Matt was feeling extremely nervous as he stepped up in front of the crowd outside the gazebo at King's English Bookshop. It was the release party for the magazine his short story, Father's Painting, was published in, and he was going to do a reading for the public. He had barely arrived at the bookshop and taken a seat 5 minutes earlier, when he was informed that he was to be the first reader for the evening. He nearly piddled his pants on the spot.

As he stepped up to the podium in front of a gorgeous vine with a trellis, he happened to notice a small, black mouse running the length of the vines directly behind where he was to be standing. This did nothing to calm his nerves, knowing that a critter might suddenly run up his leg or jump into his hair. Trying to not think of an attacking mouse, Matt looked out at the expectant crowd and tried to adjust the microphone. The stand was too short and he had to kind of hunch over in order to speak into the mike. Crickets could have been chirping as Matt looked out at the silent mass of people. It was a truly awkward moment.

Matt was surprised as he heard his voice begin to mumble something inconsequential about being a student at the U, and that he was going to read something from his new novel he was finishing- which he suddenly couldn't remember the name of.

Realizing that he was losing it completely, Matt took a deep breath and quickly conjured up a mental picture of his favorite fridge magnet. The one with a picture of a couple wearing loose togas as they sat on a swing, while the lady with more hair than clothing says- "I sure hope they never invent underwear..." Remembering this made Matt inwardly snicker to himself, and he suddenly knew he would be okay.

Matt then began to read 'The Hat Man,' (see earlier blog post) a small essay from his novel, The Manhattan Memoirs.  He was soon very much into the piece and he had a grand time impersonating the voice of the threatening street vendor from China Town who tried to force Matt into buying a horrid fedora that he did not wish to buy.

And as he read his favorite line from the piece- "The man then literally began flapping his hands and shooin us out of his booth, the way Miss Alabama would probably shoo away a swarm of mosquitoes with her stiletto heels during her talent portion," he knew that this was why he was a writer. So that he could get up in front of a crowd and read comical blips, while at the same time wondering who the idiot was who ever invented underwear anyways...

Tanning With Pigeons

     Matt realized the other day that his freckles are the only tan spots on his body. Since the weather is warming, he decided it was time to get a tan. He has a morbid fear of being trapped inside a tanning bed though, and dying inside (he can picture the attendants finding him frittered to a crisp, mouth open in a kind of silent scream two days later). So he opted to skip out on the tanning salon. Instead he decided to lie out, white trash style, on the driveway.

     Wearing his plaid design, orange bathing suit, and candy cane red sunglasses, Matt spread his green towel across the uneven, jagged driveway. He tried to pick a spot with less pebbles and where the weeds didn't poke through the cracks so much, because he doesn't own one of those fancy lounge, pool chairs like his Grandma's rich neighbors, the Lindquists. They have a swimming pool, complete with a diving board and Matt used to peer through the wrought iron fence in his Grandma's backyard, in a longing manner while they swam and drank iced lemonade by the poolside. If he waited long enough, and had a pathetic enough look on his face, the Lindquists would eventually invite him over to swim, out of pity. His Grandma used to get so mad at him! But this is besides the point, and Matt is getting off track. Back to the story now-

     He then applied a generous amount of sunscreen to his shnozz, as his Dumbledore nose tends to catch quite a bit of sun. As Matt hunkered down on his driveway, at the edge of a busy road where the cars never stop going through the night, he wondered what the passing drivers would think when they viewed a guy lying on the cement, trying to tan in a sexy manner on a very ghetto driveway next to the garbage bins.

     Matt tried to tune out the noise of the exterior world, however, and simply allow the sun's rays to saturate his ghostly white skin. He was enjoying the serenity of the moment, and singing- I'm gonna soak up the sun, by Sheryl Crow, in an enthusiastic manner. And then he heard it. Something horrifying; the kind of thing he hears only in nightmares.

     His skin suddenly prickling, Matt's fight or flight mode instantly took over. Sitting up quickly, he ripped his sunglasses off and looked to the source of the noise. Directly above him came a small coo-ing. Feeling revolted, he looked up at his arch nemesis, the insidious albino pigeon, as it sat perched on the electrical wire.

     Matt immediately gagged and threw up in his mouth a little at the sight. The pigeon spread his wings, shaking them out and Matt nearly had a coronary from fright. His immediate desire was to flee to his house. Feeling that this might hurt his pride though, and not wanting to lose to the pigeon, Matt picked up his towel and began shaking it roughly, trying to scare his enemy off. The bird simply cocked his head to the side, and looked at Matt questioningly.

     Next, Matt began barking like a dog, shaking his towel all the more furiously. Again, his enemy simply gazed on. Feeling annoyed, Matt slowly backed up, (one should never turn one's back to an opponent). Never breaking his eye contact with the bird, he noticed a large chunk of wood lying in the driveway, and hurriedly snatched it up. He now had a weapon.

     Feeling much more brave, Matt approached the bird again, holding the wood like a baseball bat in case it decided to attack. The bird looked at him in a bored fashion though, and let out a vile poo on Matt's driveway. It was now mocking him.
   
     Taking careful aim, Matt stuck his tongue out in concentration and threw the wood hunk with all his might towards the bird. There was a loud squawk as the board hit the wire mere inches away from the pigeon, causing the wire to wobble dangerously. Matt laughed loudly as the pigeon took flight. As the thing retreated he hollered- "Ya that's right, skiddle along you little piddle!" He sure showed the bird who was boss...
   
     As Matt recollects the experience, he realizes that he grew a little bit inside that day. He had stood up to the bully; the mean spirited boy who rules every playground. The one named Jeremy or Bubba or Jafar. The one who pins his victims up against the brick wall, fists bared, until they empty their pockets of their bubble-tape and star-bursts. Only this bully was worse; it was a pigeon...

     And now as Matt writes the story, chest red from the sun, he feels a bit proud inside.

A Simply Wild Two Days!

Matt has had quite a few strange experiences in the past 2 days. It began with him wearing an entire bee suit and following a beekeeping expert around the city to check on beehives. He is writing a feature, magazine article on 'The Unusual Places Beekeeping Can be Found in the Beehive State.' Needless to say, he needed the full experience.

"These bees can't sting me, right?" asked Matt apprehensively as a new hive was opened and a swarm of agitated bees suddenly surrounded him, clinging to his suit and filling his ears with an overwhelming buzzing...Ironically though, he was more scared of the chickens pecking around the garden, than of the thousands of bees.

The day became more interesting when later on he received a knock at his front door from a man in a tailored suit, who flashed a badge. "I'm a private investigator here to speak with a Mr. Matt Jaggi."

"That's me," Matt said apprehensively. As they took a seat in Matt's living room, the investigator began asking Matt a series of questions regarding his old roommate from 3 years ago. Since Matt was about as close to his old roommate as a head of broccoli is to a chunk of strawberry trifle with ice-cream, he was struggling with the questions.

"Did he ever speak with, or try to help people from outside the country?"

"Err, I dunno?"

"Did he ever speak with foreign diplomats, or speak any foreign languages?"

"Um, I mean he was a popular and friendly guy, so he could have had friends in high places, but I dunno...What's this about again?" Matt asked.

"Just keep to the questions. Did he ever hang around questionable people?"

"No." The man raised his eyebrows. "Uh, yes? Maybe? I dunno? I mean he seemed pretty normal and nice. Except once he dated this weird girl who told me about a time she peed her pants. It was kinda awkward, and I was wondering if he had found her under a rock or something-" the investigator cleared his throat- "and, I'm not getting him into trouble am I? Because I'm pretty sure you should be talkin to his family and friends about this," Matt rambled.

And the questions continued for 20 minutes. Finally the man seemed pleased, and told Matt his answers would be shared with agencies. "Well this is just fun-tastic, I'm gonna get the poor guy in trouble," Matt replied.

He never did find out what the investigation was about and can only assume it was some sort of character background check for a job. Probably a job working with the CEO of Walmart. They are taking over the world after all...

The next day as Matt pulled into the parking lot at Sears, he noticed several police cars pulled over. As he looked closer he noticed the police men were surrounding a man who was sprawled, spread eagle style on the sidewalk. Matt wondered if it was the homeless man who sometimes sleeps in the bathroom at Sears. He looked either dead or stupified, but Matt is gonna pretend he was simply sleeping...

As Matt was leaving work later that night (stupified man and cops were gone), he received a frantic text from a friend. "Ohhhh my gosh! Do you remember (name removed) from our Fiction Workshop last semester? He is on the news right now!"

"Why?" Matt texted back. "For a nose-picking record?"

"No, you're confusing him with (blank) who always sat in the corner and wiped his boogers under his desk. I'm talking about the guy who always wrote bizarre stories about his dad."

"Oh ya! Hmmm, I'll check it out."

Matt was horrified when he got home to find out that his classmate was on the news because he had been stabbed 8 times by a Korean National in the Smith's Parking lot next to campus. Luckily he survived and was giving a winning and rather heartfelt interview on Channel 5. Matt felt bad for his classmate, and vowed to never laugh at the stories of his eccentric father ever again. He was also slightly jealous of the fact that his classmate now had seriously awesome story telling material to work with... Horrible thing to feel, but it's what it is.

Then to top things off, Matt thought all his wildest dreams were coming true when he received an invitation on facebook telling him that if he forwarded a message from Disney to 500 people, he would receive 4 free tickets to Disneyland! Wahoo!

So Matt promptly spent a lavish amount of time passing the email around, until he received a message from his friend Brian informing him that the person who had posted the Disneyland Ad had only been a member of facebook for 10 hours, and that there was no way for them to know if Matt had forwarded 500 people. It was obviously a scam.

Dang flabbit, what a shady thing to do! Get Matt all excited for Disneyland, then crush his hopes and dreams. Matt now wants to apologize to the 500 facebookers he forwarded the message to...

And that was the end of his two days.

A Scheduled Earthquake

Matt had blunderous fun at school today. At approximately 10:15 am, in the midst of Spanish class, there was a campus wide earthquake drill- there had been posters plastered all over campus for weeks to advertise- and siren's went off and all students had to find shelter. However, Matt's desk was NOT earthquake friendly.

It was a chair with a tiny swing down desk, and it took him a good 30 seconds to situate himself- he lay down on his back, with head and torso under the chair- until his professor hollered out "Anyone on their back is probably gonna die!" So Matt tried to scrunch up in a ball. It was fairly awkward and he wondered if his underwear was showing since his shirt was riding up his back. Trying not to dwell on this, he turned to his neighbor who was scrunched in like manner.

"How are you today?" he asked politely.

She brushed her now dishelved hair out of her face before responding. "I'm good. How funny is this though, my friend is getting her wisdom teeth out today, and when she heard that there was an earthquake drill planned, she got pissed and said "I really wish I would have known that there was going to be an earthquake! I would have chosen a different day to have surgery."

"Oh my lanta, are you kidding me?! She really believed that there was going to be an earthquake today, like we just happen to know when there's gonna be one?"

"Yup," laughed his neighbor.

After that was the evacuation. As he and his classmates began to file in the halls of the library, they turned to go down one corridor to an exit, only to find a strict librarian with pointy glasses yelling "You can't exit this way, there are gas pipelines!" Instead they wandered the long way through to the other exit. As they finally stepped outside, away from the loud sirens, they found that it was raining. Just perfect. Normally on principal Matt doesn't use umbrellas as he finds it un-stylish toting one around. Luckily though he had brought one today. He found that he was suddenly quite popular with classes mates who have previously never spoken to him.

After 5 minutes of huddling in the rain, a bossy man approached the group. "If you're students you need to go to the emergency evacuation point. It's a tent in the parking lot past the business building."

Matt gave the man an incredulous look. "Is this really necessary? That's halfway across campus. Won't the library open back up soon?"

"I'm sorry, but it's part of the drill. Besides, if you go to the tent you get a free bag of Shwag!" A bag of what?? No-one seemed to know what "Shwag" consisted of, and the man had bounded away before they could figure out.

Hoping that it was a bag of treats, Matt and his classmates shlumped through the mud and puddles, and it was during this time that he discovered he had a hole in his left shoe. 10 minutes later they arrived to a tent set up in a parking lot.

There were dozens and dozens of people huddled around. Matt politely butted his way to the front and asked where the bags of shwag were. "Sorry, we ran out," responded a stressed girl who was attempting to control the masses. "Here, take a water bottle though" she said as she pressed a plastic bottle in his hands.

All Matt could do was laugh as he walked back to the library, minus his bag of shwag. His socks were wet for at least 3 hours afterwards. What a blunder! Next time maybe they should plan for the earthquake to happen on a sunny day...

Un Error en la Clase de Español

Matt received a fantastic text last night from his friend Janna. It was concerning her discovery at being paired with their least favorite Spanish classmate for the final oral exam. "Matt can you BELIEVE our teacher put me with him?! This is juuusst great!" Their classmate is a nice enough guy. It's just that he's the one who tends to sit and stare at people, every once in a while picking his nose and wiping it under the corner of his desk. Matt feels that he is definitely the salt of the Earth, bless his heart.

Only two weeks earlier, Matt and Janna had been paired with this very, um, interesting class mate for an in-class project. The three of them were preparing a dialogue about a reading they were supposed to have done for homework the night before. Since Matt and Janna didn't actually DO any of the assigned reading, they were going to play the role of the 'detectives' and ask their classmate in the discussion to explain the story. It was a brilliant plan!  No-one would even guess that they were unprepared; they would just think they were rather creative. Their partner would simply explain it all as they would ask him 'questions.' Ya this plan didn't work so well.

As the teacher began lecturing after everyone finished their dialogues, she asked if anyone would like to volunteer their work. Matt and Janna groaned inwardly as their partner quickly rose his hand. They staggered up in front of the class and Matt began introductions in espanol then passed the baton to Janna to do her Shpeal. Then it was their delightful partner's turn. What happened over the next 5 minutes was particularly awkward and slightly traumatizing.

Their partner suddenly forgot how to speak in Spanish and sat and mumbled and muttered and panicked for several minutes. The whole class was wincing and Matt and Janna were tense as they coaxed questions out of him and attempted to finish all his sentences. Since they didn't know the story line themselves, they couldn't exactly tell the plot to the class. Finally their teacher intervened.

"Ok bueno chicos, good, uh, effort!" Feeling mortified, Matt and Janna sat down. Several minutes later after the next exercise their teacher asked for volunteers again. Janna quickly turned and snarled out of the corner of her mouth to their partner, "Don't EVEN think about it!" as he teetered on the edge of his chair in anticipation of raising his hand.

Flash forward back to the text- "So do you think if he stalls and mumbles she'll have pity on me and know that it's not my fault?" Janna texted Matt.

 "Ya probably. Either way all you can do is laugh at the whole situation and hope he doesn't stare at you for too long."  Matt then jumped online to see who HE had been paired with for the oral final.

As he scrolled through the list, he was simply thrilled to learn that he would be with the adorable blonde girl who has about as much energy as a cadaver! He is pretty sure she is 420 friendly, as her personality reminds Matt of someone who is permanently stoned. She constantly seems unaware of her surroundings, and last time they worked together, she promptly forgot what they were supposed to be doing and instead regaled to Matt the plans of all her future tattoos she planned on receiving...

Yes, group work in Spanish class is pretty much amazing ;)

The Joys of Customer Service

Matt met someone yesterday who was rather nasty. He would like to say that she was charming and say happy, pleasant things about her such as, "that lady sure had a winning and dashing smile!" As it was, her nasty personality matched her physical countenance, which unfortunately, was not a good thing as she reminded Matt vividly of a rather unfortunate and homely version of Tevye's daughter Tzeitel, from 'Fiddler on the Roof.'

As Matt was dusting appliances at work yesterday, a very tall, thin, sultry looking, grump of a woman slipped into the store. She told him her house had burned to the ground so she needed new appliances. Matt promptly felt sorry for the lady and listened while she bemoaned her fate. He was a very sympathetic listener as he began to show her all the different products, and he made sure to gasp in all the right places. Everything he showed her though, she complained about.

Now he realizes that if his house had just burned down and he had lost his Harry Potter books and his houseplant he dubbed 'Bahumut', he might be a bit grumpy too. However her insurance was footing the bill completely, and all she had to do was pick out what she liked. Matt has met a few housewives now, who purposely destroy their appliances just so they can buy new ones. This could have been a fun experience for the lady, but rather, she was truly sour throughout.

After he showed her a great clearance fridge that had been marked down $1,000 all she could do was whine about the small scratch on the bottom of the door (hence the mark-down) and that it should be another 25% more off. Matt told her 'no' in as a polite as way as possible, and they moved on. 2 hours later, they had all her appliances in order and were ringing up at the register. She was receiving an absolute killer of a discount, even though she had been condescending and nasty the whole way through. As Matt was adding the fridge at the end, (she had decided on the floor model) she she smacked her gum obnoxiously and said, "I want 25% more off on that."

 "Um sorry, we already discussed this though, we're not taking any more off because it's already $1000 off."

"If you don't drop the price on that fridge more, I'll walk," she said in a very superior, smug type voice. She put her hands on her hips, daring Matt and tried to give him an intimidating look. At this point he was tired of her attitude and he looked back at her with a quelling look that clearly said 'Really?' He then simply said 'no' and continued on.

She was shocked. "I want to speak with your boss!" So Matt's boss came over, listened to what she had to say and promptly repeated what Matt had told her earlier.

 "Sorry, but we can't drop the price of that fridge for you."

She looked affronted and said in a scandalized voice "Well! I suppose we are through then, I'll just take my business elsewhere!" She then snatched her purse, turned up her nose and stalked out. As he watched her disappear, Matt might have called her something kinda mean under his breath. His boss heard him.

"Matt! You can't say that here!" whoops ;-)

What a waste of time that woman was. Matt is feeling sorry for whatever appliance store is now being graced by her ungrateful presence.

A Unicycle Story That Should Have Never Happened

     Matt spent a lovely evening in the ER. This is how it happened~

     After spending a long 9 hour shift at work, he was feeling utterly exhausted. "Why me?" he moaned, with a hand to his forehead, "That I alone must be responsible for the welfare of Salt Lake's citizen's home appliances is just monstrous!" Shlumping into his car like a decrepit old man, Matt started his car and pulled out of the parking lot. He felt a bit more rejuvenated once he had Beyonce blasting through his Car. He was also feeling kind of secretly excited to be spending time with his dear friends, Courtney and Paul Stout.

     He had convinced them that they were going to watch Disney's 'The Rescuers' that night. This was non-negotiable. The other night he even got them to watch 'The Secret of Nimh,' cause he's cool like that, and he's been on this mouse-protagonist, movie kick lately. Anyways, getting back to the story, as he pulled up into their driveway, Matt noticed that Paul was zippin around on a pink unicycle.

     "Matt, you gotta try this!" he exclaimed in between awkward circles on his driveway, as Matt crawled out of his car. Courtney was in the background looking apprehensive, as she didn't quite approve of Paul's new toy. (Turns out it was a neighbor child's, and Paul was simply 'borrowing' it, since the child left it sitting on their lawn.) Feeling that this might be quite adventurous, Matt decided to take a try. "Be careful!" Courtney warned as he picked up the unicycle.

     As he grasped the seat for the first time, a sudden warmth raced through his hands, all the way through to his fingertips, kind of like an electric shock. It was like he was meant to do this. He just knew he would be a natural. This was going to be like the first time Harry Potter rode a broomstick, only it was Matt on a flamingo pink unicycle! Feeling excited, Matt had Paul help him mount his new ride.

     He had barely found his balance and began pedaling down the driveway, laughing with Paul at his side, when he realized he had no control and didn't know how to turn. Panicking, he continued in a straight line. Now why he didn't simply dismount or at least try to crash into the grass, he is not sure. Matt never does well in panicky situations though.

     Instead he crossed the street, and promptly rode straight down a cement stairwell leading to the neighbor's basement. Matt is pretty sure the whole southern half of Salt Lake heard his nerdy screams as he blundered his way down the steep stairs, crashing very ungracefully on the bottom. It was when he opened his eyes and saw the weird angle his leg was lying in amid the heap of rubble and a now bent unicycle, that he lost it completely. He fainted on the spot. Probably the first time in his life he has ever done so...

     The paramedics soon arrived, and once they had him calmed him down (Are you sure they can fix that?! I mean, my leg should NOT look like that,' he kept sputtering)  and onto the stretcher he was feeling a little better. The journey onto the stretcher was pretty painful though, Matt won't lie. At least the ambulance ride was rather exciting. He felt like royalty as they drove really fast through the city, and the paramedics even gave him a tasty watermelon, red sucker from a cool little jar that they keep especially for small kids.

     And now as he writes the woeful tale 4 hours later, propped up in bed sporting a new cast, having broken his tibia and spraining 2 muscles, all he can say is "What a blunder!" Turns out he isn't so Harry Potter-like with the unicycle after all...

Attack!!

     Sometimes Sundays are desirable. On the Sundays when Matt isn't concealing himself behind stoves and fridges, in order to avoid the customers who are downright terrors,  he is free to take 3 hour naps, play several rounds of 'Words With Friends,' plot out brilliant acts of revenge against his arch nemesis, the albino pigeon, or watch Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman. Occasionally, he may even clean his house, as it is the sensible thing to do. Today was one of the Sundays that was to be a cleaning day.

     Feeling like tidying his room a bit, Matt began to clean. As he picked up a book, 'The Hole in Your Nose' off his floor, he saw movement. Bending down to get a closer look, he noticed a little ant crawling along his carpet. "Oh my lucky stars, where did you come from?" Matt asked the little thing. It was then that he saw more movement, and looking around closely he saw dozens and dozens of ants crawling around his carpet.

      Howling like the neighbors ugly cat Gizzy when he sprayed her with the garden hose (she was sitting on his car when he wanted to wash it, and wouldn't move) Matt quickly hopped onto his bed. Where on earth did they come from?! His room wasn't even that messy at all. Feeling like they were crawling all over his body, Matt jumped off and ran to the other room to find a weapon. Coming back armed with his vacuum cleaner, he plugged the machine in and an almighty roar filled the room. Yelling "Hiyaaah!"he vacuumed the critters up. As he did so, he felt very brave, a lot like Miss Alabama during her talent portion when she shooed away her state bird, the mosquito, with her stiletto heel.
   
     Now, Matt is feeling kinda sorry for what he did, and he is wondering if that was the ethical thing to do. He sat down and pondering, asked himself the question- Would Jesus have done that? Would Mother Theresa, Harry Potter, Gandhi or even Lady Gaga do something that cruel? Maybe they would have tirelessly collected every ant, setting them free outside into the bright sunshine of freedom. Seeing a single ant crawl along the coffee table, however, quickly changed his mind. Matt smacked the thing ruthlessly with the DVD case for 'Muppet Christmas Carol,' before getting up to go make dinner. The task had made him rather hungry after all.

     In the back of his mind though, Matt is wondering if karma will catch up to him. He hopes that in the next life a giant ant will not be allowed to chase HIM around with a vacuum cleaner...

Rona~Madonna!

Matt was so thrilled to be invited by his friends Stephen Bugby and Matt Bryce to a 'spinning' class on Saint Patty's Day (and no this is not a class where one spins in circles like a yadid yahoo. That would be clown school. This was a bike riding class). Matt felt cheerful as it was to be his first time in a spinning class; he was eager to see how it would be. As he sat chit chatting with his friends, the door suddenly flew open with a bang and in waltzed the loudest woman Matt has ever had the pleasure of meeting. "HELLLOOOO!!!!" their instructor hollered for the whole world to hear as she bounded up to her platform where her bike rested.

How can one even begin to describe her? Their instructor was like a mix between Fran Drescher and Joan Rivers. She even had the tight, plastic-surgery face just like Joan's. As she began fiddling with the speakers and sound system, a high pitch squeak rang out across the room causing everyone to wince. If Matt had been sleepy prior, he was very well awake now.

Once she had her music playing and her microphone on (why she felt the need for one was beyond Matt) she turned to the class. "WELCOME EVERYONE!! MY NAME IS RONA, UNLESS YOU HATE MY CLASS. IF YOU DO THEN I'M MADONNA!!" she giggled. Matt snorted and looked over at his friends and gave them a 'really?' kind of a look.

Wearing a green, very low cut blouse, sporting sparkly green nails and dangling 2 large, lit up blinking shamrocks from her ears, their teacher spoke up again. "SO OHHHH MY GOSH, DID YOU GUYS HEAR THE NEWS?!!" she shrieked into her microphone, giving Matt a fright.

"Tell us Rona" chirped her many admirers and regulars.

"WELL, RUSSEL BRAND WAS ARRESTED YESTERDAY!! she announced with a flourish. She then flipped the light switch and the room was plunged into total darkness. Matt felt a little worried until he saw the 2 glowing shamrocks attached to their leader's head. They looked like bobbing UFO's and he felt reassured.

After everyone gasped at the news, the instructor began class. As Matt began pedaling in response to Rona's demands, she continued. "TURNS OUT THE MAN THREW SOMEONE'S CELL PHONE OUT A GLASS WINDOW! PRETTY STUPID REALLY, CAUSE HE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE A VISA SO NOW HE'S IN ALL SORTS OF TROUBLE. I BET KATY PERRY WAS HAPPY THOUGH!!!"

She then nagged at them to up the resistance and "PUT YOUR BUTT TO THE SADDLE!" As the workout continued on, Matt found that he was soon sweating like a sinner in a church, but he hung in there. During the whole workout, his instructor happily gossiped away, talking about "THOSE STUPID KARDASHIANS" and "THAT LADY GAGA WHO THINKS SHE'S ON THE RIGHT TRACK, BUT HOW CAN SHE BE WHEN SHE ROLLS OUT ONTO THE STAGE IN AN EGG? HONESTLY, THE WOMAN..." She even attempted to lower her voice to a whisper (100 decibels in her book) to tell them about the sordid and scandalous romance between Madonna and a 24 year old. "I MEAN, HE ASKED HER TO MARRY HIM AND SHE'S CONSIDERING IT! She then became thoughtful for a moment before continuing on- TO BE HONEST THOUGH, IF I WAS IN HIS SHOES I WOULDA PULLED HER ASIDE ON THE FIRST DATE AND BEEN LIKE 'LISTEN, I'M A LOOKER AND YOU'RE RICH, SO WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT US GETTING MARRIED SOMETIME?' IT'S REALLY THE SMART THING TO DO!"

Matt nearly sharted his pants from laughing as she continued ranting on. When a song from Kelly Clarkson came on, their instructor literally screamed into the microphone- "OH! I JUST LOOOOVE KELLY CLARKSON!! SHE IS SOOO PASSIONATE AND SHE EVEN GETS A WRINKLE IN HER FOREHEAD WHEN SHE SINGS- 'WHAT DOESN'T KILL YOU MAKES YOU STROOOONGER!" she sang along very much off key. "AND WHEN I PLAY KELLY CLARKSON OR CARRIE UNDERWOOD IN MY CAR I CAN SING ALONG AND I SOUND JUST LIKE THEM!"

As the class neared the end, and as they climbed a last, long imaginary hill, Matt realized that he was halfway in love with this instructor. She was all personality- a terror and a doll all at once. Watching her pump away on her bike, earrings blinking neon causing risk for people prone to seizures, was like watching a fun and less scary version of 'Nightmare on Elm Street.'

When class was over Matt and his friends approached the vivacious woman. "We just loved your class, thank you!" they all said. Matt Bryce then asked if he could get a picture taken with her (proof to the non-believers that he is capable of participating in a workout class).

"OF COURSE!!" After Matt Bryce had his photo, Matt stepped in for one as well. As the woman draped her lanky arms around him, digging her claws into his shoulder, she leaned in close and Matt noticed the wig she was wearing. After the photo, Matt thanked her and told her she was adorable to which she kissed him smack on his sweaty cheek! Cougar...

The whole experience with Rona was a gift! Matt will definitely be going again...